Tuesday, 11 April 2006

Chocolate rant

In an homage to Tina, but less eloqueyntely, informatively and swearily, I rant:

I opened one of those sample bags bags of Premium Selection chocolates from Thornton's the other day. It had been given to me for my birthday by an old work friend - I just hadn't got around to eating them before now, due to, strangely, going off chocolate.

Without bothering to look at what was in the bag, I grabbed the top one and popped it in my mouth.

Delightful, albeit slightly artificial tasting.

The next one was enrobed in white chocolate with brown stuff on top. Coffee grounds?

Yes. It was OK. More articial tasting than the first one. It also tasted a bit burnt.

Then I decided to look at what types there were and how many were left. There were six different types and seven chocolates left and I'd already tried two of the six varieties. On to the third variety, then. Dark Champagne Truffle.

Vom. It tasted like the smell of turd.

Inspecting the remaining six chocolates, I could see that three were all the same. There had only been one champagne chocolate, thankfully. I could see one white one amongst the remaining dark ones and it was at the top so it was next to go. White Chocolate Mousse.

Bland. Insipid. Not worth opening my mouth for. How much more could my poor taste buds take?

In an effort to be rid of these abominations, I reached for one of the three Heavenly Hazelnuts.

I might as well have chucked it straight down the toilet.

How fucking dare you, Thornton's? A bag full of moulded shite, three of which were the same and, might I point out, contemptible. You couldn't possibly have put three nice ones in, could you? Three of the first ones? The Double Chocolate Truffles? No. It had to be the stenchful, cack-like hazelnut ones.
I daren't even try the Milk Manon because it's either the most horrendous of the lot, or, it's absolutely divine (but I doubt it) which will placate me somewhat if I do eat it. But I'm not going to.

Fuck off Thornton's, you bunch of cack-making imbeciles.

I hate you.


  1. Fucking first! Avvit! Yessss!

  2. And now I've finally read your post I have one thing to say;

    Blasphemer! You should be stoned and not in a good way for your words of evil against the GODS that are Thorntons!


    Next time you get given chocolate, send it to me.

  3. You know, home made truffles aren't too challenging, and much tastier. No, really!

  4. You haven't been getting out much recently, have you.

  5. Intervention is required - quick, somebody get some real chocolate in here, stat!

  6. I'm not allowed to eat Thornton's given that I have a nut allergy and everything they produce (even jellies!) have a big nut warning on them.

    Sounds like I'm lucky.

  7. Only eat Belgian chocolate IdV. Bad chocolate is worse than crap!

    Nice Rant by the way, you're coming along nicely. :-)

  8. Thornton's IS real chocolate, ShiftClick. IDV has quite obviously gone insane and/or had his taste buds removed.

  9. Thornton's IS real chocolate, ShiftClick. IDV has quite obviously gone insane and/or had his taste buds removed.

  10. Thornton's is mass produced muck! If you want real chocolate, go to Hotel Chocolat. Theirs are divine.

    I'll reply properly to you all presently...

  11. No I won't. I'm going to bed.

  12. Chococo chocs are v. yummy

    Havn't been to Thorntons for years. Loved their special toffee tho'


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