Friday, February 17, 2006

Walking Through Rain And Not Getting Wet

Since "dropping in" to my Host and amalgamating our psyches, I've found myself pondering the science behind the magic I do. I think this is because, in general, the male-wired brain is more adept at technical matters than the average female-wired brain. Of course, this means that the male-wired brain has sacrificed space used by more useful applications like emotions, common sense, intelligence (not to be confused with knowledge) and social graces, to name but a few. There are exceptions but as this post is not about such matters I'll get on with the point.

Not getting wet in the rain is an aquired skill.

Yes you could stay indoors. Or put an umbrella up if you simply must go out. But how about not bothering with that cumbersome and unflattering object?

This is how:

Aim yourself for the closest raindrop, spin all parts of yourself counterclockwise (very important this - never go clockwise) through spacetime until you spread out between the drops and start curling back towards your epicentre. Within a couple of seconds you should have caught the rhythm of the rain and be able to manoueuver with relative ease through the shower.

An added bonus is that to an observer you will look just like your normal self rather than a multi-tendrilled thing in the rain. This is because the light bouncing off your tendrils as they curl back around the drops actually gets refracted by passing through the raindrops. The refracted light naturally coalesces at your epicentre producing an image of your normal-spacetime self. You must remember to keep all parts of you within the rain because any tendrils out of the shower cannot have their images refracted back. This could cause some... concern, shall we say, to passers by.

Warning: Don't try this if you're easily distracted. An unplanned exit from counterspin spacetime could leave you spread out across the countryside and give a whole new meaning to the term "pull yourself together".

There. My work here is done!

And for those of you concerned about my suddenly aquired social life: fear not. It was for one night only. Pizza, wine and a DVD beckons tonight. And I've sorted the subtitles problem. It seems there's a button on the remote that can turn them on (or off) despite specifying no subtitles in the set up menu. Ridiculous...

14 comments:

  1. luckily it rarely rains here so I'm not tempted to try this. I'm sure I'd be splattered all over the countryside

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  2. Having just got back from the pub.....In the rain............and it being well past my bed time...............what did I do with my cunting cocoa...............and I've gota get up at 5.30 in the morning..............fucking stella artoise will do it this to you every time.
    I'll probably wake up to find i'm the highest bidder on ebay for a 30ft cardboard camel.

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  3. Have you considered the possible ramification of counter-clockwise spinning through space-time should another person also be counter clockwise spinning?

    Surely the tendrils would become entangled?

    And what about sudden wind direction change?

    Or the rainshower ending unexpectedly while you are still spinning?

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  4. P&T: The nice thing about counterspinning is that everyone vibrates at a different frequency so, should you happen upon another witch in the rain, your tendrils will just pass harmlessly through one another.
    A sudden change in wind direction will just leave you wet.
    And if the rain stops. Well, you'll have to try and haul your bits in as fast as metahumanly possible, all the while keeping your decorum.

    I wonder if Steel got his camel?

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  5. I bet the camel shagged him. Good and proper too.

    He'll wake up with an arse like a farmers bucket.

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  6. Dirty bastard. He probably loved it!

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  7. I reckon so.

    The filthy cunt.

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  8. If I wasn't a fat kid...and I had some kind of coordination skills, I'd totally try that!!!

    But there's a 99% chance that I'd turn once, find a crack somewhere on the ground (it doesn't matter what size really) bust my ass, and probably break something :P

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  9. Or fall into Steel Workers farmers bucket. Never to be seen again.

    What an awful thought.

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  10. Eeeewww! The words "gaping" and "chasm" suddenly inserted themselves into my mind.

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  11. That's cos yer durty. Durty, durty, durty.

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  12. Oi! You filthy minded poofs are a bunch of cunts!

    The camel and I are just good friends.

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  13. Yeah, right. You anger quickly, don't you? Touched a nerve, perhaps?

    Bwah hah hah ha!

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  14. How come your comments clock is right and mine isn't?

    I'm very comfortable with my sexuality. Just cos I'm a bit gay doesn't mean to say I'm a bit...

    Anyway, not sure about the camel. He's already thrown out my slightly mis-matched, brown valour, 3 piece suite.

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