* clatter... crash... clank... "Will you get down!" clunk... bonk... "Now!" CRASH! "Oh, for the love of..." *
There's a gargoyle on my roof.
I've just come back from a weekend in the country and I find this. Why it had to choose my roof I don't know. Bloody thing.
Normally, I don't mind gargoyles. They perform a task. They're useful. Perched on the edge of buildings, they scare off the pigeons and spew excess rainwater clear of the walls preventing damp and rot. And they do their job while remaining perfectly still and quiet.
Not like my roof's current occupant.
* clang... CRUNCH... "What did I just say? Get down. NOW!" clink... bonk...*
Honestly, there's more tiles on the ground than on the roof. That has to be the clumsiest, most ungainly, inelegant creature I've ever clapped eyes on. And ugly, too.
Admittedly, it does scare the birds off so at least I don't get crapped on when leaving the house. And it does keep rainwater runoff from the walls. However, there is a big, lumpy streak of what looks like reddish-brown cement smeared down the wall next to my bedroom window.
It can only be gargoyle poo.
I have an idea that it's eating the chimney stack...
* ssscrape... "Mmuuuhhhh mmmthhhthuuummth" "zzkt ssztsspt ksstskpt zsszmf" clonk... "Mmuump" *
What the... Sounds like he's got company up there. This isn't open house, you know! Hold on, I'd better get up there and see what's going on.
* "Oh. It's you. Well, you know what's going to happen now, don't you" "sszkt sszzzptszzt - meeep" Zzzzap! *
It was Grandma DeVise. She'd got lost mid-transfer and spectralised on my roof. Senile old bat. I can't imagine why it's suddenly so popular. At least TGOC Future will be pleased - he can have his airing cupboard back and stop storing his towels in TGOC Present's reptile tank.
I've packed the old biddy off to the nursing home for a couple of weeks. She can sit on their roof with Azscoleete the banshee, keeping him company while he noisily informs the residents that one of them will soon pop their clogs.
Now, back to my original problem. Does anyone have a spare turret or buttress that this gargoyle can call home? Wyndham, surely Triffid Towers has a neglected spire?