Monday, 6 February 2006

Uninvited guest

* clatter... crash... clank... "Will you get down!" clunk... bonk... "Now!" CRASH! "Oh, for the love of..." *

There's a gargoyle on my roof.

I've just come back from a weekend in the country and I find this. Why it had to choose my roof I don't know. Bloody thing.

Normally, I don't mind gargoyles. They perform a task. They're useful. Perched on the edge of buildings, they scare off the pigeons and spew excess rainwater clear of the walls preventing damp and rot. And they do their job while remaining perfectly still and quiet.

Not like my roof's current occupant.

* clang... CRUNCH... "What did I just say? Get down. NOW!" clink... bonk...*

Honestly, there's more tiles on the ground than on the roof. That has to be the clumsiest, most ungainly, inelegant creature I've ever clapped eyes on. And ugly, too.

Admittedly, it does scare the birds off so at least I don't get crapped on when leaving the house. And it does keep rainwater runoff from the walls. However, there is a big, lumpy streak of what looks like reddish-brown cement smeared down the wall next to my bedroom window.

It can only be gargoyle poo.

I have an idea that it's eating the chimney stack...

* ssscrape... "Mmuuuhhhh mmmthhhthuuummth" "zzkt ssztsspt ksstskpt zsszmf" clonk... "Mmuump" *

What the... Sounds like he's got company up there. This isn't open house, you know! Hold on, I'd better get up there and see what's going on.

* "Oh. It's you. Well, you know what's going to happen now, don't you" "sszkt sszzzptszzt - meeep" Zzzzap! *

It was Grandma DeVise. She'd got lost mid-transfer and spectralised on my roof. Senile old bat. I can't imagine why it's suddenly so popular. At least TGOC Future will be pleased - he can have his airing cupboard back and stop storing his towels in TGOC Present's reptile tank.

I've packed the old biddy off to the nursing home for a couple of weeks. She can sit on their roof with Azscoleete the banshee, keeping him company while he noisily informs the residents that one of them will soon pop their clogs.

Now, back to my original problem. Does anyone have a spare turret or buttress that this gargoyle can call home? Wyndham, surely Triffid Towers has a neglected spire?


  1. We have a spire, certainly - but I'm afraid, old son, that the mother-in-law stays there when she visits. Mind you, I'm sure she would be happy for the company. She likes a good chat.

    Oh yes, she likes a chat.

    I'll get my people to talk to your people.

  2. Anonymous6/2/06 20:36

    I have a gargoyle that insists on camping in my knickers, whether or not I am wearing them at the time... I wonder if there's some sort of gated community for the little f**ckers...

  3. Wyndham: I'll clear my diary for the next week, then.

    M'Lady: They certainly are inappropriate little monsters, aren't they. Sounds like yours is more... inconvenient than mine.

  4. I get confused between gargoyles and grotesques. What is the difference, IDV?

    Tell Honeytom to stop being selfish. We need him. He's hot....

  5. Well, a gargoyle is an hideous amalgam of a creature, made up of all sorts of left over animal parts. They usually hang around the tops of tall buildings, moving very little, eventually fusing solid - a little like stone.
    Their name comes from the old French word gargouille (or something-my French is a bit rusty) meaning throat or gullet. Specifically, the sound made by water and air passing through it. And because they funnel rainwater the description/name stuck.

    As for grotesques: There's usually a bit of human mixed in with the animal. And they don't tend to be helpful. Lazy little buggers!

    I've tried cajoling Honeytom but he won't budge. He seem's remarkably resistant to my insidious mind powers, too...


Tickle my fancy, why don't you?