Saturday 21 August 2010
A Sequence of Unpalatable Events
Time is fleeting, so I shall just present you with this brief series of minor calamities that have plagued me (so far) this week:
Sunday, 18:57 - Rifling through the freezer looking for something to have for dinner, I thought I saw a bag of peas move all by itself. Poking the peas with a lolly revealed a pair of eyes peering back at me from behind a garlic baguette. It seems we have a very small yeti living in our freezer.
Monday, 19:17 - I hear a faint scream of pain as I cut a ciabatta in half. After checking that the SubCs are OK, I resume the cutting, thinking that I must have imagined it. Another scream puts paid to the imagination theory. After a very close inspection of the ciabatta, I discover that it is, in fact, just a bread product after all. Slamming the bread knife down in frustration reveals the whereabouts and identity of the screamer: There was a wood nymph in the chopping board!
Tuesday, 03:46 - Three nannies land on the roof. How do I know this? Because of all the clattering and banging around, not to mention swearing that would make a sailor blush. And not one of them was as graceful as that evil witch Poppins. Moom was barking, SP was swearing and the gargoyles were lumbering about trying to avoid the errant nannies, scraping their stone feet, knuckles and tails across the tiles making a noise similar to, but louder than, fingernails scraping down a blackboard.
In the far more civilised morning, Moom discovered a brolly wedged in the fireplace and proceeded to shred the fabric from the metal ribs, discarding it all over the living room floor.
Wednesday, 17:33 - Get home from work to discover the landing carpet is very damp. Entering the bathroom provides the reason: Fishface has found out where I now live and taken up residence in the bath again! SP is understandably livid. Bloody naiads.
Thursday, 16:59 - Arrived home twenty minutes later than I'd hoped due to being waylaid by roadworks, only to find out that Svaathor has turned up early (I'd asked him to pop 'round to remove the naiad as he's experienced in such matters) and brought his (very hot) nephew and great niece.
Stunned at Gathiir's incredible good looks and super-fit body (Gathiir is one of the more human-looking Centaurs - Two legs, two arms, but rather horse-like ears and a splendid tail!), I was oblivious to stepping in his daughter's poo until he somewhat apologetically pointed it out. It seems they'd turned up an hour and a half ago but little Calreed couldn't hold on longer than an hour and a quarter.
Friday, 07:56 - SP unwittingly found out where that manticore went a couple of weeks ago.
"Where's the measuring jug?" he yelled from the kichen as I was moisturising in front of the mirror on the landing.
"In the cupboard under the sink" I yelled back, wondering if I had time to pluck my eyebrows.
"I've looked - It's not there" he replied a little testily.
"It bloody is!" I countered, having put it back there after he left it out last month when he used it to fill his car's screen wash up. "It's at the back, behind your flask." I started downstairs then heard an almighty crash.
"Fucking 'ell!" Careering down the rest of the stairs and into the hall, I saw SP brandishing the jug in the face of a now man-sized manticore admidst splintered shelves and bottles of cleaning products.
"Rrrrrrrooooooooooowwwaaarrrrrhhhh!" the beast roared.
With a very plasticky 'clonk', SP hit the manticore over the head with the jug. "Get out!" he almost screamed.
Very surprisingly, the manticore put a very hurt and pathetic look on it's face and it's tail between it's legs before running out of the kitchen, through the sun room and out the front, across the road, disappearing amongst the trees.
"Oh" I said, surveying the mess. "That's where it went."
And Today - To top it all off, that troll must have followed me home and has set up home under the stairs. I found it not an hour ago crouched behind the Dyson stuffing it's face with dog biscuits. I thought they'd been going rather quickly.
Anyway, after everything else that's happened, I just sighed, closed the cupboard door and left it there. I'll warn SP about it later.
But just where in Christmas are all these minor deities and mythological monsters coming from? Did someone turn the Ley-lines up to eleven? What next? A Phoenix in the oven?
Is anyone else being persecuted by preposterous pests?