Wednesday, 10 September 2008

Little things

I have nothing of consequence to say, but I'm going to post about the little things, anyway:  

This morning I went swimming before work, and as I was doing a length under water, I noticed a pound coin on the bottom of the pool. Naturally, I dived down and retrieved it, but was then momentarily dumbfounded as to what I was going to do with it. My trunks didn't have pockets (imagine how hideous pockets on swimming trunks would look) and I didn't want to leave it on the edge of the pool in case one of the lifeguards, or another swimmer, snaffled it while I was at the other end. In the end, I resorted to holding it between thumb and index finger as I glided up and down the pool.
I did wonder, though, who took a pound into the pool with them? And did they have pockets on their swimming cossie? Ah, well. Their loss. And I don't feel bad for not handing it in at reception because a few weeks ago, one of the lockers ate my pound. I reported it to the receptionist on my way out and said I'd pick it up next time I was in, as I didn't have time to wait for a lackey to poke around in the locking mechanism and retrieve it for me. Needless to say, the next time I was at the pool, all knowledge of my devoured pound was denied. I was most peeved, as I'd been using that same pound for the locker for the last few months. It was my Swimming Pound, godsdammit!  
And another thing: A girl spoke to me today in the pool. A girl! I'm sure you can imagine my horror. Anyway, all she said was "Is it me, or is it really choppy in here today?" I wanted to respond that, Yes, it was her, because she was splashing a lot and not looking where she was going, but AutoPolite kicked in and told her it was because the water level had dropped so the waves weren't going over the edges into the filters and were rebounding back into the pool.   
I'm kind of glad I wasn't horrible to her, as she seemed quite pleasant in a charmingly naive way. Actually, I think you straight boys might like her: She's slim, blonde, pretty, young (mid twenties?) and appears to be quite innocent. Although, she's probably a complete ho. 
Oh, and before I forget, there's a new foxy lifeguard on duty in the mornings! He usually stands at the poolside shallow end in his black shorts and yellow T-shirt, so when I surface there, I get to see his tanned legs. And, if he's not looking down, I can carry on looking up... 
It's about time new eye candy was employed there - The last sexy lifeguard got promoted to manager, then left entirely.
- - -

I've just remembered: When I opened my bedroom curtains this morning, I saw a blackbird fly from my garden, over the road, and onto the grass outside the flats opposite. My heart leapt to my throat, but I realised a second or two later that it wasn't Beaky. For a start, this bird was brown, so it was either a female, or a young bird. I suppose it could've been Mrs Beaky? Or one of his monstrous progeny?  

Beaky, you little shit: Where are you?!

- - -

I got a little bit stung by a bee the other day. Twice!  

On one of the very few nice-ish days last week, I was pottering about the garden, as I am wont to do, and I crouched down to have a look in my pond - Well, I say 'pond', really, it's a water filled decorative plant pot (which is very understated and tasteful). Anyway, as I was crouching there, poking at the duckweed, I felt an itch at the back of my knee, which I ignored. But it got worse. So, I stood up a little and began to scratch the itch until - Yowww! There, clinging to my finger, was a half-squashed bumblebee. It had become trapped in the folds of my jeans behind my knee and managed to get its little stinger through the heavy fabric, but not through my skin, and release its venom. Then, when I poked it without realising mid-scratch, it dumped the last of its venom on my finger. Luckily, it hadn't broken my skin otherwise I'd have said more than 'Yowww!'. Feeling sorry for the poor, squashed little thing (because bumblebees are sooo cute - all furry and strokeable), I managed to get it to crawl onto my finger so I could transport it to my buddleia where it could have a drink and recuperate.  

I hope it did recuperate and didn't just die?

- - -

This afternoon - almost evening, actually - when I left work, I took out my Golden Delicious and took a bite as I was walking away from the office. Curiously, it tasted slightly of mustard. I kept eating it, marvelling at how apple and mustard tasted so natural together.  

I think I might make an apple pie with a mustard pastry crust...

- - -
And that's about it. For now, anyway.


  1. First of all, can I have my pound back please? I wondered where it had gone.

    Secondly, send the ho to me, I'll be more than happy to give her a quick once over. Like an MOT, you understand. Nothing nefarious.

    Thirdly: my robo-bees failed! More venom next time! Thanks also for the wiki link to bumblebees. Because, like, I totally didn't have a freakin clue what they were…

  2. Tim: If you want your pound, you'll have to come and get it...

    As for the ho: If I can nab her while she's thrashing her way up and down the pool, I'll pop her in a jiffy bag and send her your way.

    And as for the bumblebees: If you'd read the link, it says "there are over 250 known species primarily occurring in the Northern Hemisphere". That was: Northern Hemisphere. The place that T-Bird, Dora and Spike don't live.

    Although, they probably do know what a bumblebee is...

  3. Humph, humph, and thrice humph!

  4. Tim: The first and third "humph"s I can understand, but the second? Unless your letterbox isn't big enough for the ho to fit through, which means you'll have to go out of your way to the sorting office to collect her?

  5. It's always cool to find money! Fantastic! It's karma giving you back your money! Perhaps your new swim hag would like to partner up for some synchronized swimming. It's never too early to prepare for London Olympics! As long as you don't breaststroke her in the pool, you don't have to worry about her becoming a psychotic swimfan. And if the lifeguard keeps the pool chlorine level to standard, then you don't have to worry about catching a social disease from her.

    As for bumblebee, was Shia LeBouf around? I've been stung by bees three times in my life; and they really hurt! I think the bee lived; I read somewhere that bees release a scent when they're crushed to death, and that scent incites other bees to attack in great numbers! Since you didn't suffer a swarm attack, I figure the bee lived--to be eaten by a bird, quite possibly a decepticon.

  6. Regarding the pound coin...

    Why didn't you use your foreskin as a change purse?

  7. That swimming girl was probably totally hot for you, happily oblivious to you lusting over the lifeguard.

  8. I'm sure that the person who lost the coin had just stuffed it down his speedo hiding it with his tackle. You remember fat speedo guy?

    I have never been stung by a bee or wasps and knowing how I look after a mosquito has had its way with me, I fear I am allergic

  9. You lucky bastard , found a pound and got hit on by a flaxen haired nympho(Yes ok you were not interested but thats not the piont).
    You could have gripped the coin with the cheeks of your butt for the duration of your swim ??
    Aww the poor bee would have ripped its guts out when it deployed the stinger , so its survival doesnt sound likely , but never mind its in heaven with Beaky now :-)

  10. Anonymous11/9/08 14:18

    I was hoping that talk of the new eye candy lifeguard might mean that "doing a length underwater" came to mean something much more interesting than merely swimming.

  11. Anonymous11/9/08 21:10

    As there was nothing of consequence to say, we didn't bother reading.

    How are you enjoying life in the new dimension?

  12. "She's slim, blonde, pretty, young (mid twenties?) and appears to be quite innocent. Although, she's probably a complete ho."

    The bitch in me is most pleased, IDV.

  13. Goodness. All that work for a pound coin. I admire your determination

  14. Ooh - I want to hea ll about the apple and mustard pie. I'll be dreaming of Piemaker Ned in the meantime.

  15. "appears to be quite innocent. Although, she's probably a complete ho"

    Ideal combination, the opposite is just as good.

    As for pockets, I've got 4 (count em) FOUR velcro prockets on my swimwear. And I wear speedos. Dun dun duuuuh!

  16. I am all too familiar with the northen hemisphere bumblebee. Some bastard imported them into Straylya way back when and I trod on one when I was a sprog and my foot swelled up the size of a bloody football and hurt like buggery and I cried like a big wuss.


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