Saturday, September 06, 2008

Coven Origins: Part Three


"It does give them a lift, doesn't it." Snow White said. "Where did you get it from?"

"Well, this one comes from The Bodice Shop over in Varz" Rapunzel replied, "but I have a golden metal bikini from-"

"Ssshhhhhh!" Scarlet hissed, silencing further conversation about their boobs.

"What?" whispered Rapunzel.

"Someone's approaching from" Scarlet cocked her head to the left "over there" she nodded.

"I can't hear anything" Snow White whispered. Scarlet brushed back her blonde hair and exposed a slightly pointed ear to the young queen. "Ah."

After a few seconds, Rapunzel spoke in hushed tones. "I can hear something now."

"Me too" Snow White chimed in.

Scarlet sniffed the air. "It's a man." She sniffed again. "He's on his own." The three young women stood up, forming a triangle facing into the forest where the man was coming from. Scarlet was at point, with Rapunzel to her left and Snow White to her right. "Here he comes now."

The sounds of the man approaching through the undergrowth got louder: Rustling leaves, snapping twigs and a curious hissing, crackling sound. Then, through a particularly dense thicket of birch trees, the girls made out a shadowy figure, the glint of sunlight on metal and a swishing sound.
Suddenly, several loud 'cracks' rang out in quick succession followed by a grunt, then the creaking and groaning of full-grown trees collapsing into each other. A hole appeared amongst the trees edging the clearing and a half-naked man in what looked like leather chaps and the charred, tattered remnants of a once white shirt strode through, brandishing an absolutely enormous axe!
Scarlet dropped to a crouch, starting to look less like a pleasant young woman, and more... Well, more furry and pointy. Rapunzel and Snow White however, just stood there, transfixed by the vision of manliness before them as leaves from the felled trees fluttered down around him. Those that landed on his broad shoulders immediately crinkled up, the moisture in them hissing away in the heat he generated.

Then, the woodcutter saw them. He raised an eyebrow devilishly. "Rawr!" he growled, eyeing them up, following with a disarmingly sexy grin.

Both Snow White and Rapunzel's hands went to their throats, their eyes wide. Even Scarlet rose from her fighting stance looking every bit the lady again.

"My ladies" he said, bowing before them. "I am Tim, a humble woodsma-"

"Yaaarrrghh! Look out below!"

The four looked up to see a witch barrelling out of the sky towards them.

"Eeep!"
"Eeek!"
"Yikes!"
"Ooof!"
"Ow."

Amidst a heap of snow and hair, Tim the woodsman shook his head free of ice crystals and looked at the witch atop him.

"Mmmmmph! Mmmmphfff!" said the witch through the pointed hat which had been rammed down over the witch's head in the crash.

"Here. Let me help you" Tim said kindly, yanking the black hat off the witch's head.

"My hero!" gushed the witch, grinning soppily at the devastatingly handsome man beneath him.

"Aaaargh! You're a man!" Tim yelled, pushing the witch off him. The snow hissed to steam around him, and within seconds it had all melted, exposing the three girls underneath, all of whom looked less than thrilled.

"What is the meaning of this?" exclaimed a damp Snow White.

"Your Majesty" said the witch, bowing. "I apologise for dropping in like that, but I've come with a warning: We're surrounded by the evil and perverse flying monkeys of Majestrix J'zhum. One of them ripped a handful of bristles out of my broom - Thank you" the witch said as a tendril of Rapunzel's hair proffered him his broom, "- Causing me to crash."

"Did you not see the monkey approach?"

"Umm... No. I was a little..." and the witch glanced at the half-naked woodcutter, "Distracted."

Snow White also stole a glance at the woodcutter. "Yes. I completely understand" she said, just about managing to drag her gaze from the man and make eye contact with the witch again.

There was a rustling from the treetops surrounding them. "We'd better defend ourselves" the witch suggested.

The five of them stood facing out and upwards into the trees forming a pentagram. Snow White covered in ice and frost, Rapunzel's hair twisted into numerous writhing tentacles, Scarlet a vicious snarling werefox, Tim radiating intense heat and wielding his enormous red-hot axe, and me, shadowed in my hat and cloak, glowing ribbons of spells forming between my fingers.

Those flying monkeys wouldn't stand a chance!



The end.

32 comments:

  1. AWESOME.

    I AM covered in ice and snow!

    This is exactly how it happened, too.

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  2. fabulous!

    Still I can't help but wonder what happens next

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  3. I'll tell you what happens next: the witch reimburses me - that white shirt was new!

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  4. Yay!!!! It's pretty well exactly as I remember it... it all got a bit foggy after the Woodsmen showed us his axe.

    I'm glad you had the presence of mind to record this for future generations.

    Plus, you couldn't have picked a more awesome super power for me... thanks! I love it, seriously.

    Again, I am making Dora read this when I get her into my clutches!

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  5. Well, I hope you're ready; everybody knows monkeys fling poo. God help anyone in the open when those monkeys take to the skies! They'll make pigeon droppings look like snowflakes...

    Great job!

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  6. J'zhum...

    Is that like jizm?

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  7. Dinah: Thank you. I'm glad I finally remembered everything properly.

    CyberPetra: Thank you, too. I'm considering releasing a Directors Cut or adding the fight scene, but... We'll see.

    Tim: Me reimburse you?!? You're the one who scorched your shirt, not me. You shouldn't be so hot!

    T-Bird: And thank you, too. That enormous axe was rather off-putting wasn't it!
    And you hair is not only your awesome super power, but it's sleek and shiny, too!

    Eros: Yes, they were dirty little gits. I scrubbed myself raw when we reached bathing facilities!

    MJ: Ummm... It might be?


    OK, it is.

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  8. Ha ha! Jism! I totally didn't get that - even when I said it out loud.

    Me spazzy.

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  9. T-Bird: Looks like Patrick got and decided he wants some, the perv.

    Patrick: I don't know who John is, but he wasn't here at 3:16. I think you've been stood up.
    I'm sure you have better things to do. Run along now.

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  10. At the risk if seeming nerdish, five peoples ability to form a pentagram is dependant on ones mental joinging of their positions being particularily complex and pagan. Ones normal inclination is to join the nearest people together in which case a pentagon is formed. Unfortuneately, this evokes images of American military stategy and not the more fantastic medieval imagery you wished for. Perhaps you should have filled in the dots with some gratuatus gnomes, sprites or elves or some such, or left out the geometry all together?

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  11. Whoop whoop - GOD BOTHERER ALERT!!!

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  12. BOOOOO! the promise of Hot Lesbo Grinding fizzled out in a furtive boob grope.

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  13. At least we got some homoerotic Tim action.

    Right Beastie?

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  14. Ooh, Tickers, I love it when you get all intellectual!
    Do you know? I was thinking about how people would perceive the pentagram/pentagon thing. The various accoutrements (hooded cloak, spells, hair etc) did form a V shape behind each member of The Coven, creating the points to the pentagram - I should've explained it in the post, shouldn't I.

    Tim: I bet God's spinning in his grave at Patrick's ham-fisted attempts at conversion.

    Beast: Ah, but did you not imagine what they were up to before they came out of the woods before Snow White?

    CyberPetra: Not enough, but I'm working on it.

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  15. I'm working against it.

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  16. But, Tim: we'll be locked in an eternal struggle, somewhat like Lazarus and his anti-matter opposite!

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  17. CP , well the hot homoerotic Tim action goes without saying . The Beast is an equal oppertunities perv :-)

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  18. Never! I shall destroy you - by bitch-slapping you with Autumn Reeser who is holding a bat! With a nail through it!

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  19. Beast: Ah, a modern man.

    Tim: What? You're going to swing Reeser at me while she's swinging a bat with a nail through it?

    Wait. What colour is the nail varnish? It won't clash with my top, will it? Am I going to have to change first?

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  20. Yeah, you're going to get a face full of Autumn - and nail!

    And the colour? It's PAIN!

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  21. *snigger*

    Just wondering if Patrick followed the links to MJ's...

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  22. Thank you.

    You must work in his Tams

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  23. Tim's Tams? Where? What? How did I miss this?

    I was too busy being angry.

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  24. "And Hebron, and Rehob, and Hammon, and Kanah, even unto great Zidon;" - Joshua 19:28

    Think about THAT.

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  25. No you shouldn't have explained it. I was just being a pedantic prat for comic effect.

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  26. Tim: Well, that definitely won't go with my top!

    T-Bird: It would explain why he hasn't come back. Or Dinah's Joshua at 19:28 gave him his comeuppance?

    'Petra: In, on, with, I really don't mind.

    T-Bird: Too late - I've scoffed the lot! Heh heh!

    Tickers: Now I've ruined it.

    Although, you did make me laugh.

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  27. don't forget "on top" and "underneath"

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  28. Both of you, stop mentally-violating me this instant!

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  29. sorry TimTams

    that of course was highly inappropriate

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  30. 'Petra: I surely won't!

    Tim: OK. I'm sorry, too.

    What about physical violations?

    'Petra: I hope you had your fingers crossed when you apologised? I did!

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