Monday, 19 March 2007

Supernatural origins, part Two

Indescribable was positively beside herself.

"You need my help" she crowed.

"No" I said as calmly as I could through gritted teeth. "I would like your help. I don't need it."

"Pah!" she spat. "You can't do this without me."

I bit my tongue. I could have done it without her, it's just that it'd take longer and would be safer and more convenient to use someone I know and am familiar with. I narrowed my lips in an approximation of a surrendering smile.

Inexcuseable, on the other hand, was a pushover. All she wanted was for me to order something from my Next catalogue for her. Phew! I thought she was going to say I had to come to see her and her fiance at their new home and stay for a homecooked meal. Inexcuseable and her oven don't exactly see eye to eye, and her recipe books were so ashamed of their content being marmalised that the flock of them flew off through her kitchen window one day, never to be seen again*

The three of us gathered in the old hospital grounds and prepared for our task. Well, I say prepared, there wasn't much to do to be honest. Inexcusable stood scowling with her thumb in her mouth as Indescribable and I bickered.

"Oh shut up, you bossy git!" Indescribable screamed at me.

"Well, where is it then?" I asked her sarcastically.

Indescribable had 'misplaced' her wand. She'd already tipped the contents of her bag out on to the cracked tarmac, old chewing gum packets and tammy wrappers skittered about in the breeze.

"Here!" she cried, triumphantly producing the battered wand from what I hoped was only an extra long lipstick case.

"At last. Now, can we get on?" I asked somewhat exasperated. "And take your bloody thumb out, Inexcusable!" With a pop, her thumb was removed, but replaced with a pout. "Right. You know what to do. I'll anchor you here, so don't do anything daft like Relocating once you're there. I don't want to have to trawl through a fortnight to find you."

"Durrrrr..." was Indescribable's response.

"I know" was Inexcusable's as she stepped back into yesterday, twisting out of sight.

Privately, I was impressed. She was getting much better at The Art, she almost made it look easy. Unlike Indescribable. I watched in wincing resignation as she clumsily tripped over her own feet, fell over tomorrow, farted, and landed in Wednesday before fading from view. Silly cow.

Once out of my sight, I started scanning the hospital with my wand, just as my sisters should be doing.

A couple of minutes later, Inexcusable reappeared.

"Here" she said sulkily, discharging the results of her scan from yesterday from her wand to mine. "Where's Indescribable?"

I rolled my eyes. "Probably in the middle of next week by now" I sighed. "It's all right. You can go, thank you."

" 'K. Bye." And with that she walked off towards her car, thumb planted firmly back in her mouth.

"See you next week" I shouted after her, then turned back towards the hospital. Indescribable still wasn't back. Sod this, I thought. Grunting, I pulled the Curstring that connected me to her. Bugger me! She must weigh a ton! Suddenly, she popped back into existence. And fell over on to her sizeable arse, narrowly missing my right foot.

"Oof!" she said.

"Wand" I demanded. She held it up in one hand, the other she used to rub her knee. I discharged her scans into my wand. "When are these from? Tuesday or Wednesday?"

"Neither. Thursday."

"Thursday? But you landed in Wednesday?"

"Yeah, I know. But I banged my knee on arrival, uttered the wrong curse and backed up into Thursday 'cause I wasn't facing forwards."

I was incredulous. "You mean you went into the future because you were facing the wrong way?!?"** Before she could say anything else, I carried on. "Never mind. I can compensate for that. Just... Just don't go bumbling around in the timestream by yourself, you clod!"

I spun on my heels and narrowly avoided flouncing off. Instead, I just about pulled off a manly stride as I flung Indescribable's wand over my shoulder at her still sitting form.

* Although, I think I've seen Delia Smith's Complete Cookery Course roosting in Norwich City Football Club's grounds.

** Thank you Hobbes, the reluctant time travelling tiger. Yukon Ho!


  1. Have you considered taking up baton twirling?

  2. Anonymous19/3/07 14:41

    Your staff ... your ... oops, never mind...

  3. Anonymous19/3/07 15:31

    Very interesting - I would like to get my hands on your wand! I am looking forward to the next installment!

  4. "And fell over on to her sizeable arse, narrowly missing my right foot."

    Steatopygia sufferer?

  5. Mutley: His "battered" wand.

    *wonders where it's been*


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