CCQ: A Hair Raising Affair

Why are we doing intertitle cards again?

I think The Host is quite pleased with how they came out and wants to make the most of them.

Very well.  Carry on.

 

 "Ah.  Mr Device."

 "Glurk!"  IDV stopped in his tracks as a figure appeared in front of him.  "Um.  I mean: Very Mistress.  How lovely to see you and whatnot.  Wherever did you spring from?"

 The Very Mistress smiled smugly (smugly smiled?  smigged smuley?) at IDV's obvious discomfort.  "I was in the bakery" she said, waving her claw in the general vicinity, "availing myself of a Danish puff when I heard all this commotion, so I came out to see what was going on.  Imagine my surprise to see that you've usurped another role from me."

 "Well.  Um.  You see...  That is...  Um..."

 "Yes?"

 "Well, I wasn't sure if your hectic schedule of publishing your old drafts would allow for a part, you see?"

 "You could have asked?"

 "Ha ha.  Yes.  Good point.  Ahem."

 "So" The Very Mistress asked, looking over IDV's purple suit, green cloak and hat, her gaze finally coming to a halt on his right hand.  "Who are you meant to be, then?"

 IDV fidgeted a little and hid his crone-finger in the folds of his cloak.  "The Haggard Claw" he said glumly.

 "Ha!" The Very Mistress barked.  "Yes, I see."

 "My finger doesn't normally look like this!  It came with the role" IDV protested, then muttered under his breath "as well you know, considering that it's your role and finger."

 "What?!"

 "Nothing.  Anyway, I really must be going" IDV said as he eyed Houndwort wriggling into the boot of Ms Scarlet's Compact Figaro across the street as she drove off.  "Ms Scarlet - I mean, the Carmine Quill - is getting away and, unbeknownst to her, Houndwort is getting away with her!"

 

oOo

 

 Just as the Compact Figaro was pulling away, another car pulled up - an enormous Mercedes-Benz 600 Pullman with a private plate, A5 R13L.  The driver, a very handsome young man wearing a checked shirt and bowtie, got out and opened a rear passenger door for the Greek chorus who had been sheltering from the drizzle under the awning of the corner shop.  Seeing an opportunity, IDV ran across the road towards the limousine.  Pam Demic had just embarked when IDV turned up and barged the other two out of the way.

 "Follow that car!" he yelled as he dived in, rather too enthusiastically.  

 "Hello, Tootes!" Pam - AKA Maddie - greeted him as he landed in her lap.  "This is a delightful surprise."  

 "We'll see about that" said the other passenger, a very well-to-do lady wearing large dark glasses, even larger jewellery, and a turban.  "He nearly made me spill my tea!"

 "Sorry" a chastened IDV mumbled, then noticed the beautiful, ornate bone china laid out on a small table in front of the well-dressed lady.  "Ooh, I do like your tea set."

 "Fabulous, isn't it" she agreed.

 "Beep boop?" Norma-D2 interrupted from the pavement as she peered into the car through the open door.

 "There's no room for you two now."  Maddie dismissed the droids with a wave of her rubber-gloved hand.  "Let's go, driver!"

 One eyebrow raised adorably in surprised confusion, the driver closed the door then quickly got in the driver's side and floored the gas pedal.  In the back, the passengers were pressed back into their seats by the surge of acceleration.

 "Well, really!" said C3-Peenee from the pavement (that's sidewalk for the Americans amongst you) as the limo sped away without them.

 "Beep boop" Norma-D2 resignedly agreed.

oOo

A few miles down the road...

 "Crikey, my head's itchy and hot in this!" Ms Scarlet exclaimed to herself.  She tried taking her driving helmet off with one hand as she steered with the other, but the buckles and clasps were too complicated for only four fingers and a thumb.  Another set would be required.  "How does Penelope Pitstop put up with it all day, every day?"

 "Because she's just a cartoon, Bab."

 "Oh.  Yes.  Of course" Ms Scarlet agreed as she tried to get her fingers under the helmet to scratch her scalp.  Hang on... 

 "Who said that?!?"  There was no answer.  "Oh, the heat's gone to my head" she wailed.  "I need to take this helmet off!"

 Spying the garish yellow and black sign of a Morrisons supermarket down the road (and knowing the nearest Waitrose was more than twenty miles away), Ms Scarlet decided to pull in and and avail herself of the facilities.  I can also get the milk that I forgot in the first part of this 'adventure'.  Ooh, and maybe some wine! she thought, as she pulled into the carpark.

 Having parked her Figaro, Ms Scarlet got out and grappled with her helmet as she walked across the tarmac accompanied by a faint jingle.  Two women stood just outside the entrance having an animated conversation.

 "... and then I was here" the first one said, gesturing wildly around her with her left arm.  "What's going on?  What happened?"

 "I don't know" the second woman replied.  "I never know what's going on with these things.  One moment I'm shouting at the news, and the next I'm on my knees covered in orange paint with a massive green wig on my head!"

 "That sounds very disturbing."

 "You're not wrong.  And half the time, there's some competition going on, but I never understand the rules - or arrive late - and end up ransacking my kitchen to make a tin-foil hat."

 "Does that help?"

 "No.  But I did win once."

 "Hello Melanie.  Hello Savvy" Ms Scarlet trilled as she approached.  "Fancy seeing you here!"  Suddenly the final clasp of her helmet twanged open, and she yanked the horrid head-protector off.  The two women screamed and ran off in horror at the resulting explosion of Gail Platt hair.  "Oh, dear."

 The supermarket doors opened and a glamorous-looking woman - rather showy for Morrisons, except for her bog brush hair cut - walked out pushing a trolley laden with bottles and groceries.  Another smaller, older, dowdy woman sat in the child seat.

 "Christ!" she hissed and staggered dramatically, gripping the trolley's handle to keep herelf upright as she recoiled at the sight of Ms Scarlet's hair.

 "Mitzi!" Ms Scarlet exclaimed.  "What's wrong?  What's the matter?!"

 Mitzi fumbled in her bag, unable to look away from The Hair.  Eventually, she withdrew a compact, flipped it open and held it up for Ms Scarlet to see her reflection.

 "Aaaaiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"

 "My sentiments exactly" Mitzi agreed.

oOo

Not long afterwards...

 "Pull in here" Jon ordered.

 "Where?"

 "Here, Mago!  Here on the right!"

 Mago spun the steering wheel and did a handbrake turn into Morrison's carpark, narrowly missing a small, pink and yellow car coming out.

 "I think that was Ms Scarlet?" Dinah said.

 "Turn around.  Turn around!" 

 "Ja, ja" Mago muttered under his breath.  "I really shouldn't be driving in this state."

 "Yes, but you're the only one with a car."

 "Minibus" Mago corrected Jon.  "Und, Dinah's got a car."

 "Which won't fit all three of us in" Dinah said "as it's mostly full of bits of garden."

 "Und empty bottles..."

 "They're not all mine!"

 "Just most of them" Jon said with a grin which soon faded when he realised that Mago was taking them further and further into the very busy carpark.  "What are you doing, Mago?  We need to be following Ms Scarlet!"

 "Ja, I know.  There's nowhere to turn around, though."  Mago slammed on the brakes as a car reversed out of a space in front of them.  "It's very busy here" he continued as he swerved around a dithering idiot in a Toyota Corolla then slammed on the brakes again to stop from running over a large-bottomed woman in faded black leggings pushing a trolley.  "I'm going to have to go around."

 

 After an interminable amount of time manoeuvring around the hellish carpark, Mago, Dinah and Jon at last found themselves at the exit.

 "Go now!" Jon almost screamed.

 "I can't" Mago grumbled.  "There's too much traffic."

 "Now!"

 "Nein.  After this big old limousine, I think" Mago said having spotted a large gap after the speeding German behemoth that was barrelling down the road.  A few seconds later as the limo passed the exit, Mago jammed his foot on the accelerator and wheelspun out of the Morrisons hellhole.

 "Oh!" Dinah exclaimed in disappointment.  "We didn't get the wine."

 

oOo

Meanwhile in Mitzi's conservatory...

 

"So, what's it to be then?" Mitzi asked as she sharpened her garden shears. 

 Ms Scarlet eyed the blades with concern.  "Um.  Just a trim, please."

 "You could have a Lionel Blair cut" Mitzi suggested, leaning down until her mouth was at Ms Scarlet's ear, "like mine?"

 "Lionel Blair doesn't have his hair cut like yours."

 "He does if he comes here!"¹

 "Hmmm..." Ms Scarlet pondered as she kept a wary eye on the shears.  "Hang on a minute...  Who am I, Mitzi?"

 "I'm Mitzi.  You're Ms Scarlet" Mitzi answered, nonplussed.  

 "Not the Carmine Quill?"

 "Ah.  No.  Although, just for a second there, I thought you were a good looking blond."

 "I am a good looking blonde!" Ms Scarlet shrieked.  "Aren't I??"

 "Yes.  I mean, no.  I mean, a blond - sans 'e'.  A blond man" Mitzi explained.

 "Oh" Ms Scarlet relented and, having thought about what Mitzi had just said, was struck by realisation.  "Aha, I thought so!"

"Thought what?"

"We're not over the Cusp - we're ON it!  Whatever we do, say or think shapes the Cusp once we go over."

 Mitzi said nothing and looked thoughtful for a while.  Then, just when Ms Scarlet was about to break the silence, Mitzi spoke.  "So.  How much do you want off, then?"

 Glad that the conversation was back to some semblance of 'normal' as she wasn't quite sure where she was going with the over/on thing, Ms Scarlet made up her mind.  "Enough to make me look like a 60s model."

 

 When Mitzi had finished - she was surprisingly deft with the shears - Ms Scarlet stared at the beehive 'do in the mirror Mitzi had proffered, her face unreadable except for a slight quiver in her lips.

 Thinking that Ms Scarlet was about to throw-up, Mitzi started to get worried.  "Have you eaten something?" she asked.

 "Not since 1973" was Ms Scarlet's reply.²  "Or, that's what it feels like due to my crippling jaw condition" she mumbled.  "No.  I love it!"

 "Bleedin' 'ell!" Mitzi let rip, and then remembered herself as she continued manoeuvring the mirror so that Ms Scarlet could see her new 'do from all angles.  "I mean: I say!  You had me going there for a mo."

 "Sorry.  I wonder though, could you do a kind of basket weave on the front?"  Suddenly, a strange plant in the reflection of the greenery in the corner caught her eye.  "And is that a new pot plant?"

To be continued...

::  ::  ::

1. The Lionel Blair cut, from Harp lager ad (1992)

 

2. Not eaten since 1973, Patsy & Eddie from Ab Fab "Morocco"