Thursday 23 September 2010

Cusp Trek III: The Search For Sanity

  Continued from Cusp Trek II: The Lust of IDV...

 "C'mon" Vicarious Tim wheedled from within me.
Not that type of within mores the pity, just think of him as an extra SubC. Look, I've even gone so far as to colour him in red to make it easier for us all.
 "I want to go to yoga."
 "Well, I don't" I retorted.
 "But you ought to go - You're very stiff."
 "No. You are. And I'm going to stay here with Monsieur Palm and his five strapping sons to sort that out."
 "Urgh! You're not. We're going to go to yoga. And that's final!"
 "Ooh, I love it when you're all commanding and masterful" I teased humourlessly as the part of
Vicarious Tim within Broom manoeuvred our transportation to my grasp.
 Tim shuddered within me. Again, not that type of within, unfortunately. Before we could bicker any further, the doorbell rang. I was expecting The Coven at some point but didn't think they'd be around until the afternoon.
 "Oh, dear gods" I muttered. "What lousy timing." Then, in a louder voice, for the door sensors to pick up, "Enter."
 The front door swished open to reveal a figure in a hoody standing in the shadows. It raised it's hands and lifted the hood back.
 "Tim!" I gasped.

It's probably best to keep reading while listening to this - It does go on a bit.

 After inviting the Virtuous Tim in and plying him with coffee and Fondant Fancies, I asked him why he had sought me out after all these months.
 "I have come to extract Vicarious Tim so that he may take his rightful place with me again" he said through a mouthful of feather-light sponge and pink icing.
 "Oh, thank gods" I almost cried with relief. "He's driving me crazy with all his demands, and just look at these blisters on my fingers and palms from spending too much time with his long, thick shaft." Virtuous Tim nearly spat out his cake.
 "What?!" he choked.
 "You know" I said, confused and slightly alarmed by Virtuous Tim's extreme reaction. "I've been riding him a lot." The look on Virtuous Tim's face alternated between horror and violation.
 "You mean, you've been... Uh... You know... Umm..." he stuttered.
 "Oh, no. Not that! That fizzled out pretty quickly." I shuddered as I remembered all the arguments and clashes over dominance and detail. "No. Once demolecularised, there was a lot of him to go around, so what I couldn't channel into Broom, I took within me. He's very demanding: Yoga, gigs, shopping, Ikea, bike riding... He won't let me sit still! If I'd known just how high maintenance he is, I wouldn't've bothered taking him within me and Broom in the first place." Virtuous Tim was visibly relieved.
 "Well" he said, "It sounds like I arrived in the nick of time. We'll fly to Australia Vulcan where the reintegration ceremony will take place."
 "Austra- I mean: Vulcan?" I was aghast. "Not on Broom, we won't. Not if we want to get there in one piece!"
 "Don't worry" Virtuous Tim reassured me. "In the time it's taken you to post part three of this story, I've commandeered a starship to transport us: The Enterprise!"
 I rolled my eyes and muttered about a starship being overkill for a trip only half way around the planet. Luckily, Virtuous Tim was oblivious to my reaction as he continued to talk.
 "My crew are standing by ready to receive us. I'd be grateful if you'd give the word, IDV?"
 "The word is given" I sighed, humouring him, as I put down my coffee and stood up, grabbing Broom as I did so. I stood there for several seconds, perplexed as Virtuous Tim headed towards the door. "Umm... Aren't we going to beam up?" I asked.
 "Ah... No. She's parked outside" he explained somewhat defensively and left the building.


Outside Castle DeVice, Miss Scarlet, Eros, 'Petra and Beast loitered.
 "It's better than the first one, anyway" Miss Scarlet said.
 "Well, pretty much anything would be" Eros replied. "I told him glueing a couple of nacelles on to his MINI Clubfootman wouldn't cut it."
 "At least this one almost looks the part" Beast said. "And we can all fit inside it."
 "Where did you find it again, Beast?" Beast looked a bit shifty before he answered 'Petra.
 "Umm... Oh, it was just lying at the roadside somewhere in Alberta. Ahem."
 "Well, it looks fabulous. And Eros has done a fantastic job of fixing up the innards."
 "Thanks, 'Petra."
 "Look out!" Beast hissed. "Here they come!"


 "There she is" Virtuous Tim pointed. "My ship: The Enterprise!"
 I looked over to where Tim was pointing and saw a group of familiar looking people dressed in Starfleet uniforms suddenly come to attention beneath a large, rather amateur-looking model of the USS Enterprise.
 "And this is my crew" he said as we approached them. "You remember Scotty" Eros smiled politely in greeting and gave us a very un-Scottish 'Howdy'; "Uhura" Miss Scarlet smiled a little uncomfortably, then, when Tim wasn't looking, raised her phaser to her temple and faked blowing her head off; "Sulu and Chekov, don't you?" Beast and 'Petra just grimaced at each other and rolled their eyes.
 "Yes, of course I do" I replied a little testily, realising just what fantasy Virtuous Tim was playing out.
 "Now, now, Bones" he admonished. "Although, I suppose I can understand what with you having Spock, AKA Vicarious Tim, inside you."
 I sighed and smiled fakely, but Virtuous Tim didn't seem to notice. I guessed that he was going slightly crazy as only half a person, and was finding solace in a world created from his interests and career. Sighing again, I followed the others and boarded the ship, taking the only spare seat on the bridge at the science station.
 "Set course for Vulcan, best speed." Beast and 'Petra grimaced at each other again as they plotted a course for Australia. "Scan for vessels in pursuit."
 "Scanning: Indications are negative at this time" I, or rather Vicarious Tim said through me. Everyone turned to look at me, surprise plastered over their faces. "Did I get it right?" I asked.
 "You did great, Bones. Just great" Virtuous Tim replied.
 "Oh, no, wait!" I took another look at the sensor data, this time without Vicarious Tim's interference. "A Dra'Kling ship is decloaking!" I put the image of the pink ship up on the main viewscreen. "It's a Bus-class long range scout. Hull markings identify it as one QotD Priscilla."
 "Shields up" Virtuous Tim ordered. "Fire photon torpedo!"
 Beast scoured the board in front of him. "I can't find the 'fire' button" he wailed. "Where is it? Oh, don't worry: I've got it" he said, much to our relief, and rather belatedly pressed the big red 'fire' button that was right in front of his face.
 Unfortunately, he was too late. The Dra'Kling ship had already fired two rather disgusting looking torpedoes right at us!
 "Oh, no! Poutine torpedoes incoming!"
 "Reverse course! Evasive manoeuvres!" But it was too late. The poutine torpedoes splattered against our windshield and clogged up the plasma exhaust vents and torpedo tubes. We were immobilised!
 "We're being hailed." "On screen" Tim ordered. The viewscreen snapped into life displaying three familiar-looking women in elaborate costume.
 "Ah, Tim-"
 "Captain Kirk, actually" Tim said peevishly.
 "Whatever. Anyway, we meet at last" the central figure with the severe fringe/bangs greeted him. "I am Commander Krude" MJ said, "and these are my officers Malteser and Skoda Felicia" she indicated to Snooze and Dinah, respectively.
 "Why are you dressed as men?" Beast asked.
 "Why are you even here?" Krude/MJ snapped back. "Anyway, shut up, I'm talking to Ti- Captain Kirk" and she turned her attention to Tim again. "It seems we have you at a disadvantage so prepare to be boarded."
 "Give me a minute to inform my crew."
 "I give you two minutes for you and your gallant crew."
 "Shit! What are we going to do?" 'Petra said with a hint of panic once Miss Scarlet had switched the intercom off.
 "Don't worry. I have a foolhardy but also foolproof plan" Tim replied. "When they beam over here, we'll beam over there after setting the self destruct!" A round of gasps erupted from the crew. "What? You've seen Star Trek III haven't you? You knew this was going to happen. Besides, time's up - We have to get going." He turned to Eros, who was inexplicably wearing nothing but his blue underwear. His look now matched his southern accent - he was more Trip than Scotty. Somehow, Tim managed to overlook this and asked "Scotty, have you set the self destruct?"
 "Aye, Sir" Eros confirmed. "Ah've poured sugar in the fuel tank and stuck a potato up the exhaust. She's all set, Cap'n."
 "Good work, Mr Scott. Now, beam us over." Eros twiddled some knobs and the transporter beam took us.
 We materialised on board the Priscilla, surprising Malteser who'd been in the loo and so wasn't transported to the Enterprise with Krude, Skoda and the rest of the crew.


 Aboard the Enterprise, Krude was livid.
 "Where are they?" MJ raged.
 "Haven't you seen Star Trek III either?" Dinah answered with an exasperated sigh.
 "Tim, IDV and co beamed over to our ship when we beamed here. If you want to join the Coven, you'll have to have more than a passing knowledge of Star Trek, you know."
 "Why the Hell didn't you warn me before we beamed over?"
 "Durrr... Because it would've ruined the story, of course!"
 "But now we're trapped here" MJ looked at the temperature gauge, the needle of which was wobbling about in the red 'danger' zone, "and about to explode!"
 "I don't care. I'm out of here, anyway. I've had enough of blogging so this is my way out."
 "You can't just go and leave me here!"
 "Watch me" Dinah said. "Good luck. Byeeee!" And she disappeared.


 "What the-?" Snooze-as-Malteser started as Beast kicked open the cubicle door. She hastily dropped her book and pulled her trousers up as she stood up. "How embarrassing" she said as Tim looked her up and down. "I don't deserve to live."
 "Fine. I'll kill you later" Tim flippantly agreed before returning to the cabin and peering out the window.
 The Enterprise hung before the Priscilla, small explosions pitting it's alabaster hull. Suddenly, the saucer section was consumed in a massive explosion, propelling debris everywhere. Some of it heading towards them. One piece in particular struck the rear axle, but no one noticed as it didn't cause any damage.
 "My God, Bones" Tim said. "What have I done?"
 I rolled my eyes again, knowing what I had to say. "What you had to do. What you always do. Turn death into a fighting chance to live."
 "C'mon. Let's get out of here" Miss Scarlet said nudging Eros, Beast and 'Petra.
 "Which one's the damn anti-matter inducer?" Eros asked scanning the dashboard.
 "This?" 'Petra said pointing at a small black button. "No, this!"
 "This or nothing" Beast said prodding the green button 'Petra had pointed to last.
 The Priscilla surged forward. We were on our way to Australi- Shit, sorry - Vulcan.


 On 'Vulcan', we were greeted enthusiastically by Dora and her retinue of scantily clad bimbos.
 "G'day! You made it, then?"
 "Dora! Great to see you" Tim and I cried before remembering we were still supposed to be in the story.
 "Come on then" she beckoned. "They're waiting for us up top." And with that she and her bimbos escorted us up a massive red rock where the ceremony to re-fuse Tim's vicarious spirit with his virtuous body was to take place.
 In the circular open-air temple at the top were two blow up li-los, several large incense burners that looked suspiciously like barbecues (the smell thay gave off was definitely mouth watering) and a throne flanked by six muscular men wearing only swimming trunks. Sitting in the throne was another familiar face.
 "Miss Smuggersham!"
 "Well, it's T'Bird for the purposes of this story, actually" she said. "You know, what with Vulcan females generally having names that start with T apostrophe. I thought I'd haul out the old moniker. Great to see you! Now, you lot" and she waved at 'Petra, Beast, Eros and Miss Scarlet "make yourselves at home. There's some tinnies in that ice bucket over there and plenty of prawns on the barbie.
 "Who's the keeper of the vicarious spirit, then?" T'Bird asked getting down to business.
 "That'd be me" I raised my hand, the one that wasn't holding Broom. "Son of The Mother, son of The Father."
 "The danger to thyself is as grave as the danger to Tim. You must make the choice."
 "I choose the danger" I stated, then muttered "Hell of a time to ask..."
 "OK. Pop yourselves down over here on these li-los and I'll see what I can do." Tim and I laid down either side of T'Bird. "Well, take your tops off, then!" she commanded. "I need skin to skin contact for this to work."
 I removed my top, glad that the SubCs had bullied me into continuing with my morning swims and not letting myself go. Tim on the other hand looked horrified. T'Bird noticed his reticence at derobing.
 "Don't worry" she said to him, "I don't need you and IDV to be in direct contact" she didn't see my look of disappointment as she spoke to Tim, "I'll be the conduit."
 Tim breathed a sigh of relief then pulled his top off, luckily not hearing my and T'Bird's gasps of awe as his top rustled past his ears. T'Bird winked at me as we both ogled his six-pack and impressive chest. My hand tightened around Broom's thick shaft.
 "Right then" she said. "Let's do it!" And with that she closed her eyes and began the spell to remove Tim's vicarious spirit from me and Broom and instill it within his virtuous, totally hot, body.

 Hours later, after much ogling and feeling up by T'Bird, the ceremony was complete. As was Tim. I, however, felt somewhat empty and staggered a little as we made to join the others at the now cold barbecues. Tim reached out to steady me, a questioning look on his face.
 "Are you OK? Do you know who I am?"
 "Tim" I said. "Your name is Tim."

 "...and the Adventure continues in Cusp Trek IV: Le Voyeur Homo..." 

 Oh, and click here for deleted scenes.

 P.S. This is my 600th post!


  1. I miss T-Bird ... and her little Pee Cat, too!

  2. If you want to join the Coven, you'll have to have more than a passing knowledge of Star Trek, you know.

    Say what?!

    In my defence, I once blogged about William Shatner’s butt.

    Surely that must count for something.

    Oh Hai XL!

    I miss T-Bird too.

  3. Prepare to be boarded, Tim.


  4. There certainly seems to be a lot of grimacing and eye-rolling coming from the Beast/Petra camp.

    Do they ever actually DO anything?

  5. Oh, this was just WONDERFUL.

    *does wry, Shatnerian smile*

    Congrats on the 600th post - what took you so long?

  6. xl: Me too. I'm sure she'll pop back now and again - If only to make guest appearances?

    MJ: Hmmm... I'll have to board- sorry, I mean consult Tim to see how far William Shatner's butt will get you.

    As for Beast & 'Petra, well, 'Petra does keep a clean loo as you've already pointed out, but Beast? There must be a reason that Mr C shouts at him all the time...

    William Shatn- Oops! Tim: Why, thank you.

    It took so long because I was waiting for the right moment to post it. Plus, it needed a lot of revisionary work. And finishing.

  7. I didn't mean the post itself, I meant getting to 600. ALMOST FIVE YEARS!?

  8. I'm Chekov? Purrrrlease!

    Anyway great story! Can't wait to be part of the important action packed part of the adventure. Preferably in a pair of Louboutin heels.

  9. Congratulations on your sixhunredth posting...

    I think your adventure is delightful fun...
    You had me laughing out aloud at this end for most of it...

    I must say that I am a little dissapointed that you came... all this way downunder an haven't swung by the palais....what am i a klingon?

  10. Tim: Oh, that. I'm just very lazy, that's all.

    'Petra: I'm not sure that Chekov wore heels. Louboutin or otherwise.

    Thank you, Princess dear.

    As for not swinging by, well, in the story we have yet to leave Australia, so who knows what may happen or who we may bump into in the next part?

  11. And you call yourself a Star Trek fanboy... Not knowing if Chekov wore heels.. Tsk tsk!

    Great story and congrats on the 600th!

  12. I loved my various positions under Tim, uh I mean Capt. Kirk

  13. Note that I have also done two Star Trek hair posts over at The Hair Hall of Fame.

  14. If CyberPete and I make it into the Coven, that will be THREE Coven members who've worn The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts.

    Oh, speaking of TFGEF, where ARE they, Petra?

  15. Yes, 'Petra, have you lost them? I hope not. I truly hope that they will VERY SOON be winging their way across the Atlantic to Donn. Not that there whereabouts will have any effect on whether or not you get into The Coven. None whatsoever...

  16. I'm sure I wrote 'their whereabouts' and not 'there whereabouts' - Bloody spellchecker!

  17. You sure about that? They will quite possibly be on their way next week. Am putting the finishing touches on the contents of the package.

  18. Another great adventure, IDV!

    Congratulations on 600!

  19. My congratulations to your 600th post!
    I am sorry to confess that I have no idea about Raumschiff Entenscheiß, scott me up beamy and all this.

  20. 'Petra: Excellent! I'm just as sure those 'Shorts will have been posted to Donn next week, and certainly before 9th October, too.

    Eros: Thank you!

    Mago: And thank you too.

    No, I have no idea who this Herr Entenscheiß is either?

  21. Dear Mr DeVice...

    Just popped over to Enquire as to the progress of new applicants to your coveted coven.
    I have posted a progress update at "The Palais"

  22. So creative! I must catch up on my blog reading, although not on the bog as I can't believe it caused me to be late.


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