Sunday, 22 March 2020

Dangerous Crustations

 A suspicious looking package arrived for me yesterday.  It wasn't delivered by my hot, surly postman either.  Rather, it must have been delivered to my doorstep at some point during the night, as it was loitering (possibly with intent) near my globe topiaried potted box (Buxus) when I opened the door first thing in the morning.
 Rectangular, and wrapped (somewhat sloppily, it has to be said) in brown paper, the package was unadorned with postage stamps, a name or address.  Instead, in thin black ink scratched across the lower right corner was inscribed: "To, The Witch".  There were no other markings except for a couple of greasy finger and thumb prints, one of which had a rime of some yellowing creamy substance (I'm hoping it was only cream) edged with a dark red - almost black - sticky material (some sort of jam, maybe?).
 Anyway, I reluctantly brought it inside and put it with three unopened envelopes, assuming it too was intended to be opened on Sunday.

 This morning dawned, like many, many others before it and, after a cup of coffee and a jelly baby or twelve, I opened the package.  These are the items that were inside:


Delilah Smythe's Dangerous Crustations (Dangerous Liaisons vs Beetlejuice) prawn cocktail

Japanese import of Delilah Smythe's TV Dinners (Fatal Attraction)

Delilah Smythe's Black Forest Gateaux (Blade Runner)
This had a big yellow sticker on it stating "For Solicitation Only - Cover Not Final!" - I peeled it off.
 Three Delilah Smythe books!  A spectacularly illegal copy of her autobiography-cum-recipe book, "Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Boiling" (known as "TV Dinners" in most markets) sandwiched between her recent prequel "Dangerous Crustations", and what appeared to be a forthcoming sequel with a Black Forest gateau theme (with a very familiar looking cake on the cover)!

 Who would do such a thing?  Who would send me copies of that spiteful, plagiarising, foul-mouthed cow's contemptible books??   I have to find out.

 But not now as A Write Panic has begun and I need to think up a continuing story!

22 comments:

  1. SWEET MARY SUNSHINE!! you do get the most fascinating mail, but forget about that for now! Write your continuing story for A Write panic!! Thanks for reminding me to go over and read! xoxo

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    1. I shall write something very soon - well, before the week's out, I hope (as I'm on holiday from work and should have plenty of time once the garden's done and I've finished my pixmit cards). And thanks for the encouragement ;)

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  2. I didn't send it...I swear.

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    1. It's OK, I believe you - I had the creamy substance checked and it did, in fact, turn out to just be cream.

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  3. Ah, yes - a surfeit of Delelah Smythe's gastronomic evil! Hope you "de-virused" the whole package with a good squirt of Dettol... Jx

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    1. They're still marinating in Dettol as I type!

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  4. Typical of that moo to make out a photo-shopped roly-poly is a classic gateaux! I should sue her if I were you.(It does look rather yummy though...0

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    1. Delilah's been sued so many times that she's now immune!

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  5. in thin black ink Well I hope you don't think it was me!!! I only use the very best black ink!!
    I am liking the gateaux too....
    Anyhow, yes, A Write Panic has launched!!! And we're off!!!
    Sx

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    1. Never once did it cross my mind that the package was from you, Ms Scarlet - there wasn't a curlicue or flourish in sight! (And it really was VERY cheap ink)

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  6. Time flies.

    All the best IDV.

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    1. Far too quickly, Mago, but it must mean that we are having fun!

      And, thank you!

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  7. Forgive me for letting your birthday go by. There are baked goods, over at mine.

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    1. No forgiveness necessary, Very Mistress. I am no longer celebrating being 37 and a bit (more)... ;)

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    2. OMG. I am such a crap friend. After you wrote me a glorious birthday post I totally forget yours.
      Tut. I feel like I should be sent to the tartan room in the Infomaniac Manor for at least 3 weeks, isolated, with nothing to do other than gaze at the tartan. Apologies.
      SXXX

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    3. Don't worry, Ms Scarlet. If it helps, all but four of my friends are also crap. It's not as if anything else is going on in the world which could take up all their thoughts, is it.

      Is it?

      Oh, and no need to spend 3 weeks in the Tartan Room - 2 will be sufficient. And then another 2 in the Polka DOt Room! Mwah hah hah hah haaaa!

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  8. Happy belated birthday. I have suggestions for revenge if you don't mind giving me Delilah's details?

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    1. I would if I could. Delilah is a slippery bitch - I thought she was still in the future after that Blue Food fiasco, but it seems she's made her way back to the 21st century.
      I wonder if she's lurking in her old, secret island lair?

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  9. YAY!!!! Happy Birthday!!!!!
    SXXXXXXX

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    Replies
    1. Thank you!

      I still haven't come up with a continuing story for Iris, Douglas and Annie, though...

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  10. Yikes! Was it yesterday or is it today? Happy Birthday no matter when it was, sugarpie! You're the best! xoxoxoxo

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Tickle my fancy, why don't you?