Devour her heart

 Ug. There's so much racket that I can barely hear myself think, nevermind come up with something worth posting.

 Claudine!  Claudine!

Just out of grasp

Warlock's new clothes by Emperor Chic
Body by Mac Robinson

 Oof! Sorry I'm late. I've been trying to excuse myselves from ageing another year, to no avail, sadly. Someone said that one is only as old as the man one feels, but Broom couldn't catch up to the hoe-riding studly young warlock from the next village, so I'm stuck with feeling my actual age.

 Bah!

Babyzilla says: Hands off! This lot is mine!

 Still, it's not been so bad. At least there was an excuse to eat cake! And plenty of it - along with a sumptuous afternoon tea at Lily's Tearoom. The Ladies of Lily's outdid themselves once again; providing delightful delectables for the whole family, enough even to satiate Babyzilla!

 Plus, there were no nymphs in sight. That Banish really works wonders!

 

Join my united Zoid army or DIE!*

 Well, here we are again with another update on books read so far this year. As usual, you don't have to take much heed, as this is just a memory aid for when I do the Coven Awards at the end of the year.

 Right. On with the show, then!
 

11. First Frontier (Star Trek), by Diane Carey and Dr. James I. Kirkland

 Star Trek and dinosaurs! What could be better?

 Actually, this novel could be better. While the composite parts of it are entertaining/intriguing/wondrous/slash-fic (urgh, thanks, Diane), they don't come together to create  a coherent sum. All-in-all, a surprisingly scientific (I imagine thanks must go to Dr Kirkland for that), but light & fluffy read.
 

If this is a fairy story,
it's akin to one of the
original Grimm tales

12. Animal Farm, by George Orwell

 I found this a bookcase at The Parents' and managed to nab it before Indescribable got her paws on it. I'd heard of it, naturally, but only had the vaguest idea of what it was about (I don't recall seeing the animated film when I was younger, although there's a good chance I might have done). Suffice it to say, that I was bitterly disappointed that there wasn't a happy ending, despite being aware of George's other works (I'm looking at you, 1984). If this was a TV show, I'd've been shouting at the screen before giving up and changing the channel to something more light-hearted. Friends, for example. What a horrible - but well written and observed - book.

13. The Mysterious Maid Servant, by Barbara Cartland

 This was an amusing gift from the late SP that I had forgotten about until I found it while clearing out some drawers. I'd never read anything by Dame Barbara before, so I thought I'd give it a try.
 While hardly Pulitzer worthy, it's not quite as bad as the novels of Dame Sally Markham...

 

14. Beam Me Up, Scotty, by James Doohan (with Peter David)

 Yes, this is Doohan's autobiography, and no, it's not a Star Trek novel. Although, a small part of it is Star Trek-related, obviously.
 In fact, the Star Trek part is probably the least interesting. Doohan doesn't go into any great depth or detail about his time with Star Trek, probably because it's all been said before by other authors and biographers. Instead, we are treated to Doohan's early family life; his experiences in England during World War II (in particular his part in the D-Day landing at Normandy); his first forays into acting; being typecast as Scotty; his friendship with Gene Roddenberry and Leslie Nielsen (amongst others); and his three marriages. 
 This is not a tell-all type biography, rather it is like a general overview of his life. A bit like an appetiser, I suppose? But there's no main course to follow, which is a shame, as the life of James Doohan seems to have been anything but dull!

15. The Woman Who Died A Lot, by Jasper Fforde

 The seventh novel in the Thursday Next series, and the first one I actually read. I totally judged this book by its cover which is why I bought it at the end of 2013 (along with The Long Earth, by Terry Pratchett & Stephen Baxter). It was the first book I read in 2014, and I've just finished reading it again having read the first six books in the series throughout 2014 and 2015. It makes more sense now I have knowledge of what had happened before and it is still my favourite in the series.

16. Zoids Annual, published by Marvel/Grandreams

 Having spent an hour or so caught up in the Zoids wiki with no recollection of how I go there, I remembered that I have a box of Zoids in the loft which includes the Zoids Annual. Before procrastination or forgetfulness could kick in, I was up the ladder into the roof-space trying to find the box that contained my Zoids amongst the boxes that contained a myriad of other items (Transformers, books, Christmas decorations, old school work, tea sets etc).
 Once found, it was a quick read having only 62 pages, but the stories and artwork hold up surprisingly well. There's even one of those multiple-choice story-game things where you progress through the story depending upon the roll of a die. I rolled a 1 to begin which meant I played the game as Gore. Despite being one of the most powerful Blue Zoids and destroying a Hellrunner, a Red Zark, and a Z-Ray, I came a cropper after rolling a 3 and getting blown up by two more Z-Rays. Bummer.

* Post title from page 31.

 

Why do birds suddenly appear?

 No, really. Why do they?

 I only popped out to get the washing in and got divebombed by a flock of starlings. It's a good job I wasn't wearing my Tippi Hedren wig otherwise I'd've been combing feathers and claws out of it for weeks!
 If he wasn't on holiday, I'd put this down to Beaky.

 Still, at least the flock wasn't the size of this murmuration:

UFO?

 How embarassing. I've just discovered that I've been mistaken for a UFO!

~ ~ ~

 I was flying back from Svaathor's last night - he'd invited me 'round to look over his latest research into the family tree and to sample his newest muffin recipe - and, feeling peckish, decided to partake of one of the oat & apple muffins he'd packed up for me. I should have known better than to even attempt to open a tightly sealed Tupperware container while flying. Especially after previous attempts didn't go that well...

 Having extricated a torch from a pocket in my flightsuit, I had set about rummaging in my bag for the Tupperware encased muffins. Once found, I settled the container on my lap and set about opening it.

 Now, I don't know how many of you have attempted to open a Tupperware container while perched on a broom hurtling over the countryside in the middle of the night, but it's not easy. After struggling to do it one-handed while holding the torch in my other hand, I popped the torch in my mouth and set to the box with both hands. 

 And what a disaster that turned out to be.

 I yanked the lid off, but accidently knocked the torch out of my mouth with it, and watched in mild annoyance as the torch plummeted to earth turning end over end, the beam pirouetting like an out of control lighthouse. Needing some sort of illumination to ensure that nothing else had fallen overboard, I contemplated a spell to provide light but could only think of Hesprat's Incomparable Conflagration Hex. Quickly rejecting it as overkill, and being unable to think of any less explosive spell, the only remaining option was to charge the thaumic field surrounding Broom. So I rummaged once more in my bag, eventually finding Wand at the bottom, a bit sticky and covered in dust, crumbs and a couple of Fox's Glacier Fruits wrappers. Shaking off the detritus, I held Wand out until the tip came into contact with Broom's thaumic field causing a muted glow to surround us.

 Of course, that was the ideal time to hit some turbulence.

 As Broom pitched and yawed uncontrollably, the thaumic field's glow sputtered before finally giving out and plunging us into darkness once more. However, by this time I could see the lights of Cromer spread out a mile or so away, so I gave up on the notion of in-flight sustenence and directed Broom home to Castlette DeVice.

~ ~ ~

 So, this morning as I went outside to feed the birds, Inexcuseable was leaning over the fence talking to her sister-in-law's husband (they live next door). Anyway, he was telling her about the UFO he spotted approaching Cromer as he was driving back from Norwich last night. I just smiled in greeting and hurriedly went back indoors.

   

Goldfing-longerer

Continued from...  Glitter is Forever

 Goldfing-longerer, Gay Day and the Crimson Pussy had just entered the rear of the foyer from the patio doors when the ornate front door and its majestic marble surround exploded inward. When the dust had settled, an old and battered wedge-shaped car could be made out amongst the rubble. With some difficulty - and much bickering, by the sound of it - the car doors opened to disgorge the passengers.

Moneyprinny's Austin Princess

 "Look what you've done to my front door!" Goldfing-longerer shrieked, waving his gold fing-longer around willy-nilly. Gay Day ducked as the bannister, a display table and a Plastic "no-tackle" Tim were all turned to gold after taking glancing blows.
 "Calm down, GFL" Crimson Pussy soothed.
 A pile of plasterboard, marble chippings and flock wallpaper near the gaping hole at the front of the house collapsed to reveal Goldfing-longerer's long-suffering manservant and henchman. Spodjob picked up his bowler hat and dusted it off before placing it carefully on his head. Then he narrowed his eyes at the car and its passengers and sighed.
 "Jane Bond, sir" he announced, turning to Goldfing-longerer. "Fräulein Moneyprinny, X, und Herrin Mastercard." 
 "What did he say?" Gay Day asked. "I can't understand a word that comes out of his mouth. I don't know why you keep him on."
 "Oh, hush, Gay Day."
 "'Ere, what 'appened to your Austin Mistress?" the Crimson Pussy asked, her voice carrying across to the gathered MJ6 agents.
 "Ah, yes, well" X began. "The glovebox's vodka fountain ran dry after a couple of miles, so we took Moneyprinny's Austin Princess instead."
 "What are we standing around for?" Maddie Mastercard yelled. "Get them!"
 "Maddie, no!" Bond commanded, but it was to no avail. Maddie Mastercard, caught up in the need for vengeance after her brother had been turned to gold or possibly because she wanted to be turned into gold herself, took off across the foyer towards the villains.
 "Leave this to me" Crimson Pussy purred as she moved towards the control panel under the grand staircase.
 Mastercard looked the Crimson Pussy up and down, sneering at the faux fur draped around her shoulders. "Where did you fly in from? Luton airport?"
 "'Ere, there's nuffink wrong wiv Luton airport!"

Pit of Crocs

 Maddie Mastercard only managed to get half way across the foyer before the floor opened up beneath her. She screamed in terror as she plummeted through the trapdoor. 
 Bond peered into the pit, steeling herself to see Mastercard being ripped apart by sharks, tigers or some other hideous Beast, but what greeted her caused her to recoil in horror. "You monster!" 
Maddie Mastercard had met a practical and comfortable doom by being dumped unceremoniously in a pit of Crocs.

 To one side of the pit, Gay Day advanced on Bond's group, flinging handful after handful of razor-edged sequins at them. Moneyprinny caught every single one of the airborne sequins, expertly spearing them with the needle and thread she held in each hand. By the time the now sequinless villain had reached her, Moneyprinny was armed with ribbons of glittering sequins. She used them to bind up the flabbergasted Gay Day until the stunned villain looked like a giant sparkling chrysalis. Gay Day screeched with rage and called upon her legion of Glitterboys.
 "Oh, give it a rest" Moneyprinny said turning her gaze back from the slightly ajar door to the cupboard under the stairs. "I think your Glitterboys are otherwise engaged."



 Bond and Goldfing-longerer rolled their eyes and retired to the veranda leaving their various henchpersons and hangers-on squabbling amongst themselves. 

Eye-rolling courtesy of George Clooney

 "So. Who have we got left?"
 "Moneyprinny, Crimson Pussy and X, I think"  Bond said.
 "What happened to Spodjob?"
 "Oh, I think he fell into the Croc pit while reading some technical stuff that X gave him. Sorry."
 "I suppose we'd better intervene before there's no one left to top up our drinks" Goldfing-longerer sighed. "Another Jamesontini?"
 "Shaken this time, GFL. I don't want it stirred by your fing-longer!"

The End

Starring

Jane Bond ~ MJ

Goldfing-longerer ~ IDV

Crimson Pussy ~ Ms Scarlet

Miss Moneyprinny ~ Princess

X ~ XL

Maddie Mastercard ~ Mistress Maddie

Gay Day ~ 'Petra

Featuring

Spodjob ~ Mago

N ~ Norma

The various Plastic "no-tackle" Tims ~ Tim

Special Appearance by

"Mr 'Swings" Mastercard ~ Eroswings

The Stepford Houseboys

 I'll get to posting our adventures in Goldfing-longerer soon, but I'm currently lost in a good book...