Thursday, 5 March 2015


Continued from...  Glitter is Forever

 Goldfing-longerer, Gay Day and the Crimson Pussy had just entered the rear of the foyer from the patio doors when the ornate front door and its majestic marble surround exploded inward. When the dust had settled, an old and battered wedge-shaped car could be made out amongst the rubble. With some difficulty - and much bickering, by the sound of it - the car doors opened to disgorge the passengers.
Moneyprinny's Austin Princess
 "Look what you've done to my front door!" Goldfing-longerer shrieked, waving his gold fing-longer around willy-nilly. Gay Day ducked as the bannister, a display table and a Plastic "no-tackle" Tim were all turned to gold after taking glancing blows.
 "Calm down, GFL" Crimson Pussy soothed.
 A pile of plasterboard, marble chippings and flock wallpaper near the gaping hole at the front of the house collapsed to reveal Goldfing-longerer's long-suffering manservant and henchman. Spodjob picked up his bowler hat and dusted it off before placing it carefully on his head. Then he narrowed his eyes at the car and its passengers and sighed.
 "Jane Bond, sir" he announced, turning to Goldfing-longerer. "Fräulein Moneyprinny, X, und Herrin Mastercard." 
 "What did he say?" Gay Day asked. "I can't understand a word that comes out of his mouth. I don't know why you keep him on."
 "Oh, hush, Gay Day."
 "'Ere, what 'appened to your Austin Mistress?" the Crimson Pussy asked, her voice carrying across to the gathered MJ6 agents.
 "Ah, yes, well" X began. "The glovebox's vodka fountain ran dry after a couple of miles, so we took Moneyprinny's Austin Princess instead."
 "What are we standing around for?" Maddie Mastercard yelled. "Get them!"
 "Maddie, no!" Bond commanded, but it was to no avail. Maddie Mastercard, caught up in the need for vengeance after her brother had been turned to gold or possibly because she wanted to be turned into gold herself, took off across the foyer towards the villains.
 "Leave this to me" Crimson Pussy purred as she moved towards the control panel under the grand staircase.
 Mastercard looked the Crimson Pussy up and down, sneering at the faux fur draped around her shoulders. "Where did you fly in from? Luton airport?"
 "'Ere, there's nuffink wrong wiv Luton airport!"
Pit of Crocs
 Maddie Mastercard only managed to get half way across the foyer before the floor opened up beneath her. She screamed in terror as she plummeted through the trapdoor. 
 Bond peered into the pit, steeling herself to see Mastercard being ripped apart by sharks, tigers or some other hideous Beast, but what greeted her caused her to recoil in horror. "You monster!" 
Maddie Mastercard had met a practical and comfortable doom by being dumped unceremoniously in a pit of Crocs.

 To one side of the pit, Gay Day advanced on Bond's group, flinging handful after handful of razor-edged sequins at them. Moneyprinny caught every single one of the airborne sequins, expertly spearing them with the needle and thread she held in each hand. By the time the now sequinless villain had reached her, Moneyprinny was armed with ribbons of glittering sequins. She used them to bind up the flabbergasted Gay Day until the stunned villain looked like a giant sparkling chrysalis. Gay Day screeched with rage and called upon her legion of Glitterboys.
 "Oh, give it a rest" Moneyprinny said turning her gaze back from the slightly ajar door to the cupboard under the stairs. "I think your Glitterboys are otherwise engaged."

 Bond and Goldfing-longerer rolled their eyes and retired to the veranda leaving their various henchpersons and hangers-on squabbling amongst themselves. 
Eye-rolling courtesy of George Clooney
 "So. Who have we got left?"
 "Moneyprinny, Crimson Pussy and X, I think"  Bond said.
 "What happened to Spodjob?"
 "Oh, I think he fell into the Croc pit while reading some technical stuff that X gave him. Sorry."
 "I suppose we'd better intervene before there's no one left to top up our drinks" Goldfing-longerer sighed. "Another Jamesontini?"
 "Shaken this time, GFL. I don't want it stirred by your fing-longer!"

The End

Jane Bond ~ MJ
Goldfing-longerer ~ IDV
Crimson Pussy ~ Ms Scarlet
Miss Moneyprinny ~ Princess
X ~ XL
Maddie Mastercard ~ Mistress Maddie
Gay Day ~ 'Petra

Spodjob ~ Mago
N ~ Norma
The various Plastic "no-tackle" Tims ~ Tim

Special Appearance by
"Mr 'Swings" Mastercard ~ Eroswings


  1. If anyone is looking for me darling Now that Gay Day's a little Tied up"... I'll be in the closet under the stairs with all those glitteboys... they look like they could all do with a good Moneyprinny tongue lashing...

  2. Just remember to drink plenty of fluids between tonguelashings Princess. After all, you wouldn't want to choke on a glitterball.

    Would you?

  3. Oh dear. To end up in a pit of cocks. I can think of worse things. Oh wait it did.....a pit full of crocs! Even melting....what have you done to me............

  4. The Pit of Crocs: truly diabolical! And likely a surefire nomination to The Super-villains Hall of Fame!

  5. Used Crocs, at that!
    I survived! To swig another vodka fountain... or Campari.

  6. Quick, Maddie! Have a rejuvenating dip in the Glitterboy pit (aka pit of cocks). Well, once Princess has finished in there, that is.

    LX: I always knew there was a mean streak within Ms Scarlet.

    Ms Scarlet: Oh, yes, the Campari fountain. Or, perhaps, the Campari Cascade...? I'll have the Plastic "no tackle" Tims fit one to your flying saucer before our next outing.

  7. Anonymous8/3/15 12:29

    I really wonder how I'd look with a Bowler hat.
    Round perhaps.

  8. Round? You or the hat, Mago?


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