Tuesday, November 29, 2005

How to keep warm

I was walking - yes walking, using my own legs - to work this morning, on the verge of freezing solid when I had a fabulous idea. Why not engulf myself in the Fires of Hell to keep warm? Everyone knows that witches and gays are going straight to Hell so why not start now and get used to it?

So I did.

I opened a portal, knowing that most humans wouldn't see the flames - well, they only see what they can comprehend, luckily - and basked in Hell's warming glow as I perambulated into the city (I've always wanted to use that word:perambulated). Having been there a couple of times, I knew where in Hell the best flames could be found.

I did get an odd look from one of the Demons that works in Norwich Union, who was walking on the other side of the street, but I ignored it - it was only jealous that I'd thought of the idea first.

- pzzt . . . szszppt . . . susuzpptszz . . . pzz ... -

Oh.

I've just been told that gays can't open portals - zzst . . . psszzt! - Sorry. Gays can't open Hell portals. It seems other types of "portals" are perfectly accessible to the average gay... Well, for any that are interested: next time I'm in the Castle (the pub, not the big building that overlooks the city) I'll be doing a demonstration on how to open your very own gateway to Hell so you too can keep warm in these cold, dark times.

And, I'm still seeing things that are really there (see last post) - it's really off putting. I shall be having words...

7 comments:

  1. Bizarre.

    So gays can't open Hell portals.
    Hmm.
    That'll explain it then........

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  2. > Gays can't open Hell portals.

    Are you sure? I distinctly recall opening the door to something called 'Kwik-Save' the other day. That certainly looked like the inner circle of Satan from where I stood in horror...

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  3. FT & Lee: I stand corrected. I'm just glad that I haven't been close enough to see Satan's "inner circle". Is there something you're not telling us, Lee?

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  4. >>I'll be doing a demonstration on how to open your very own gateway to Hell so you too can keep warm in these cold, dark times.

    i hear what you're saying, ID

    *tips complicit, seedy wink*

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  5. >I'll be doing a demonstration on how to open your very own gateway to Hell<

    Will you be touring?

    Please?

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  6. I could be persuaded, Imogen. I could be. Afterall, the broom's had it's service. Just needed a few bristles replaced. It's more than up to the task of flitting around the country now. Although it's still quite cold out...

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  7. What I should have explained was that it's very difficult to keep a Hell Portal open while steering a broom across the country. The last time I tried it was a disaster: I lost concentration and the Portal earthed itself in a mobile phone mast as I passed overhead. Sorry for any *disturbing* calls or texts...

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