Thursday, 10 November 2005


Now, just because I'm a witch doesn't mean I'm fictional and therefore invisible.

Take this morning, for instance. I went swimming as I am inclined to do twice a week. Not naked in some lake on the heath. And certainly not under a full moon. I'm a witch, not a bloody stupid fool! There's a reason why people catch hypothermia.

Anyway, back to this morning. There I was swimming up and down the local pool, large as life and twice as ugly - well, I've got a coldsore - perfectly happy. Two people get in and start to barge their way through the water as if they had a personal grudge against it, heading directly for me. I couldn't get out of the way because I was already at the side of the pool. Not that I would have, of course. I don't give way to anyone unless I can possibly help it. At the last moment, they realised there was something other than water in their way. Me!

I was obviously invisible from the time they got in to the moment they saw my stern visage two inches from their noses. Luckily for them they diverted course... Then, as I was adjusting my goggles in the shallow end, I saw this silly old bint (who's a regular) get in. I knew from past experience that she liked to swim along the side as I was doing. However, I thought that, as I was already there and the two idiots previously mentioned were right next to me, she would swim in the middle of the pool where there was plenty of room. But no. I had obviously become invisible again. How tiresome...

In fact, my invisbility was so perfect that as I was about to push off to start another length, the daft old bat waded right in front of me and began swimming incredibly slowly down the pool. She was lucky I restrained myself or I would have smashed right in to her bony old carcass. By this time I'd had just about enough so I pushed off violently, submerging head first, my legs breaking the surface like a whale's fluke before smashing down in to the water right next to her mouldy, wrinkled face. I knew she didn't like to be splashed but could only imagine the look on her face - like a puckered up cat's bum - as I glided serenely away underwater.

And then, this afternoon, as I was walking home, I managed to become invisible yet again. I racked my brain trying to think when I'd deliberately cast such a spell but couldn't recall an instance recently. I was forced to swerve several times to avoid common people. They just kept coming at me. I stood my ground for as long as I dared but when it became obvious that they hadn't seen me, I had to move lest they came in physical contact. Shudder! If I wanted that I'd go to Next during the sales.

Rant over.

I was going to let you know what my naked passenger told me, but had to get this off my chest first. I've already gone on far too long so will tell you another time.


  1. i once had a mexican standoff with a little old lady in town on a busy saturday. we ended up standing face to face glaring at each other. in the end she muttered something rude under her breath and walked round me.

    i maturely celebrated with a whoop of "yes!! i so rule!!!" before calmly contuining on my way.....

    there. that was an interesting story, wasn't it?

  2. i so can't spell continuing...


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