Thursday 21 August 2014

One of our flying saucers is missing

...Kind of a prequel to Flying Saucery

 Oh, no, thought Beast. Not again. 
 The hapless clod buffoon skivvy looked around himself in momentary confusion, then everything began to fall into its irritating and inconvenient place. He was over The Cusp again.

 Or, was he? This plane of existence looked remarkably tame. Normal, even. Grass, trees, a few bemused-looking cows, and an anonymous barn or hangar-like building slap bang in the middle of the field of cowpats he found himself kneeling in. Could it be that he hadn't got caught up in one of IDV's inane jaunts over The Cusp after all? That other world that seemed to come into existence only via the mad witch's various personalities? Oh, he had no doubt that the place over The Cusp was real, it's just that he wished it wasn't. Nothing ever went smoothly over there.  
Just one of many...
 To be fair, he thought, nothing seemed to go smoothly in the real world, either. At least I don't have to deal with the increasingly demanding Mr C over The Cusp. Well, there was that one time, but it appeared to have been a one-off...
 Shaking his head in resignation, Beast picked up his recipe book, lumbered to his feet and set off for the hangar, almost avoiding many a cowpat on the way.

~ ~ ~

"Beast? Open this door!" Ms Scarlet shouted. "We know you're in there."
"Oh, for heavens sakes. We could wait an eternity for Beast to bumble around and get the blasted thing open" MJ snapped. "You've got your wand, haven't you IVD? Just magic it open."
"Well, I would" I said, searching my man-bag. "I can't seem to find it at the mo- Oh, wait. Here it is" I said holding the wand aloft and almost dropping it. "Blast!"

"Uh, oh" I muttered amidst a light sprinkling of splinters and shredded metal remains of door furniture.
 "I didn't mean for you to blow the bloody doors off" MJ said with more than a hint of exasperation in her voice. Ms Scarlet just sniggered behind her hands which were still clapped to her mouth, post shock.
 We stepped into the slightly ruined hangar and surveyed the now brilliantly lit interior. It was amazing what the removal of an almost wall-sized door could do for interior lighting. A scuffling sound from one corner caught our attention and we diverted our gaze to see Beast ineptly trying to squeeze himself into - or out of - an old oil drum. Only his (thankfully) clothed legs and arse were visible above the rim. MJ sighed and led the way beneath the two flying saucers that were parked in the hangar. We weaved through the landing legs and came to a stop at the still struggling Beast.
 "Are you trying to get in or out, Mr Beasty?" Ms Scarlet asked with a smirk.
 "Mmmph.  Rrrrrgh" Beast replied. "What do you think?"
 "Let's help him. It's pathetic seeing him like this" I said.
 "I suppose we should put him out of his misery, eh" MJ reluctantly agreed. "But first: Where is it, Beast?"
 "I don't know what you mean?" the upside down Beast mumbled unconvincingly from the bottom of the oil drum, waggling his legs.
 "Sigh... Oh, give it up, Beast" I said. "We know you have it."
 "Have what?"
 "Search his pockets" Ms Scarlet prompted. "It's not like he can stop us in his current predicament."
 "Urgh" I was horrified. "I'm not putting my hands in his pockets. Gods only know what he's squirrelled away in them. Plus, he's covered in cowpat!"
 "Oh, I'll do it" MJ offered with a grimace, and plunged her hands into the drum, working them into the various pockets of his exceedingly worn anorak. From the depths of the drum, Beast alternately giggled and moaned disturbingly.
 Eventually, MJ pulled her hands from the Beast-stuffed barrel and Beast popped out with them. She ignored him as he crumpled to the mucky concrete floor and held a battered looking book up triumphantly. "Success!" she crowed.
 "Check inside. Make sure it's in there."
 "I was getting to that, Scarlet" MJ said through gritted teeth. She flicked through the book, held it by the spine and shook it a few times, then flicked through it again. "It's not here."
 "Where is it, Beast?" I demanded. "Where's the secret formula?" Our three pairs of eyes glared down at the cowering oaf, his own eyes flicked almost imperceptibly towards one of the flying saucers...

~ ~ ~

The Sharknado Gear Hat.
Never leave home without it!
 In the next field over, creeping alongside the bordering hedge, were three camouflaged figures, one of whom was wearing a tinfoil Sharknado Gear Hat. They ducked through a gap in the hawthorn and brambles and approached the hangar from behind.
 "I've never been in one of these stories before" whispered Mago.
 "This is your first one?" LX whispered back.
 "Ja. It is exciting" Mago grinned.
 "The first one normally is" Eroswings drawled as he sidled up to the back wall of the hangar.
 "That'll soon wear off, though" LX added, joining the foil hatted Texan. "They get quite irritating after a while."
 "Shhh!" Eros hissed as he peered through a knot hole in the wooden panelled wall. "They've captured Beast, but" he paused as he strained to hear what the witches were saying, "they haven't got the secret formula. They think he's hidden it in the flying saucer somewhere."
 The other two joined him, finding knot holes of their own. They watched as MJ, Ms Scarlet and IDV led Beast to one of the flying saucers then pushed him up the ramp towards the 'saucer's undercarriage, bickering as they went.
 A minute or two after the witches and Beast had disappeared into the bowels of the ship, the ramp withdrew, various running lights started blinking and the bit underneath that looked like a salad spinner started to rotate.
 "Mein Gott!" Mago exclaimed. "They are abducting him!"
 "I wouldn't have thought any of them could fly something like that?"
 "Oh, I don't know, LX. IDV's a sci-fi buff, he may have an inkling?" Eros conjectured.
 "I hope they don't have any probulators aboard" Mago said. "Poor Beast."
Landing legs. Who knew they were so useful?
 Suddenly, a loud grinding noise silenced the three men. They stared in muted shock as the three landing legs folded up and retracted into the 'saucer causing the whole thing to fall to the ground with an almighty crash.
 "I guess that answers that, then" LX said with a smug smile.

~ ~ ~

 MJ, Ms Scarlet and I stood around the downed flying saucer, having scrambled out of one of the dorsal emergency escape hatches. 
 "I can't believe we crashed before take-off" said Ms Scarlet as she winced at the plethora of scratches on the rim of the 'saucer.
 "I told you I hadn't flown one of these before!" I snapped.
 "Don't get your knickers in a twist, IVD" MJ faux-soothed. "It doesn't look too badly damaged. Most of it is just cosmetic stuff. Let's give it another go, shall we?"
 "I just want to check the port acceleratrix" I grumbled. "I'm sure I heard something snap back there."
 As we all circumnavigated the rim to the port side, we were oblivious to three camouflaged men sneaking up and into the dorsal starboard hatch we'd just vacated. We continued to be oblivious until the ship lit up again.
 "Did you leave the lights on, IVD? We don't want a flat battery on top of everything else."
 I pulled my head out of the acceleratrix compartment to answer MJ. "No. Well, I don't think so?"
 "Well, they're on now."
 "You don't think Beast has escaped from his bonds, do you?" Ms Scarlet worried.
 "Absolutely not!" MJ proclaimed with an evil smile. "I tied those knots extra tight."
 "Something probably got knocked loose in the crash" I conjectured. "We'd better have a look."
 As we rounded the ship, Beast came tumbling out of the starboard hatch, sans tightly knotted bonds, and fell in a heap on the ground. Then the flying saucer rose into the air with an electronic warbling noise, it's various lights blinking and flashing, and the salad spinner bit oscillating wildly.
No. Not this sort of duck.
 "What have you done?!" MJ screeched at the crumpled Beast.
 "It wasn't me" he huffed. 
 "Duck!" Ms Scarlet yelled.
 "Where?" Beast asked looking around the hangar for a mallard or mandarin.
Or this sort.
 "Not the 'a l'orange' sort, the 'get down' variety!" I shouted as Ms Scarlet rugby-tackled him to the ground next to MJ and I. 
 Barely three feet over our heads, the flying saucer slowly made its way out of the barn, gaining a little height as it hovered over the field of cowpats. We watched in consternation as the 'saucer seemed to dither a bit, first feinting to the left, then the right, before shooting straight up in the air by about a hundred feet. Then, slowly, but picking up speed, it headed off over the countryside.

To be continued in... Two of our flying saucers are missing



    *glares at Mr Mags, Mr Lax and Mr Swings, even though they aren't here yet*
    We can't let the the secret formula fall into their hands.... they... er... they will underestimate its true potential and everything will go horribly wrong and bad stuff like that.
    Told you you should have let me fly the saucer.

    *Hi-fives LX and Mago for a mission well executed.

    P.S. Those ducks look beautiful...almost too beautiful to eat...almost. 'A l'orange' is too good to pass up.

  3. It's fun creeping around the edges of the facility with Eros and Herr Mago!

    My head is spinning from the on-going mystery adventure over at Miss Scarlet's and now, this "To be continued..." has me un-stabilized!

    Now I wish I had made a larger tin foil hat!

  4. will there be a spoken word CD?

  5. Ms Scarlet: Yes, well, you can fly it next time.

    Eros: And you'll be pleased to hear that Duck a l'orange comes sans anus.

    LX: Your spinning head reminds me of the flying saucer's ventral salad-spinner thingy. Although, hopefully not for much longer as this should all be wrapped up in the next installment.

    Norma: I'll look into it - It definitely won't be from Infomaniac Publishing, though. Did you have anyone in particular in mind to narrate it?

  6. I am going to start on my tinfoil hat TODAY! just in case, another contest happens...I'm looking forward to the continuation of THIS particular tale, sugar! xoxoxo

  7. Oh, you can be sure there'll be another contest, Savvy - The next time I run out of amusing tales from Over The Cusp! So, probably quite soon.

    I'm glad you're enjoying this one. I'm just putting the finishing touches to Part II, so stick around.


Tickle my fancy, why don't you?