Saturday 20 November 2010

Cusp Trek V: The Final Front Bottom

Or, The Enterprise Coincidence (as I don't think Star Trek V: The Final Frontier can be parodied to make it more ridiculous than it already is)

* ding dong *

* ding dong - ding dong *

"Mmmph. Wassat? Wassgo'non?"

* ding dong * "Evil calling!"

"Um. Avon calling?" came the reply from beyond sleep.
There was a pause then other voices spoke.

"'Evil calling?' You dolt!"
"Hey! Shut up!"
"Well. Honestly..."
Tim grumbled as he got out of bed, slid into his slippers and slumped downstairs to answer the door.
"Yikes!" There before him, beaming from ear to ear, was a certain witch of his acquaintance. Tim quickly grabbed a throw from the back of the sofa and wrapped it around his naked torso. The beaming stopped abruptly.
"Hello Timothy. Here, take that!" and I thrust my package at him.
Tim jumped back but involuntarily reached for the long, hard package.
"Sorry I didn't get this to you for your birthday, but better late than never, hmm?"
"Hmmmph. Never would have been fine" Tim muttered under his breath then wielded the parcel in my face. "What's this then?"
"That? Oh, that's nothing - I just used it for the innuendo." And I grabbed the package back and flung it aside as I swept into the room.
"Oh" Tim said with a hint of disappointment as he shut the door behind me. "So, what did you get me?"
"Nothing." Tim looked disappointed again and a little bit sad, somewhat like a recently scolded puppy. "Yet" I relented, a sucker for that particular look of his. "I'm taking you over the Cusp for a treat."
"Oh" said Tim without a trace of excitement or enthusiasm. "Great. Let me just get changed first." And he plodded off upstairs.
An almost record breaking 27 minutes later, he returned fully dressed and coiffed. I heaved myself off the sofa and handed him the cup of non-rohypnolled coffee I'd made to assist in waking him up.
"Now, mind you don't trip on the way through - We don't want to end up in the Brown Jelly Baby Universe, do we?"
After shuddering in horror, Tim sighed and followed me as I turned in a certain way to leave this universe and-
"Oh, shit."
-tripped over the package I'd thrown aside earlier. Oh, the ignominy.

~ ~ ~

I came to spread-eagled amongst a lot of humming machinery. The top of my head was really very hot and a bright light seemed to be coming from up there too. The door opposite me suddenly burst open to reveal an overly made-up, strangely dressed yet familiar looking male figure with pointy ears and eyebrows. "Tim?!" I almost shrieked. "Oh, thank gods. You've come to rescue me." Tim took one look at me and burst into raucous laughter. "Bwah hah hah hah haa! Look at you. Hah hah ha! You look ridiculous!" "Hmmmph" I was not amused. "Just get me down from here. And you're no picture yourself!"
Captain Timothy "Emo" Kirk
"What?" Disconcerted, Tim took out a communicator/compact and gazed in mild horror at his reflection in the small mirror. "Oh." "Nice eyeshadow, emo." I could barely contain my smug smile. "Wait a minute" Tim blurted out, a smug smile of his own spread across his face. "I know where we are! And I know why you look like that" and he held out his compact so I could see my own reflection.
Cloaking DeVice
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!" I had a cloaking device strapped to my head. And then reality sank in. "We're replaying The Enterprise Incident from TOS?"
"Yes. Yes we are. You must be not just a cloaking device, but 'Cloaking DeVice' and I'm Captain Kirk! I guess I'm to take you back to Starfleet to be reverse engineered."
"Mmmmmmm..." I smiled faintly, losing myself in a fantasy.
"But I have a feeling you'd like that" Tim said to himself as I certainly wasn't listening. "Ahem!"
"What?" I snapped out of my fantasy rather abruptly. "Oh. Yes."


Meanwhile, a few decks up in the Romulan Commander's quarters, a buxom figure materialised amidst the glitter and sparkle of a transporter beam. The woman wore an operations red Starfleet minidress uniform and held a tricorder which she used to scan the room. Her bouffant almost, but not quite, covered her Alien Queen crest - It was MJ!


The sound of rushing water behind her made MJ spin around. A door opened and a female Romulan appeared, pulling down her uniform and straightening her sash. She looked up too late, though.
MJ grabbed each side of the Romulan's face and opened her dripping maw. Little Mouth shot out straight for the Commander's forehead.
"I likes to eat people from other planets" Little Mouth said before plunging into the Romulan's skull.
"Get back up inside me Little Mouth" MJ ordered. "Yuck. What a mess. I'll have to clean this up before I can wear her skin and uniform" and she grabbed the trail of toilet paper that was hanging from the back of the late Commander's knickers and started mopping up the blood and brains.


Back in the engine room, Tim had disentangled me from the humming machinery with a disappointingly minimum* amount of physical contact and flipped his communicator open.
"Kirk to Enterprise."
"Enterprise. Uhura here, Captain" an unfamiliar voice replied. We both looked at each other questioningly.
"It's me, Roses. MJ buggered off somewhere, so I stepped in as Miss Scarlet's still missing."
"Oh. Umm... OK, then." Tim gave me another look. I just rolled my eyes and shrugged. "Can you get us out of here?"
"You'll have to hold on a minute, Captain, Scotty's using the transporters at the moment. I'll call you when he's finished. Uhura, out." And with that she cut the connection.


Romulan Commander MJ
A transporter chime from the main quarters brought MJ out of her the Romulan Commander's dressing room where she'd collapsed in a chair in exhaustion after clearing up after Little Mouth.
"What the- ?"
A figure solidified in the beam.
"Zachary Quinto Spock?!" MJ was almost beside herself with lust. As the beam faded out, MJ's face fell in recognition. "Oh. Leonard Nimoy Spock. Oh, well. You'll do."
She rushed up to the freshly coalesced Spock and flung her arms around him.
"Huh?" Spock was alarmingly cardboardy.
A voice rang out over the comm as both MJ and Carboard Cut-out Spock dematerialised: "Surprise!"


"Enterprise to Captain Kirk."
"Kirk here. Go ahead Uhura."
"We're ready to beam you out now."
"About time. Two to beam out."
"Two?" Roses asked.
"Yeah. I've got the cloaking device." Tim sounded less than thrilled. "Only it's not a cloaking device, it's Cloaking DeVice, A.K.A. IDV."
"Ah. Oh. Stand by."
"Well. You needn't sound so disappointed" I said. "It wasn't my fault we ended up here."
"What?!" Tim was incredulous.
I looked at him blankly for a moment before remembering that, actually, it was my fault. "Oh, yes..."
Luckily the transporter beam caught us at that awkward moment.


Aboard the Enterprise, Tim and I headed to the bridge on a turbolift. The doors opened on to a scene unlike any either of us recognised from Star Trek.
Sulu and Chekov were bickering at their console in front of the viewscreen.
"I told you we'd only get a small part" Beast grumbled to CyberPetra.
"Yeah" moaned 'Petra. "Small part, no action. I knew I shouldn't've bothered coming back to play Chekov again."
A rather odd looking Romulan Commander with ill-fitting skin appeared to be sucking the face off making out with Commander Scott. Or was it Commander Tucker? The fit body and Southern accent certainly indicated it was the latter. Cardboard Cut-out Spock just looked on blankly.
"Ah don't feel comfortable doin' this in front of Spock" Eros mumbled in his Texan drawl, wiping Alien drool from his face.
"Well, he just stood there doing nothing. Besides, he's made of cardboard - What does he care?" MJ retorted letting Little Mouth out for another go.
And Uhura sat in the command chair resting her chin in her hand as she leaned on the arm, also surveying the goings on around her. She acknowledged our presence and the scene with a tremendous roll of her eyes.
"This corralling the crew is hard bloody work" she sighed. "Getting them all to be where they're supposed to be is exhausting. They're like a bunch of shitting kids! I'm not sure if I want to be the Corrallerererer Officer anymore."
"You're not quitting!" Tim burst out. "We've already gone through two Uhuras, I don't think I can cope with getting used to a fourth. You're staying put." Turning to me, he continued "Some belated birthday this has turned out to be."

The End

* One has to wonder if there are any minidads to go with the minimums?


  1. Great story, but I'm practically an extra.

    'Petra doesn't do one line roles.

  2. *hands Pete a glass of Dom*

    There, there love.

    I always wanted big hair, hoop earrings, tall boots and a short, short skirt.

    *rips down no smoking sign, lights up a rollie and props her booted feet up on the railing*

  3. Tim is clearly violating the Coven Footwear Clause.

    Are there new shoes for Tim in that package?

  4. What everyone doesn't know, is that I'm wearing my Bridget's Back Louboutins.

    Sips Dom and catches jealous glances from MJ

    Wv: Mismary

  5. Spock - Leonard Nimoy, is all mine bitches.

    I refuse point blank to have anything to do with Cap'n Kirk, not even as Coven Corallerererer.

  6. Brilliant!! I do loves these!

    And don't worry MJ, I'm rocking new boots now.

  7. But 'Petra, it was a cameo. You were too expensive for a major starring role.

    Roses: And what a short, short skirt it is too! We could practically see your hailing frequencies!

    MJ: Don't worry - I've had words. As evidenced by Tim's new boots.

    And, no. There weren't new shoes in the package. If I gave some to Tim you'd all want some!

    'Petra: Just be careful when you cross your legs. You don't want to rip the flesh from your shins & calfs.

    Just who is this Mis Mary? I don't remember inviting her?

    Roses: How gracious of you to leave Tim Leng Kirk to me.

    And Chris Pine Kirk, too!

    Tim: Thank you.

    It's a bloody good job you do like them - I don't think anyone else would 'get' them the way you do.

  8. Shouldn't I have someone to do the mopping up of blood and brains FOR me?

  9. No MJ the budget was disappointingly low for this one. Didn't you notice that Spock was cardboard and I hardly got a cameo in this production. Just be grateful you got actual screentime.

    At least I get paid unlike you

  10. Golly that Scarlet piniata in the loo took some knocking down. Just as well I had my gnome wacking stick handy... Now what have i missed?
    Oh hi Roses, Petra, that looks nice and refreshing... any left? Silly question...I'll just open another bottle shall I?...

    I'ts been a rolliking tale Mr DeVice and that commander Tucker is quite a dish...I can see why that Romulan Commander with the saggy arse...I mean ill fitting skin would be sucking face with him....
    Oh and Hi Tim...

  11. Oh hai Princess, we finished off that bottle, hang on a sec...

    *presses buttons on console, and out popps a beautifully chilled bottle of Moet*

    Sorry about flashing you earlier. The more tipsy I get, the less I remember the deportment lessons learnt over at the Infomaniac Finishing School.

    *puts booted feet back up on railings, making sure her ankles are crossed as she lights up another ciggy*

    Even Petra got a higher word count than me . I will be complaining to the Infomaniac Talent Agency forthwith

  13. MJ: See 'Petra's response.

    Princess: I'm glad someone managed to get Miss Scarlet down - I feared she'd be stuck up there until the end of time.
    Or at least until Roses' and Petra's copious Champagne cork popping eventually battered her loose.

    * studiously ignores view up extremely short mini-skirt *

    BEAST: Good luck with your complaint. I hear the 'agent' has left for Montreal.

  14. Love it! I bet Tim will be thinking all day about that long hard package you tempted him with.

  15. MISSING!!!!
    I AM HERE!!!
    Apologies for yelling... missing though... goodness, this hurts...


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