Monday, April 28, 2008

... And now you're up to date.


Well, you will be once you read this update:

12th April: My Spinsterhood has been affirmed. How? By my tolerance of cats. And their tolerance of me!
Tragically, little Spikey (of Catlitteracy fame) didn't use his Green Cross Code and was catapulted into the afterlife. Inexcuseable was devastated, naturally. Even I felt the stirrings of emotional wretchedness. Of course, it may have been gas...
Anyway, I visited Inexcuseable and was surprised to find that Popeye - so named because he only has one eye - jumped up on the sofa where I was sitting and demanded attention of the stroking and scratching variety. Before I knew it, I found myself obliging. Most peculiar.
A little while later, Inexcuseable's other black tom, Rodney - with two functional eyes - stalked into the room, seemingly unaware of my presence. Normally, after only the merest glimpse, Roddy would run a mile - He detests men, you see. His previous male owner hadn't been very kind to him, evidently. But he didn't run this time. He glared at me from his position on the floor at the end of the sofa, then jumped up and made his way towards me. Inexcuseable was gobsmacked! His haughtiness dissipating with every step, Roddy eventually sauntered across my legs and sat down beside me allowing himself to be tickled behind the ears and stroked from head to tail.
Apparently, Popeye and Rodney miss Spike, Inexcuseable told me, and that is the only reason for their sudden friendliness. Hmmph! I bet. It's really because they sensed my Spinsterhood. I'm doomed!

19th April: From my bedroom window, I watched in fascinated horror as a hawk swooped down and landed heavily on a blackbird.
Oh no! I mean: Oh good! No more interfering, dictatorial ex-Familiar.
Sadly, it seems Beaky has been watching Star Wars The Phantom Menace and taken a leaf out of Queen Armadillo's book by employing a squadron of looky-likey 'handmaidens' - The devious little stinker. I saw him the next day giving me the evil eye from his perch in The Cherry Tree as I popped out to run some errands.
Ah, well. I suppose it just wouldn't be the same without my arch nemesis around. Besides, if anyone/thing's going to take Beaky out, it should be me!

23rd April: My new Demon Box was delivered to The Parent's house. Actually, it was delivered to their neighbour because The Parents had had the audacity to go out. I mean, for Christ's sake - They shouldn't be having any semblance of a life at their age. They're over 60! It's embarassing.

26th April: The first hot sunny day since that freak mini-summer back in February. I wore a t-shirt while pottering about in the garden and managed to get some freckles! Yay!
I also found a young toad in a bag of compost that had been stuffed under the barbecue. At least I know where to find fresh ingredients now...
Oh, I was also supposed to go out in Cromer in the evening, but the plans were scuppered by copius vomitting (not my own) and late night calls (neither made nor received by myselves), so it's been postponed until this coming Saturday.

27th April - The Day of the Rat: Lounged about in The Parents' new conservatory - Although, it's almost big enough to be classed as an orangery! However, my lounging didn't go unnoticed by The Father and he soon had me dirtying up my hands and clothes by filling plastic sacks with compost, then lugging them across the garden to the car so The Mother could take them up to her allotment.
It was only after I was covered in compost that The Father showed me the huge rat he'd caught in another compost heap. It's head smushed by the sprung steel trap. Eww! Half the compost I was covered in was probably rat faeces!
After I got home and unloaded the new Demon Box from Car - Who managed to average 51.2 miles per gallon on the 25 mile trip back from The Parents, no less - I popped out into the garden to make the most of what little sun remained before attempting to assemble the infernal Demon Box. I was about to step off the paysho onto the lawn when I noticed a monstrous rat - How I didn't release a Ned "Purple Drapes" Flanders* scream I don't know?
The gigantic creature was half crouched in the middle of the lawn and hadn't seemed to have noticed me looming over it. After staring in horror at it for what seemed like an eternity, I realised it was almost dead, either from poison or an unseen injury. I managed to gather my wits together and drop a big plastic box (usually used to put stuff for recycling in) over it and weigh it down with bricks. With my sphincter tightly clenched and my toes curled, I managed to hobble back into the house wringing my hands and hoping that it would be dead by morning.

Today: Which it was. Quite how I managed not to have nightmares of lifting the box and the rat leaping out at my face, I don't know. Anyway, this morning, I gingerly lifted the box to discover a rat corpse. After more sphincter tightening and toe curling, I wrapped the stiff corpse in a bin bag and dumped it unceremoniously into the wheelie bin (which is being emptied tomorrow morning, thank goodness).
Oh, and I (with the help of a VERY patient young woman called Yashika from the Virgin Media helpline) finally managed to get the Demon Box connected to the internet. What a bloody palaver that was. Still at least it's done now.

Ooh look! I'm on the internet at home!


And now you're really up to date.

I'm not used to this blogging lark now. I'm exhausted! I think I'll make a few quick rounds before retiring to bedfordshire and contemplating the next post (hopefully with pictures from my new camera).

Oh, and I would also like to thank you all for sticking around during my rather sporadic, and somewhat over-dramatised, posting.



* It should've been a Ned "The Murderer" Flanders scream but I think "Purple Drapes" is better known.

21 comments:

  1. I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm thrilled that you're back.

    And good to hear you've developed a relationship with pussy. It's common knowledge that you excel at stroking so that's the reason, no doubt. Either that or because you smell of rat.

    I was enjoying your post up until the blatant lie about your "sphincter tightly clenched." We all know that's never going to happen again in this lifetime.

    Aside from your big fat fib, welcome back!

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  2. I'm thrilled at your return too. Even more so than that fucking Canuck.

    I also don't believe you have anything remotely resembling a tight sphincter - you do so live in a bizarre fantasy world.

    So when are we going to see the pics of your arse then?

    Oh and get ready - we're coming to get you VERY soon! We're off to the Smunts again next week and we may just be dropping by to take you out and find you a drunken man who'll give you a good hard shag.

    While we film it.

    It may prove difficult finding someone quite that drunk and still alive though.

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  3. I'm more thrilled than those Yorkshire poofs.

    Piggy: It shouldn't be hard to find a tramp to shag him. If the price is right. Just follow him down to the docks on any given night and let the camera roll.

    What are you going to call your film? The Black Hole of Doom? Crater from Another Planet? Cataclysmic Chasm?

    Dirty bandy-legged poofter.

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  4. Yay, congratulations! On both the demon box and also the new position of cat magnet. :) I'm sorry to hear about Spikey and his passing onto kitty heaven. He's onto other happy things now and is probably just as pampered now as he was in the presence of Inexcuseable.

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  5. I'm so happy that you're back! I was so excited to see you around at my blog again. Yay! I also love the purple drapes scream.

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  6. All I can say is YAY!!!!

    Also, welcome to the spinster club... population: us and cats.

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  7. YAY! You really are back!

    *Raises champagne cocktail*

    So wonderful to have you back mate. Can we see a picture of your demon box? -and I mean your computer, I'm not quite as brave as Piggy

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  8. So you're attracting rats and cats these days, eh?

    Crumbs.

    I am a smidgeon to the left of ambivalent at your return.

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  9. MJ: Big fat fib?! Why, my pipsqueak is little more than a pinprick!

    P&T: Dropping by on the way to The Smunts' or on the way back? Please tell me it's on the way to, as I don't think I'm quite ready for Smunty-cooties.

    Tim hasn't had a drink in years - If you can get a pint down him, I believe he'll be *up* for anything!

    MJ: I'm thrilled that you're thrilled!
    And the film will be named after a Star Trek Voyager episode: Eye of the Needle.

    Tara: Thank you! I bet Spike is lapping up all the attention in the afterlife. After all, there're more dead people than living people, so he'll never go short of pamperers.

    Dinah: * shakes lightly bunched fists next to ears and delivers extremely high pitched shriek *

    T-Bird: I don't know why I was so against the idea of Spinsterhood - We can be the King and Queen. Or maybe, the Queen and Queen?

    CyberPetra: Cheers! I have some pics lined up up for posting soon.

    Tim: You can try and hide your glee, but I can sense your real feelings from miles away!

    Everyone: Thank you for the welcome back!

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  10. I'm afraid I read one bit too quickly, and got the impression that your mother likes to take it up her allotment.

    A re-reading sorted out that misapprehension quickly enough, but I'm left feeling somewhat dirty of mind, and somewhat pleased with a newly minted euphemism.

    On a completely unrelated note, the word verification I'm being asked to fill in below is the word "oxyvoga". I'm sure it doesn't mean anything, but it suggests some sort of stretchy exercisey thing performed inside a Michael Jackson oxygen tent.

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  11. The Queens of All Spinsterhood!

    Our annual Spinster Balls are awesome. This year Spinsterella is the DJ. We also plan to terrorise Snow White and Sleeping Beauty.

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  12. So happy you are once again fully connected from home!

    Why on earth do your parents insist on all this manual labour? I thought the shed or gazebo or whatever structure it was last year was the worst, but this compost/dead rat bit seems even worse. Darling, I'll say it again, you are meant to be sipping champagne at a garden party, not digging and sweating in the freaking garden.

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  13. I'm with snooze on this. You have to learn to say no thank you

    At your advanced age you have to learn how to enjoy life before it's too late

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  14. Especially when Spinsterella is spinning that wheel for you.

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  15. I bet he is sitting at home right now singing "turn back time" by Cher

    Just hoping it might work

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  16. Oooh! Cher is playing some sort of extravaganza show in Vegas at the moment.

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  17. I think oxyvoga is going to be the new hot thing. All the stars are doing it!

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  18. Well, IDV, it is the Year of the Brown Rat! I see that he paid you a visit! Probably on some goodwill Olympic mission from China...Congrats on getting a new computer!

    CP, is that why IDV hangs out at the docks? to recruit sailors to recreate that Cher video? ;)

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  19. Qenny: 'Take it up the allotment' - I'll never be able to look The Mother in the eye again!

    It seems you have stumbled across this season's hottest celeb fad, as pointed out by Dinah: Oxyvoga!

    T-Bird: Yeah! Why should those bitches get all the men. Harlots.

    Snooze: I don't know how they manage to make me do it? One minute I'm all obstinate and contrary, the next, I'm mindlessly lumping about big sacks of muck!
    Their insidious powers of Parenting obviously haven't faded with age, damnandblast!

    CyberPetra: Advanced age?! I'll have you know I'm only 27.

    The fact that this is the seventh time I've turned 27 is neither here nor there!

    T-Bird: Rather her than George Michael.

    CyberPetra: Actually, I was singing Turn Back Time by Aqua!

    T-Bird: Is that the one with Tina Turner too?

    Dinah: The DVD is out now!

    Eros: Oh dear. Anglo-Chinese relations will be rapidly going downhill now that two of their ambassadors have met untimely ends.

    As for recreating the Cher video, I've got Tim to do it.

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  20. Complete with the helium voice?

    I'd be impressed.

    Still it's the only good thing from the movie Sliding Doors

    except I do fancy John Hannahs accent

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  21. Of course with the helium voice, CyberPetra. Is there any other way?

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