Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Flight of the Thaumjammer - Part, the second


 Before long we were not even half way to orbit. Actually, that's a bit generous. We weren't even a quarter of the way there. I'll skip forward a bit (a lot) - I'm sure you'll get bored silly hearing how the three of us sat in stony silence during the long and tedious ascent. The only points of note were the occasional breaks for a stretch and yawn. Oh, and to work out which Tupperware box the macaroons were in.


Nearly two hours later...


 "Are we nearly there yet?" whined Blacksmith.
 "Who knew Orbit was so far away?"
 "Quiet, you two" snapped Knight.
 I turned and raised my eyebrows at Blacksmith.
 "I saw that! Do you want your broom back or not?"
 I rolled my eyes, disguising it by lowering my eyebrows at the same time, finishing off with a triple salco-ed Inward Pout™ *.
 Knight looked out of the 'window'. "Are we losing speed?" he asked as a whooper swan overtook us from below. "And altitude?"
 I shrugged.
 "Can you find out?"
 "Hold on..." Gripping the shaft in a certain way, I became One With The Broom. Something I hated doing because it always made me feel gnarled and ancient, with a craving for fertile soil and sunlight afterwards. After a few seconds, I replied "Yes. We're too heavy."
 "Bugger. We'll have to jettison some non-essential stuff..."



* The Inward Pout™ is difficult to describe. Imagine pouting then looking out of your own mouth. That's as close as I can get. It came about during an evening of drinking, talking about Man-On-A-Bike-Man™, Hedge-clipping Boy™ and Cuntface (not ™ as there're loads of people with one of these) with two of my old crones a few years ago. We laughed a lot. Possibly because of the copious amounts of alcohol consumed. Or, possibly because we were all bloody hilarious!

20 comments:

  1. Yay first!!

    I tried the inward pout and succeeded so successfully that my mouth turned into a black hole. I only managed to save myself from turning in on myself by sticking Mrs Convict's tits in the way.

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  2. Bravo! I think I'd rather collapse than be saved by a pair of tits (lovely as Mrs Convict's are, I'm sure)!

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  3. yes you are indeed 'bloody hilarious'.
    Nice work IDV.

    I think I would like becoming 'one with the broom'. sounds interesting. kind of like those sentient trees in Lord of the Rings.

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  4. Inward pout - Gary 'Wotchu talkin' bout Willis?' Coleman on heroin? Or am I way off the mark?

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  5. D'you know KG, I've never seen LOTR. Couldn't bring myself to. But now I'm intrigued. You may be the one to convert me!

    M'Lady, you're not only off the mark, but also off the Steven, the Paul and the Jason! Although come to think of it, perhaps you're nearer than I thought...

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  6. You've never seen LOTR? *gasp*

    Get on it young man, right now!

    or you can read the books, they rock.

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  7. Oh, I've read the books. Well, I got bored half way through Return of the King so I never finished it. This was about 20 years ago though...

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  8. But now I'm intrigued.

    You won't be after the first hour of fucking elves fucking about in the fucking woods. Also that wide-eyed drongo who plays the hobbit is begging for a kicking and his fat friend should just snog him already.

    I was dragged to see the first one. My arse fell asleep. And the books are so fucking dry they shold come with free beer.

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  9. Mmmm. Free beer. Will it be Fosters?

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  10. Why should Cuntface be left of the list of ™ just because loads of people have one? The fact that lots of people say "That's hot" didn't stop Paris Hilton trying to trade mark the phrase. Daft bint.

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  11. LOTR?

    ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. *snort,gag,snuffle* ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

    I'd rather read IDV's blog.

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  12. If they came with a free bottle of sauvignon blanc (or 5), I might give ROTK another go, Spike & Fuckkit

    Qenny
    : You're right. I'll ™ him when I get home.

    Tickers: Cheek! Just for that, I'm going to write more than ever (as long as my procrastinating abilities don't kick in too soon).

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  13. oh come one you guys, just rent the movie. get some wine, settle in.


    Or not. if its not your thing I'm sure it would be painful.

    *pokes tickers in the ribs to wake him up*

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  14. I was the person who stood up after the first movie and said "That's IT?!" Literally. I've never read any of the books for seen any of the other movies, but I concur - I would much rather read this.

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  15. I went with Little Miss to see the second book. I was snoring through the big fight at the end.

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  16. I didn't mean I'd rather read your blog than LOTR. in a 'rather eat my own scrotum' sort of way, I meant your writing is much more interresting than Hollywood and Tolkiens finest.

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  17. ROTK is roughly 3 and a half hours too long.

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  18. Im suprised everyone who watched ROTK didn't die from deep-vein-thrombosis. No human is made to sit down for that long! However, could always practice inward pouting when you get bored.

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  19. Hello Frobi sweetheart!

    Dinah & Tickers: Thank you. Sorry about earlier Tickers. I'm so used to the bickering and sniping that the compliment was lost on me. Speaking of which, are you going to be eating your scrotum with a knife and fork like that freak at T&P's?

    Sorry KG, Fuckkit & I_B aren't really selling it to me...

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