Tuesday, 23 May 2006

Flight of the Thaumjammer - Part, the fourth

 Eventually we reached orbit.

 "Ruddy Hell! It feels like it's taken us eight days and eight hours to get here" Knight moaned.
 "I think we can put that down to the relativistic speeds we were travelling at" I explained, somewhat irritably.
 "Relative to what?" Blacksmith interjected. "The speed of your posting lately?"
 At that, Blacksmith and Knight fell about laughing. I was beginning to wish they would actually fall. Anyone else detect a hint of Stadtler & Waldorf around here?

 I did my best to ignore the two buffoons behind me and concentrated on locating my errant broom. I couldn't help but think of how convenient it was that Knight and Blacksmith had an excuse for a test flight at my expense. I wondered if they put Indescribable up to the task of 'losing' my broom. They did seem somewhat eager to help me...

Oooh, look. A flashback!  
Shut up, you sarcastic sod!  
Bloody Host's bloody SubConscious! I'll have a flashback if I want. Here it comes...

 I'd left my spare broom at Knight's. I think because he and Blacksmith were going to experiment with it. I thought they'd try and get it to work properly but that was probably naive of me. Knowing those two, they'd be sticking on go-faster-stripes, spoilers, noisy exhausts and the like!

 When I arrived at Knight's, I found that I wasn't far off the mark.

 "I'm glad you're here" Knight said, greeting me with an afterthought type kiss. "We've done all we can so far and need you for the test flight." He beckoned me into the garage.
 "Bugger the test flight! I need my broom now! Indescribable's launched my best one into orbit."
 "Ideal" Knight said, gleefully.
 Looking back on things now, his response should've given me a clue there and then. As it was, all I managed to say was, "Eh?"
 "This can be the test flight - retrieving your broom" he clarified as if speaking to a child. "But we're" and he indicated the semi-clothed Blacksmith "coming too."
 "I see." Oh Good God! "It'd be a miracle if that heap of junk can get me airbourne, never mind you two as well. As for orbit - you can forget it."
 Knight looked at me with that patronising expression on his face. "And how exactly are you going to stay alive up there? What with there being no air and barely even a temperature..."
 "I'd take a blanket and hold my breath" I replied tartly. He just smirked. That smug, irritating git! Grrrr... He's so infuriating! I hadn't worked out the technicalities. I was hoping something would come to me on the way up. "And what could you possibly do to remain on this side of the veil?"
 "Just start the broom and we'll show you..." and he paused for dramatic effect, "The Thaumjammer."

Thank Christ that's over with!
Oh, piss off!

 And here I sit, astride a gnarled old broom with those two to thank for this crappy excuse for an orbital shuttle. The name Thaumjammer evokes a magical, sleek but elegant craft reminiscent of its forebears, the Windjammer and the Starjammer. What a disappointment.

 Out of the corner of my eye I spy my wandering broom passing in front of the gibbous moon. Thank Heavens this little adventure is over with.

 Well. I say over with. We've still got to get down...



  1. You have LOST your fricking mind, back there when the foodstuffs were falling. Randomly. On people. /digs bit of mind out of ear

  2. *slips on a mangled Danish*

    Well you could have cleaned up round here before you posted again.

    Messy bugger.

  3. you should have taken some tips from harry potter about flying brooms .......he is the expert
    i myself have a wonderful modern one its called a dyson !!!

  4. Nah. Granny Waetherwax is the hexpert when it comes to recalcitrant brooms.

  5. Bravo. I hope that the two bad boys will do something nice for you now that you've given them a chance to play and experiment.

  6. Im sure we are getting to a raunchy part soon :0

  7. Anonymous25/5/06 11:59

    I'm biting my nails in anticipation that the orbital shuttle is going to be full of vicious knids.

  8. Anonymous25/5/06 13:37

    Which one, Shifty? I have four floating around here...

    Sorry Fuckkit, didn't have time.

    Midget Arse: I did have a Dyson but I accidently discharged my wand into it. It turned into a clattering, clanking clod and escaped!
    Oh, and Harry Shitting Potter can shit off! He wouldn't know a proper broom if one was shoved up his bum!

    Excellent word play, Spike : )

    KG: For me, or to me, I don't mind!

    Frobi: I hope so - see my reply to KG.

    Qenny: Not only do those vermicious knids look like poo, they smell like it too. I'm really hoping we don't get an infestation...

  9. Hang on, me and Spike paid a whole £2.50 each and never got the porn we were promised.

  10. FOR you and TO you :-) Party on!

  11. Anonymous26/5/06 15:24

    I imagine you're the typoe who goes down well... Hur.

  12. Anonymous26/5/06 15:25

    haha typoe. Meant type.

  13. Why thank yer, kind sorr.

    Also, what Fuckkit said.

  14. Anonymous27/5/06 02:00

    Oh hello, just thought I would say Hi, since you're very nice to my friends...

    So hi.

  15. I think this'll cover everything, people: I'll slip down a treat!

    And Spike, I meant Hexcellent wordplay, of course. Fancy me missing that one...

    Lovely to see you, ncefabn and thank you. You have very nice friends to be nice to!


Tickle my fancy, why don't you?