Thursday, 28 December 2017

The Year of the Lunatic Coven Awards

"The Year of the Lunatic"...?  What on earth are you going on about?!
Well, I thought that would have been obvious?!
Clearly not.
Not even with that ruddy great moon up there?  And all the other moon shots scattered around?
I think someone has been doing too many sherry shots, never mind moon shots...
 Shush!  We've started!
Cripes!  Witchface is on the ball this year.
  Let's get on with it, shall we?
 Yes.  Every year devolves into some sort of squabbling before things get going.
"Every year"?  Ha!  What about all those years we couldn't be arsed?


  That's better.  Shall we?
 Yes.  Let's.
  Hello, and thank you for joining us for the 2017 - AKA The Year of the Lunatic - Coven Awards.
 The fact is, we've got a packed show for you this evening.
  Or, morning or afternoon, depending on your time zone.
 Yes.  No.  Exactly.  Yes.  Um...  What was I saying?
  Packed show.
  So, let's begin with a quick recap of the first quarter of the year before moving on to the first of the awards.
 Yes.  No.  Exactly.
  As usual, I'll present the awards, and Witchface will recap the year.  Are you ready?
 Yes.  Exactly.  Yes.
Christ!  Who let Anna Rampton in?  


January:  The fact is, the year began with squabbling over who was to blame for the catastrophic failure of the 2016 Coven Awards.  And before we knew it, it was Friday the 13th, then LẌ's birthday.  All this was interspersed with some very cold day drifts.
February:  This month brought the last in the "Book on a Chair" series (as created by Ms Scarlet, here), plus a look at my bookcase.  There was also some moving news; Items of Interest returned; and a celestial temple cried golden tears.
March:  Beginning with the spilt tears of February's last post, March continued with more day drifts; more tears as Pamela Anderson wasn't invited to Ms Scarlet's birthday; a squabble amongst my various personalities; and the Star Trek Red Shirts went to the movies (after listening to the latest single from Goldfrapp, of course).

 Now, I'll pass you over to the Host for the first of the awards:
  Thank you, Witchface.

Terrific TellyIn addition to all the TV shows listed a little earlier in the year here, we have also enjoyed (or are enjoying): MotherlandFeud: Bette and JoanThe League of Gentlemen Anniversary SpecialsStranger Things 2.
  From a shortlist of the best in class - Strictly: It Takes Two (BBC) • Fortitude (The Creepy) • The Windsors & W1A (Comedies) • The Expanse (Sci-Fi) • Marvel's Jessica Jones & Legion (Homo Superior) - the most terrific of telly this year (so good I watched it twice) is: Jessica Jones!


Cinematic SensationsWe managed to get up off our arse and into Cromer Regal Movieplex twelve times in 2017 to see (in order of appearance, or thereabouts):
Hidden FiguresViceroy's HouseLoganLifeMadam Butterfly (opera) • Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2Alien: CovenantWonder WomanSpider-Man: HomecomingValerian and the City of a Thousand PlanetsBlade Runner 2049Thor: Ragnarok.
  This is a difficult one to call as I loved all of them except for the dreadful Alien: Covenant, and Valerian, although visually quite stunning, left me cold (except for the heart-warming opening which is helped along by David Bowie's "Space Oddity").

  In the end, though, I'm going for another stylish and visually stunning sci-fi flick, and it's not Life or Blade Runner 2049.  No, pipping the excellent but gloomy and dystopian Blade Runner sequel to the post is the sensational (and funny) Thor: Ragnarok!   


Weirdest CrushLet's get this one over with quickly, shall we?  The nominees are: "Prince William" from The Windsors & "Will Humphries" from W1A (both played by Hugh Skinner) • Shellington from Octonauts (he's a cartoon sea otter) • "Todd Brotzman" from Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (Elijah Wood).
  And the winner is (for when he pulls himself together and gets all commanding and  'royal'): "Prince William"!


Understandable Crush: "Jack Patterson" from W1A (played by Jonathan Bailey) - a bit of a bastard, actually • "Sean Donohue" from The Middle (Beau Wirrick) - so, so nice • "3" from Dark Matter (Anthony Lemke) - a bit of rough • Aljaž Skorjanec from Strictly Come Dancing (but mainly Strictly: It Takes Two) - handsome, funny, cute, adorable etc. etc...
  I initially went with "Jack Patterson", but he really is too much of a bastard, so I'm going for Aljaž!

  Except...  While searching through YouTube for videos of "Jack Patterson", I found an interview with Jonathan Bailey which has put a spanner in the works...


April:  The month began with a surprising lack of shags (and/or cormorants); a surprising glut of jetsharks; and a twisted groyne (or two).  Then, those silly Red Shirts had a Close Encounter; we had a couple of turns around the garden (prep for The Very Mistress's Garden Photos Event); a Game of Porcelain Thrones (and its explanation); and some more Goldfrappery.   
MayMore walks day drifting; bar-hopping with Doctor "Bones" McCoy; we saw the Milk Witch go to seed, and recovered from the ordeal in the garden; Icarus vs Sol; and the month ended by being driven to distraction, Starfleet style
June:  The 1st of June brought forth the first Triffid of the season; and after moving into Château DeVice, we de-stressed by taking a walk on the beach.  In a moment of boredom, we added to the internet's already over-burdened cat pictures; felt like Eddie Izzard when we got covered in bees; and hosted the return of Items of Interest with a gooseberry fool.


Something OldNow, this replaces the "Rediscovery" category of previous award ceremonies, but is basically the same thing - something loved or enjoyed but (long) forgotten that we've come across again this year.  The nominees are:
Now and Again - I caught this show at some ridiculous hour of the night on ITV (or was it Anglia TV, then?) and absolutely adored it. The premise, the characters, the wit - all of it!  After many years, it was released on DVD and I managed to obtain it earlier this year.  Needless to say, I pretty much binge watched it immediately, and wasn't disappointed.  The only thing that is a little jarring are Michael Wiseman/Newman's sideburns (sideboards?) in the pilot episode "Origins", but they were cut to an acceptable length in all the subsequent episodes, so that's all right • Stargate (the film, not the TV show) • The Secret of NIMH (the animated film, not the book) • Jai - AKA Jason Rowe, first came to my attention in 1997 with a small article in Attitude magazine.  I immediately went out and bought the single "Heaven", liked it so much that I also bought "Don't Give Me Away" and "I Believe" too.  I never found the album Heaven, though • BEAST - No! • The Very Mistress then? - No!  She hasn't even been away.  Besides, she's not that old... • The Human League - No, not their older, arguably more well known stuff, but their mid-nineties music, specifically the album Octopus and the singles "Tell Me When", "One Man in My Heart", "Filling Up With Heaven", and 1996's "Stay With Me Tonight".  
 Ug.  That's all a bit of a jumbled mess.  Aren't you going to make it a bit easier to read?
  No.  No time!  The winner is:  Now and Again


Something NewHmmm...  Something new...  Something new...?  Ooh!  I know:  Goldfrapp - "Everything Is Never Enough" from their 2017 album Silver Eye.  In fact, the whole bloody album! • USS Aventine model from Eaglemoss' Star Trek: The Official Starship Collection - We had that "Sleekest Starfleet Starship" category in a couple of the recent Coven Awards, remember?  Remember?!? • "Tears in Rain" - the new version of Vangelis' original from Blade Runner 2049.


Something BorrowedNeverwhere, by Neil Gaiman - borrowed from a friend from work, who has since left! • The Usual Suspects concept from Mistress Maddie for my Not The Usual Suspects post • Ummm...
 Reaching a bit now, are you?
  A bit.  I hadn't really thought about these categories that much.  I just thought the whole "Something Old, Something New" etc. sounded pretty cool.
 Well, it doesn't. 
 What are you going to do now, then?
  Dunno?  I've already made and posted the category headers.

 Oh, carry on, then.


Something BlueChrist!  Something blue?  How about:  Blue Planet II • (some of) Mr Peenee's blog • Ms Scarlet's "Not so muddy" scenery?

Ms Scarlet's Blue
 Just give it to Ms Scarlet and let's move on to my next quarterly catch up!


July:  Avert your eyes!  There's interracial kissing on the beach, closely followed by (but not related to) death on the beach.  After the kiss of death, the Tin Foil Hat compo was teased announced - With knobs rubber ducks on!  And, finally, The Great British Summertime took hold just as we were starting to enjoy some more day drifts.
August:  August began with Starfleet officers walking like Egyptians, but don't worry - it got better!  For a start, we tried Clifftop Calamities with added Cormorants (and the new butterfly flavour); became distracted by a Dandy Horse and holes with stones around them; and ended the month on a Tin Foil Hat high!
September: The surprise (because she remembered the compo was being held and actually entered!) winner of the Tin Foil Hat compo was announced; Davood impaled a pumpkin; Erasure wax lyrical about the Moon; Overstrand became overcast; we almost ensnared Mistress Maddie in a beach hut; and ended the month with a tour around an exotic garden centre.


Artistic Anniversaries & birthdaysBasically, all those times we attempted something creative for blogger birthdays and anniversaries.  The nominees are:
 Well, that was hardly artistic.  It was just a few photos added to a concept inspired by a special offer found in Not The Royal Wedding.  Actually, this would have been better in the "Something Borrowed" category.
  Ms Scarlet: "Pamela Anderson will not be invited."
 Ah.  Much better!  Art work (albeit put together in MSPaint) and That Dress!
  Me: Redshirts
  Well, there's these as well?
 Next category!
  The Very Mistress: The House of Infomaniac 10th Anniversary Tour
 Ignoring the fact that this one was from last year, see my comments about LX's birthday "celebration".
  Oh, shut up. And stop bloody interfering!

  So, the winner is: That Dress (as modelled by Ms Scarlet)


Not The Art of Star TrekThis year, I have continued with the monthly Star Trek art challenges from  TREK BBS that I began back in October 2016.  While I haven't always found or made the time to come up with something for every month's theme, I've managed to produce something for half of them.  I even won November's challenge with my Original Character Svjolweir Ti Meerdoy - A Gallamite Cetacean Liaison Officer.
• November 2017 - Let's See Your OC!
• October 2017 - Celebrate Good Times, Come On!
• July 2017 - Walk Like An Egyptian 
• June 2017 - Foreign Relations
• May 2017 - Driven to Distraction
• February 2017 - Of Prophet's Tears and Verteron Nodes (plus the warm up: The Celestial Temple Cries Golden Tears)
  Out of these six, my favourite is June's Summer Fun, AKA Foreign Relations!

Senator Vreenak is less than impressed, however:


Most Coveted Cusp Book
I've whittled the nominees for this category down to three: Ms Scarlet in the Pantry with the Can-Opener; Delilah Smythe's Fucked-up Fondues; and The Very Mistress MJ Diaries.

  But I can't decide between them...  Let's move onto a category for which the winner was decided months ago, instead:

2017 Tin Foil Hat WinnerSavvy, of course!

Special mention must be made of Hound, who gamely endured another year of roasting his cock in tin foil.


12th Century Tin Foil Hat Winner It can only be LẌ's Kettle Helm:


October: This month started with a list of books and songs before segueing into adventures in Star Trek scribbling, and trying to identify what we do most of best so we can find fewer ways of doing more of it less.  In other news: BEAST made a triumphant return (although he's gone a bit quiet again now - Mr C must be working him too hard in Café C); we celebrated 1000 posts with a selection of Delilah Smythe's cook books; and in place of Hallowe'en, we presented you with greased up, naked Vulcans running around chasing after each other.  What more could you want?!
November: The delightful Aljaž Skorjanec dropped in to promote Strictly: It Takes Two!  You may think that nothing could possibly top that, but this month surprised us all: Photographs of sunrise over an ocean of the Moon's tears; Terrific but time-consuming telly; an avian lunchtime ruined by a bathing Beaky; Winston Churchill's candid opinion of Cromer; and an excerpt from The Very Mistress MJ Diaries! (There was also some arty type stuff, but that's neither here nor there)
December: And, finally, the twelfth month.  December began with an Alien-Beluga showing his "little mouth" for the monthly Art Challenge; then continued with shrinking ourself for an adventurous beach endeavour; the Moon wasn't so super, but Erasure tried to liven it up a bit; charging white horses on the beach; we were treated to Aljaž's straplines and the unrelated salty spray around a bent groyne; and the month ended with a reminder of our adventures over the Cusp, and this very post!


Magnificent MusclesThis category replaces previous years' "Sci-Figure" (but only because I'd already made the "Magnificent Muscles" title image before remembering that Sci-Figure was a thing...
  Anyway, the nominees are:  James Holden (Steven Strait) The Expanse • Amos Burton (Wes Chatham) The Expanse • Davood Ghadami (James Bond) Strictly Come Dancing • Thor, God of Thunder (Chris Hemsworth) Thor: Ragnarok • Michael Newman/Wiseman (Eric Close) Now and Again • D'Avin Jaqobis from Killjoys...
  Oh, sod all that.  Half of them have been featured in the videos posted up there ↑ and I can't be arsed to find the specific pictures I want to illustrate this category.
Not after discovering that Netflix apparently doesn't allow one to 'snip' images from paused shows - it all goes grey...
  So let's move on to something a lot more risqué-
Did you put the "Danger: Rude!" label on?
  Yes!  As I was saying...  Moving on to something a lot more risqué and easier to find illustrative images for:

Marvellous Muscle Pussy by PeeneeIn order of appearance: The Birthday Present; The Plumber; Not a Taco; The Random Payment.

  At this point in the proceedings, I'd like to announce that for anyone who's flagging, and needs some sort of sustenance to keep going, Peenee has graciously provided a hot dog stand.

oh'n urry - eer eery a uh en'!
  Don't speak with our mouth full!  (He's trying to say: "Don't worry - we're nearly at the end!")

Coldest Deadest Prettiest Eyes: Amos Burton (Wes Chatham) from The Expanse


Most Wasted Flirtatious GlancesQuite frankly, these will get you nowhere.
Except more starring roles, more sparkly dresses, and more you-themed posts!
Don't listen to him!  He's not in charge here.
That's what you think...

And that's your lot!  There were a few more award categories but, quite frankly, we're running out of time-
And space!
  Quite.  So, we're going to bring these awards to a close.
 Thank you so much for attending.  Remember to pick up your litter before you leave, and any personal items that get left behind will be auctioned off to the most desperate perv.
Oh, and can whoever was in the fourth row from the back, please mop up whatever that was you hacked up during the interval. Ta.


[Award header and titles brought to you with kind permission of the Moon, and the fonts Queer and Reisling.  Quarterly titles brought to you with indifferent permission from Overstrand beach, grudging permission from Cromer seafront, and the font Swistblnk Banthers who was positively delighted to be a part of the whole shebang]

Oh, and:



  1. Thank goodness! Someone else has that sideburns/boards thing I do!
    I'm very gratified you not only mentioned my cock but posted a picture of it as well...
    Happy new year!

    1. Ah, so that's where Mr Peenee got that photo GIF from!

      And, yes, the whole "sideburns/sideboards" thing is very confusing.

  2. "12th Century Tin Foil Hat Winner: It can only be LẌ's Kettle Helm"


    Excellent year-in-review! I shudder to think what a "moon-themed" review over at Infomaniac would look like!

    1. It's just as well that her Moon Domination Tour kept The Very Mistress otherwise occupied...

    2. Today the moon, tomorrow the Universe!

    3. You'll need more than a Mistress Moon Lander to dominate the Universe. Perhaps a starship? Maybe a Star Trek starship...?

  3. That quite a year. I'd say more, but I have a mouth full of hot dog still......

    1. And a hot dog that meaty should keep you full for some time!

  4. First off: Congratulations on another Fabulous review and award show! So much happened in a year!

    Second: Congratulations on winning the November Original Character Challenge! Well done! The work (character) was magnificent and entertaining!

    Thank you for all the awesome, astounding fotos, the spectacular magazines/book creations, and especially for the splendid music, movies, media, and books reviews and recommendations.

    Congratulations to all the winners! Happy New Year!!!


    1. And thank you, Eros! Not least for your thoughtful and encouraging comments, but also for the marvellous bottles and glasses of pop, and the cakes and gifts also left in the comments boxes!

  5. What a year !

    Congratulations to all !

    But I still do not understand why Ms Anderson is not invited.

    1. I think that's something only Ms Scarlet can answer...

  6. It truly was a "what a year" 12 months along! Thanks for all the fun, sweetpea. You certainly made me smile. I love the year in review!! xoxox

    p.s. raise a glass on 31Dec as I'll be 68! *sweet Jesus how the hell did that happen*

    1. What a year indeed. The year of the Tin Foil Hat Win, in your case!

      Happy birthday! We hope you had a wonderful day, Savvy!

  7. A lot has happened this year. I'd say more, but my mouth is full of hot dog..........

    1. I told you that much meat would keep you full for a good long while!

      (Apologies - your first comment found itself in the spam folder for some reason - along with a couple of Hound's - so I despammed it which is why you came twice!)

  8. Well...That year went quickly darling. I love your reviews and your cleverness with all the jiggery pokerery with your headings and book covers and creative stuffery. Much continued seaside meanderings for 2018. ILove your work.

    1. Why, thank you, Princess! I'm glad you managed to make it to this year's awards, and I hope we'll be seeing more of you in 2018?

  9. Oh my goodness!!! I HAVE WON EVERYTHING!!!! Thank you!!!! *pushes everyone else off the screen and practices more wasted flirtations, plus a little pouting for good measure*
    I adore you Mr Devine. Have the Happiest New Year EVER!!!

    1. Just don't look too closely at some of the awards - you were winning so much that we ran out of gold leaf and jewels for encrusting, so had to resort to gold food colouring and Hundreds & Thousands...

  10. P.S I just binge watched Stranger Things 1 & 2 - I loved it. We have a lot of telly in common.

    1. Stranger Things is quite marvellous, isn't it?! One of my favourite bits is Sheriff Hopper's little dance for Eleven in season 2!
      Perhaps a TV Night is in order? With Babycham and Ferrero Rocher?

  11. To IDV and loved ones,
    Happy New Year!!!
    May the New Year keep y'all healthy, hearty, and in good spirits. May y'all be surrounded by good people, good fortune, and good times. Be safe. Be warm. Be happy. Peace, Best wishes, and Cheers to y'all. May your garden blossom bountifully and beautifully; may nature entertain you with all its splendor; and may music guide you to better places and allow you to dance with joy. Happy New Year to y'all!

    1. Gosh, Eros! That's quite the greeting, thank you! And same to you, too!

      Love the snowman! Although, that's the only one I want to see - I don't want any actual snow unless I don't have to go to work.

  12. I'm exhausted from reading that list. I had no idea we'd been through so much together in 2017. A most impressive wrap-up, Mr. DeVice.

    Suggestions for 2018: Less Star Trek (as if) and more books on chairs and photos of Beaky. And keep up with the beach walk pics.

    And maybe a nice Victoria Sponge CAKE.

    1. I'm exhausted, too. And I've worn my fingers down to nubbins with all the key & button pressing, right clicking, and mouse manoeuvring!

      As for 2018: You may get your wish with "Less Star Trek" as there are hardly any Trek novels being published this year (due to some protracted contract negotiations between CBS and Pocket Books) so I shan't be reading an awful lot of Star Trek and then posting about it. Beaky will almost certainly feature (the little bastard!), as will beach walk photos (in fact, I've got some from Boxing Day and yesterday, to share - along with some clifftop sunrise photos from this morning). And I was only thinking yesterday that I hadn't made many cakes in 2017, so I shall attempt to rectify that this year!

    2. p.s. I read the Star Trek stuff even if I don't understand it. I simply enjoy being here.

      *sniffs air in hopes of cake baking*

    3. That's good because we enjoy having you here.

      As long as you wipe up after yourself!

  13. Happy New Year Mr Device!

    "Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a greeting card writer!" Dr McCoy "The Troubles With Writer's Block" Star Trek

    1. Happy New Year, LẌ! I would write more but seem to be struggling with the same affliction as Dr McCoy!


Tickle my fancy, why don't you?