The House of Infomaniac 10th Anniversary Tour

 If you're reading this programme, you've obviously arrived. You are someone. You revel in the epitome of wealth, taste, and personal hygiene that affords you—yes, You!—this once in a lifetime, exclusive Infomaniac experience. You are one of the lucky few to be granted the rights and privileges that only this all-access excursion grants.
 Unless you've fished this out of the trash, in which case, prepare to be probed by the Infomaniac Police Force.

The Infomaniac Police Force on the prowl for fence-jumpers and fare dodgers

 In the vein of the highly successful World Domination Tours of 2010 and 2013, welcome to

THE HOUSE OF

 I N F O M A N I A C

 10th Anniversary Tour

 The Tour begins with your flight aboard Infomaniac Airlines. But, while the crew wind up the rubber band propellor prepare for take off, why not relax in the airport's exclusive Infomaniac Cocktail Lounge and be entertained by the Infomaniac Dancers. Just beware of the Infomaniac Drinking Team - they can get a little rambunctious after their seventh Babycham.

Infomaniac Airlines primed for take off

 Are you an Infomaniac Bitch? If so, boarding will be a doddle! Just sashay past the check-in desk waving your exclusive members' card, and escape the throngs of unwashed commoners for the heady heights of Club Class. Not for you the humiliating journey of shame, packed in a crate with the other proles like sardines in a can, slowly trundled away to the steerage loading bay. 

Don't lose it - You won't be issued with another

 Once the Infomaniac Magic Bus has wafted you (if not in style, then at least with expediency) from the plane to the luxurious Infomaniac Inn, and you've recovered from the greeting by the Infomaniac Cheerleading Squad, the evening is yours to spend as you wish.
 Hungry? Why not visit the Infomaniac Cafeteria or Infomaniac Diner and try the famous Sausage Flambé or Kipper Surprise. There's plenty to choose from on our a la carte or nouvelle cuisine menus. And if you're not comfortable with the sophistication and elegance of fine bone china and exquisitely forged cutlery, we'll be happy to provide a trough.
 Haemorrhoids playing up? Deep Vein Thrombosis kicked in? Or just plain old food poisoning (you had the Kipper Surprise, didn't you)? Pay a visit to the Infomaniac Medical Clinic where one of our medical professionals will give you a good seeing to.

 After a restful night's sleep, this is what you've been waiting for: Your first whole day at the House of Infomaniac! And this is where the tour proper begins.
 If she deigns you worthy, you will be greeted at the door by The Very Mistress MJ herself, otherwise you'll have to make do with Peenee & Norma or one of her various bitches, lackeys or houseboys. Even if you are one of the chosen, don't expect The Mistress to stick with the tour to the end - she has staff to berate and discipline, rivals to vanquish, and serious amounts of drinking to do, amongst other engagements - Count yourself lucky that you even caught a glimpse!

Yikes! Look away now - The Mistress hasn't trowelled her slap on yet

 The tour begins in the Infomaniac Museum with a walk-through of Infomaniac: the knitting blog (as it was then), and the Infomaniac Art Gallery, which includes the Willies Wing and the Filthy Friday Wing. Please do not cross the velvet ropes, and most certainly do not touch any of the exhibits otherwise you may find a knitted uterus flung quite hard at your person. 

Also comes in a flaming variety, so watch yourself!

The tour continues through the Pink Room, the Polka Dot Room, the kitchens (where the unforgettable Kitchen Queen Contest was fought), we'll break for refreshments at the Vodka Fountain then move on through the Tinfoil Room, the Waiting Room, break again at the Gincuzzi, head to the Red Room, the Plaid Room, and finally, the pièce de résistance: The Oubliette.

Unsurprisingly, the Oubliette is fully booked for the next six months

 Day two begins with a tour of the House of Infomaniac's extensive grounds. As an Infomaniac Bitch, you will have first choice of the many MistressMobiles that make up The Very Mistress MJ's private fleet. If you're not one of her Bitches and/or poor, you'll have to make do with the Beast model and hope that you can keep up.

The BeastMobile undergoing training by The Mistress and Ms Scarlet

 You will be one of the few allowed to cast their eyes upon the wonders of the Infomaniac Gardens. The lush and verdant planting has been inspired by gardens the world over. Plus, you may even spot some of the wildlife allowed to roam free throughout the grounds.

 The grounds also play host to the Infomaniac House of Beauty, where Ms Scarlet will be only too happy to provide her now infamous Stick of Butter Treatment for an exhorbitant charge a small fee. Complementary nose clips will be provided as you swing past the Infomaniac Villa of Queens Old Homosexuals' Haven Retirement Home. Unless you like the smell of tired old fruits wallowing around in their own vinegary piss? Finally, you'll disembark your MistressMobile for the Pool Party, where you'd think you can let your hair down and relax, but no - A strict dress code applies. We don't want to encourage riff-raff, after all.

IVD and Mago in proper pool party attire

 Before the Infomaniac Magic Bus comes to collect you in the morning, why not peruse the Infomaniac Shopping Network channel for a tastelessful bit of tat memento of your stay? And remember, if you're a sad, lonely Singleton, sign up to our Fag, Hag, and the Odd Slag Dating Service, so you can take our Christmas Tour as a Smug Married enabling you to look down your nose at all the pathetic, single losers.     

The Mistress whips Santa into shape for the Infomaniac Christmas Tour

 
 Now, for those of you who can't afford this Infomaniac Extravaganza, we have a once-in-a-lifetime treat: A competition to win a "most expenses paid trip" to the House of Infomaniac! All you have to do is guess The Mistress's Menstrual Cycle and survive meeting her during said cycle.
 Remember that we warned you about the flaming uterus (above)? Well: Duck!

 § 

 I trust you have your invitations at the ready, because The House of Infomaniac's Decade of Debauchery Party is now on!