Saturday 21 February 2015

On The Mistress's Secret Service

 "I thought I'd find you here, Bond"
 The figure propped up at the bar, straightened slightly but didn't turn around to face her addresser.
 "Mmmm" Bond slurred, slugging down the dregs of a Jameson's.
 "N, actually. Now, come on, I've got a mission for you. We're going back to headquarters."
 Bond sighed and slouched out of the Irish bar after N, adjusting her character turban on the way.
 "Hurry up, Bond. I borrowed Cookie's Chrysler New Yorker as my car's in the 'shop, and he'll be livid if I don't get it back in time for the Concours d'Elegance."

~ ~ ~

 The Chrysler pulled in at MJ6 headquarters, slowing down but not stopping, to disgorge Bond, who staggered from the moving automobile.
 "I would say I'm sorry about that, Bond, but I'd be lying" N shouted from the open rear window as the car pulled away. "Go in and see my secretary for the mission details and to get kitted out." And with that, the chauffeur driven car roared off.
 Inside, Bond walked into a suite of offices, and was confronted with N's secretary.
 "Mish Moneyprinny" Bond slurred, the Jameson's still evident.
 Moneyprinny looked up from her sewing machine, her mouth full of pins. She turned her head to the left slightly and blew the pins out with a helping flick from her tongue. Bond flinched as they shot past and embedded themselves with deadly accuracy into a picture of some garden gnomes that was stuck to the door she'd just walked through.
 "Ah, hello Jane" Moneyprinny smiled. "N found you, then."
 "It would appear so, eh" Bond replied, turning back from the be-pinned gnomes. "That's quite a tongue you have there, Moneyprinny."
 "Well, it may have been a few years since I was out in the field, but one never forgets how to blow a mouthful of pricks!"
 "Quite" Bond said. "So, you have my mission?"
 "Oh, yes. Just a minute." Moneyprinny rifled through some drawers under her desk, pulling out all manner of sewing implements and, bizarrely, several jars of apricots. Eventually, she handed over a buff-coloured file, the front of which was marked 'Top Secret'. Or it would have been had the rings of apricot syrup from the jar bases not obliterated it. "Here you are."
Drama queen!
 Bond gingerly took the sticky file and opened it up, revealing pages of data and a photo of a male nude statue in gold. A closer glance revealed the statue to be a gold-painted man, and not just any man. It was her latest liaison, 'Mr Swings' Mastercard, and he'd been nobbled! 
 Just then the phone rang. Moneyprinny took one look at the caller ID display and rolled her eyes. "It's mother" she explained and gestured for Bond to go through the double doors on the right. "He's expecting you. I'll meet you outside in a bit."

~ ~ ~

 The chair swung around revealing a man stroking two scarily intelligent-looking cats that were sitting contentedly in his lap. 
 "Who are you?" Bond demanded suddenly sobering up. "And where's Q?"
 "Um... Well... I'm X" the man said peering at Bond over the top of his wire-framed glasses. "Q popped out for lunch, so I'm just filling in until he gets back."
 Bond narrowed her eyes at the unexpected interloper as he stroked his pussies.
 "When did he leave?" she asked, reasoning that as everyone in MJ6 got an hour for lunch, Q may not be much longer as it was nearly 2pm now.
 "Three months ago" sighed X.
 "Oh. So he probably won't be back by two, then?"
 "I doubt it."
 "Look" Bond said, "This all seems very suspicious. You're not the villain, are you?"
 "Me?" X looked aghast. "Certainly not!" Then the penny dropped. "Oh... The swivel chair, the cat-stroking, the little glasses... Heh! Yes, I can see why you'd think that."
 X rose from his chair, the cats leaping from his lap to disappear amongst the various inventions and contraptions scattered about the cavernous room. "Follow me, Bond. I'll show you your latest accoutrements."

~ ~ ~

Paradise in an AM DB5
 "And this is the automatic pillow-fluffer" said X handing over a small device to Bond as they walked out of the foyer of MJ6 Headquarters. Bond passed the plaid gun she was inspecting to Moneyprinny who had met them outside. "And that" X continued, pointing at a leopard-skin upholstered convertible parked nearby, "is your MistressMobile - an Austin Mistress DB5. It comes complete with wipe-clean seats, a miniature vodka fountain in the glovebox, and an inflatable Oubliette in the trunk.
 A noise like deflating bagpipes suddenly got everyone's attention.
This was followed by a commotion amongst various pedestrians across the road. Several had fainted and at least two of them weren't even stuck-up old snobs! The rest of the civilians had their hands clamped to their faces, covering their bleeding eyes.
The results of messing around with a Plaid-
Gun without checking that the safety is on...
 "Dear gods!" Bond snapped. "What have you done, Moneyprinny?"
 "It just went off in my hand! I barely touched it!"
 "And look what it's done to their hair."
 "I'm pretty sure it didn't do that. Their hair must have been that bad beforehand" said X.
 Ignoring the unfolding drama, Bond pulled her red character turban more snugly against her head and got in the drivers seat of the MistressMobile. X and Moneyprinny squabbled over the front passenger seat, with X losing out and having to sit in the back. Moneyprinny looked smug as Bond started the engine and pulled away.
 "Wait! Wait!" came a voice from outside the car.
Bond pulled over and lowered the window. "Yes?" she said to the approaching figures, both of whom looked a little over made-up for normal daytime business. "What do you want?"
 "My Mistress wants to go with you." The almost out of breath 'woman' nearest the car dropped the various travel cases she had carried pell-mell up the street. "She- She knows things."
 "Quiet Anitia!" the second 'woman' snapped as she approached. Unlike Anitia, she had declined to run and wasn't carrying anything except for a small, rather exquisite clutch.
 "She's in one of those moods" Anitia whispered to Bond with a roll of her eyes before being shoved aside by her companion.
 "I have information that can help you."
 Bond narrowed her eyes. "What kind of information, and why would you want to help us?" 
 "Because 'Mr Swings' was my brother! I am Maddie Mastercard."
 "I see. So, what about this information?"
 "Well, that's a little more complicated, but I know certain things about where you're going..."
 "Oh, get in, then. But you'll have to sit in the back with X."
 Anitia opened the back door and Maddie barged her aside, grimacing at the close confines within. "There's no room for you, Anitia. You'll have to stay behind. Now, just put my things in the trunk and go and find a cheap motel to stay in." 

To be continued in... Glitter is Forever


  1. The cats asked me to pass along this reminder that their contract rider calls for an Airstream trailer (each), sliced New Zealand brown trout, bottled water (flat), catnip, and M&Ms (no green!).

  2. You realise that the cats outrageous riders means that you have to make do with sharing a battered 1960s caravan with Mago and Princess, a rusty can of pilchards, water from the water butt, and all those green M&Ms, LX?

  3. "It just went off on my hand... I hardly touched it!"
    That seems to happen a lot... just another of my many skills darling.

  4. If anyone knows how to blow a mouthful of pricks it Ms Moneyprinny. I wonder if she still carries that spittoon? Very engaging saga......thank goodness because tv here tonight sucks.

  5. Exciting stuff.
    I wonder what mischief I'll be getting up to.

  6. Oh my word!!!!
    And I am the crimson pussy??? And is Mr X stroking me... or, am I to be revealed as a villain in the next post???? When reCAPTCHA [00184]unveils me as being a hideous robot fiend in a faux fur hooded parka...


Tickle my fancy, why don't you?