Saturday 9 October 2010


A flash of light illuminates the whirling dust and coalesces into a figure. As the light dims, details can be made out. It is tall and appears to be wearing a cloak and a wide brimmed, pointed hat. As the light dims further, more details start to become apparent but, before its facial features become discernible, it raises a slender but male arm from within the billowing cloak and pulls the hat's brim down obscuring his face. His head sweeps from side to side, observing the featureless surroundings, except that there are features. Or, at least, there were. Remnants of things past litter the flat landscape: Old stories lie crumbling like fallen buildings. Narratives and tales wind through the old stories in advanced states of decay like the dead sloughed skins of giant serpents. Thoughts and ideas, once articulate and animated like birds in flight now lay where they fell, husks of nothing.
"Hmmm..." the figure mutters to himself. "This will do nicely" and he withdraws his other arm from the cloak, the folds of dark fabric catching and falling from the staff he holds. But it's not really a staff. The skyward pointing end is bound by stiff bristles and the long shaft is gnarled and twisted. The figure raises the broom and then quickly drives it down again, striking the dust.

Another flash of light heralds a second figure. Not as tall as the first, but also not as slight. It has a sculpted, athletic look to it - definitely male. Although appearing topless in the initial blinding light, telltale folds on the edges of the broad shoulders and narrow waist and hips disappointingly reveal that the lithely muscular man is wearing a fitted t-shirt. As he nods in greeting to the first figure and also surveys the surroundings, a third flash of light signals the arrival of someone else.

This one looks most peculiar in the fading bright aura. Very tall but, at a second glance, the height appears to be down to aides. Specifically, high heels and a towering wig. His eyes - despite the heels and wig, this one was most definitely a he - his eyes are surrounded by a halo of glitter as is his pouting mouth. His lips are full and slick with gloss and sparkling lipstick. An almost sheer, iridescent mermaid dress split to the upper thigh clings to his body and shapely legs before fanning out around his killer heels.

The fourth and fifth flashes of light don't appear as bright as the first three, but only because the sky around them is lightening in a sort of pseudo-dawn. The dust that had been swirling around in the breeze and filing down the ruins is almost all gone now leaving the plain flat and smooth. These final two figures appear to be male and female and they are bickering. The male, who wears a sensible anorak, carries a Roy Cropper bag full of Tupperware containers of, what smells like, chickpea curry. Resting atop these tubs are various types of tropical fruit but, strangely by their absence, no pineapples - Must be something to do with mau mau? The shapely female is barely wearing a plunging fitted top and carries a long leather whip which she threatens her companion with when unleashing a particularly nasty epithet aimed at him.

Suddenly, a shrill tone pierces the still, quiet atmosphere - It's an annoying Nokia-style ringtone. Four faces wince and turn to glare at the male carrying the bag, their eyes narrowed. The man in the anorak rummages frantically in his bag, spilling fruit everywhere until he pulls out an apple, but not of the fruit variety.
"Yes?" he hisses, answering the slab-like mobile phone. An authoritative, strident voice bellows from the tiny speaker, distorted by the volume. "But I'm in the middle of something" he whined. The distorted voice shouts something else. "No. It's really important." More harsh volume erupts from the phone. "But it's my day off!" What sounds like a scoffing laugh comes from the speaker. "But-"
"Oh, for Christ's sake!" the woman snaps and snatches the phone from the cowering, flinching man before throwing it to the ground and grinding it beneath her heel.
The other three figures breathe a collective sigh of thankful relief.

"This place is ripe for the taking" the First says only just loud enough to be heard over the whispering wind and still glowering at the ex-phone wielding man. "Come, let us gather our armies of darkness. Flying Monkeys, to me!"
"Red Shirts, assemble!" the Second commands.
"Entourage!" says the Third, snapping his well manicured fingers.
"Come hither, my League of Extraordinary HouseBoys!" the Fourth barks.
"Banana Splits" sighs the Fifth, clearly not entirely happy with his milling army.

The Second laughed as he observed the gathered troops. "The nightmare that became a reality and spread throughout the blogs" he observed in his best Captain Kirk voice.

And the Age of the Second Coven begins...


  1. Long live The Coven!

    *whips the Third and the Fifth and awaits instructions from the First and the Second*

  2. Will I be playing Death or Mau Mau with Beast?

  3. Are you having business cards made up for us?

  4. I'd like an electric broom.

    Oh, and I shall be blogging about this on Sunday.

  5. Ooooo, this could be fun! I'll just wait for the next installment.

    *dons a pair of gloves, picks up fallen fruit and passes it back to the Fifth*

  6. Very impressive lineup! All that's missing is an exploding drummer.

  7. Fantastic intro to the new coven.

    Suitably dramatic.

    Looking forward to tales of high jinx.

    By the way, just so you know, I'll be petitioning for a working for a tall, rich man who will keep me in the manner to which I will become accustom.

    (men with boxes and a fiver need not apply)

  8. Tell us how you made your final decision?

    Did you pull names out of a pointy hat?

    Or did we each fulfill certain criteria?

  9. Will there be a swearing-in ceremony?

  10. Oh yeah, I meant to ask, can me and the flying monkey work together? As well as roping in the coven members, do I also get to source the cake and wine?

    (All good rituals require cake and wine - oh fuck! I said the 'C' word round MJ)

  11. MJ: Long live The Coven!

    * looks on with approval at whipping *

    MJ: You can do, just bring your own pineapples.

    MJ: Hmmm... That's not a bad idea...

    Savannah: Indeed. I do wonder what we may have unleashed?

    MJ: An electric broom? You mean a vacuum cleaner?

    Ponita: Oh, don't encourage him.

    Actually, go right ahead. You haven't got any pineapples, haveyou?

    xl: They were all out of the exploding sort and I wasn't going to settle for an ordinary one.

    Roses: Thank you.

    If I find one, I'll let you know. Can I have a go first though - You know, just to make sure he's suitable?

    MJ: The decision was made after I considered various factors, including: proven staying power, experience, compatibility and beastliness, amongst others.

    MJ: Why, thank you! I forgot to mention it.

  12. MJ: Ooh, you surprised me there. Our first STC crash!

    A swearing in ceremony? What swear words do you know?

    Roses: Gaaaah! Duck and cover! The C word has been mentioned! Hold your noses everyone!

  13. Happy blogiversay!

    Great intro to the adventures of the new Coven. What I'm about to say is a huge compliment as it was originally done by Bob Spiers (I think he's called) so brace yourself.

    The introduction sort of made me think of that scene with the UFO where the girls were going into the forest to pee in Spice World the movie. Awesome!

    PS. Thanks for summoning me, and I love my heels and frock!

  14. Will there be an initiation?

    I propose a hazing ritual for Beast.

  15. What swear words do I know, you ask?

    Shall we start with CUNT and make our way through the list?

  16. Thank you for not choosing SID.

    Can you imagine the friction?

  17. *waits for electric broom delivery*

  18. Like the Harry Potter toy broom MJ ?

  19. Oh, and a list of duties.

    We'll need some sort of policies and procedures manual to know what you expect of us and how to conduct ourselves.

  20. MJ: "waits for electric broom delivery"

    The Dyson DC23 Turbinehead with Flexi Crevice Tool "Extends and flexes to clean awkward gaps and spaces. Quickly attaches to the hose or wand."

  21. Oh...
    This is going to be fun.
    Congratulations to the new coven members.
    I guess a Mr Beastie has not apparated as yet... Is he at home discovering the joys of mau mau and frantically polishing pineapples perchance?...

    Mr Device,
    Happy Bloggaversary and what a terrific intro to the new coven...

    And... may I take this opportuity to remind you that your Flying Monkeys are ready for collection

  22. Actually Princess I have just got home from feeding the saphic hordes (A buffet for a lesbian hen night kipper suprise almost cused a riot). When I left they were all singing sweet Caroline with Mavis , and cavorting in a most unseemly manner. :-Hurrah I made the coven at last
    ***wallops the fourth with a broom***

  23. *sprays Febreeze liberally to remove kipper stench*

  24. 'Petra: I am deeply honoured. I cannot think of a better film than Spice World!

    I think the heels are Louboutins but I'm not sure about the frock?

    MJ: Yes, there ought to be some sort of initiation. I'd better sort that out.
    I'll leave Beast's hazing ritual in your capable hands. In fact, that can be your initiation.

    MJ: What about Damn and blast and drat and lawks, to mention but a few?

    MJ: I can imagine the friction burns as his pendulous moobs rub along the carpet!

    MJ, 'Petra & MJ after MJ: You may be waiting a while - The Nimbus 2000's been discontinued after it was found a little too distracting.
    Some witches have even been known to sit upon washingmachines in full spin cycle to console themselves.

    the MJ before MJ before xl: Hells bells! Must I do everything for you? Just follow my lead. Or Tim's, but mainly mine.

    xl: What a thoughtful suggestion. However, MJ's gap certainly isn't awkward. A leaf blower would be more appropriate for her spacious crevice.

    Yikes! I seem to have channeled Piggy!

    Princess: Thank you, my dear. I shall enjoy watching those particular Flying Monkeys again and again and again!

    BEAST: Sounds like you escaped the hordes in the nick of time!
    Although, maybe it's like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. MJ's been waiting for you...

    MJ: * hands over industrial-sized bottle *

  25. I smell trouble... and dry crusty banana...
    Congrats on 5th bloggyversary!

  26. ..And MJ came fourth and did wallow in the boy batter...

  27. Oh dear last comment was 3 mins till bewitching hour. Premature again. Just like IVD.

  28. Congratulations on the new Coven and Happy Blog Birthday!

    Cheers and Best wishes for many more years of magic, mischief, and merriment!


  29. Happy Blogversary, by the way!

    Raises glass of cider.


  30. Well, it's a little chilly out here in the open. I thought we'd be given complimentary ceremonial cloaks.

  31. I'm late to the party here, but I approve highly of Coven: The Next Generation.

    We aim to misbehave!!

  32. ***sneakily flops a big dollop of Beast's Kipper Suprise in MJ's unattended handbag and departs hastily****

  33. After reading Tims comment I must quote the Beastie Boys.

    If it's that kind of party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes.

    I never would do that. Never ever (look! An All Saints reference)

  34. Why do I smell like rotting kippers?

  35. Yes, why does Mistress MJ smell of rotting kippers.
    I've always been too afraid to ask.

  36. A bit late, sorry - Happy Blogiversary!

  37. Welcome to the new coven! A new evil is unleashed upon the world. I will have to keep my first-born indoors.


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