Monday, October 05, 2009

Splosh!


As predicted, Antenna turned up at the sea hag's lair, ranting and wailing.
"Oh, my dear, whatever is the matter?" Insulin asked, feigning concern and welcoming the over made-up young merpoof into her home. In between sobs, he told her how he'd rescued Prince Eros only to have him snatched away by Princess Ponita at the last minute. Insulin tried to stifle her yawns of boredom and look interested.
"Well, it seems to me that you'll have to go back out there and get your prince back."
"But how?!" Antenna whined. "I can't leave the sea."
"Oh, but you can. With this" and Insulin held up a vial containing a syrupy gold liquid. "This potion will split your tail in two and transform it into legs fit to seduce any mortal man." Antenna gazed at the proffered potion with a mixture of awe and trepidation. "But there is a price" the sea hag added, snatching the vial away from him.
"What kind of price? I've already spent this month's allowance on poppers and cake."
"Ah, the price is not a material thing. For this potion, I require your tongue!"

"My tongue? Is that all?" Antenna fished around in his handbag until he found what he was looking for and thrust it at Insulin.
The sea hag recoiled in disgust at the worn and discoloured sex aid that had obviously had waaaaaay too much use.
"Eeeyeuch! No, I said not a material thing! Ewww!" Antenna hurriedly shoved the tongue back in his purse, looking shifty and not meeting Insulin's eyes. "No, I meant your singing voice!"
Antenna's demeanor changed at the perceived compliment, not realising his voice wasn't all that he thought it to be.
"My beautiful voice?" A look approaching smugness flitted across his face. So wrapped up was he at the thought of someone appreciating his talent, that he was oblivious to Insulin's eye-rolling.
"Now, listen" Insulin instructed, snapping him out of his thoughts. "You're to seduce the prince and get him to drink this" and her eel-servants produced another vial, this one contained a clear, slightly shimmering liquid. "His lungs will turn to gills so you can bring him back here where I will complete his transformation into a merman." Always one for the theatre of a situation, she added: "And you're to bring him to me by the next full moon, which" she said glancing at her almanac, "is tomorrow!"
Antenna's eyes widened in shock at the task set for him as he took the vials. He opened his mouth to gasp, too, but with sleight of hand, Insulin snipped his tongue off and held it triumphantly aloft.
"Now, go!" she thundered. "Leave my sight and do not return without that prince!"
From the corner, FlotPig and JetTaz hissed at him, narrowing their wonky eyes as they writhed disturbingly together. Still in shock, Antenna swam out of the dark lair as quickly as he could, heading for shore.

~ ~ ~

Hours later, as the sun hung heavy over the horizon, the little merpoof hauled himself out onto the beach below the royal palace. Having nothing to lose, he took the stopper out of the vial and gulped down the thick golden liquid like a pro.

A cool tingle suffused his body, a pleasantly refreshing feeling. Antenna smiled to himself, but a moment too soon. With a horribly embarrassing squelching sound, rather like a particularly wet queef*, his long tail pulled itself apart, forming into human legs complete with absolutely stunning Jimmy Choos.
"Oooooooooh!" he uttered, gazing in awe at his svelte legs and awe inspiring shoes.
Getting to his newly acquired feet, Antenna Bambi-walked over the sandy beach to the path that led up the cliff to the palace. By the time he'd reached the path, he'd almost mastered the art of walking. And by the time he reached the cliff top, his sashaying couldn't be faulted. A remarkable achievement considering how difficult it is to walk in sensible shoes over sand and up rocky cliff paths!
As he approached the palace, he saw the object of his affection topless and leaning on a balcony overlooking the sea. Antenna waved madly, but the cowboy-prince didn't notice and returned to his room. Stamping his foot petulantly, Antenna eyed the burly guards at the magnificent main doors and decided against trying to slip past them. Instead, he began to climb the trellis that led up to his prince's balcony. Yes, in Jimmy Choos!
Nearing the balcony, Antenna heard music. The Moon's A Window To Heaven if he wasn't very much mistaken. He attempted to haul himself over the balustrade, but caught a heel in some greenery, overbalanced and grabbed a couple of palm leaves to steady himself before falling unceremoniously onto his bum when they detached from the potted palms they were previously affixed to.
"Oof!" he said.
"What the-?" came the surprised voice of Prince Eros, and he rushed out to see what the commotion was about. Thinking quickly, Antenna put the palm leaves to what he hoped to be a seductive good use.



"Ummm..." said Prince Eros, clearly not enthralled.
Antenna sagged in despair and began to explain himself. Or tried to.
"I o'ee woh'e 'oo-" He clapped his hand over his tongueless mouth as he remembered too late that Insulin had taken it.
Panicking, he blundered into the prince's room and started flicking desperately through the TV channels until he found something that would do.


 
Prince Eros looked confused. 
Antenna just looked dejected until he spied the cowboy-prince's beer on his side table and remembered the other vial. Surreptitiously, Antenna found the vial in the depths of his handbag and dropped the contents into the beer, all the while grinning insanely in an attempt to look casual and non-stalker-like. 
The planets must have aligned or something, as Prince Eros took the proffered beer and downed it without a second thought. 
Antenna's mad, gurning grin suddenly faded and was replaced with a look of concern as he wondered how long it would take the potion to work. Would he have enough time to lure Prince Eros to the sea before his lungs became gills? 
The question became moot as another problem arose.  
Well, maybe it's not such a problem after all Antenna thought as the cowboy-prince's eyes glazed over and he advanced on the little merpoof, led by something arising that definitely wasn't a problem! 

At the same time, in her shadowy gloom-filled lair, the sea hag Insulin screamed in rage at her useless eel-servants, FlotPig and JetTaz, for their ineptitude. 
In her tentacles she held the potion to turn lungs to gills - found amongst the flotsam and jetsam of their foetid nest. The vial given to the wretched little merpoof, Antenna, she had realised, contained her supply of Rohypnol-laced Viagra!

 The End 


  * I've recently seen that South Park episode with the female equivalent of Terrence & Philip introducing fanny farts to the masses, mmkay?!
 

5 comments:

  1. Rohypnol-laced viagra? You've been brewing again, haven't you.

    *makes note NEVER to drink anything tinged blue*

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  2. ooOoo! This could turn out to be a fun-filled evening, not just for Antenna... cuz I, the lovely Princess Ponita, still have the now hot and very bothered Prince Eros at my castle. I do believe Prince Eros will be wanting some more action after Antenna chucks his Choos and is finished for the night.

    Ride 'em hard and put 'em away wet, is what I say! Yeehaw!! Eros will know what that's all about, being from Texas and all.

    *sashays off to find Prince Eros wearing only chaps, boots and a hat...*

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  3. Yay! The wonky-eyed FlotPig and JetTaz are back!

    *then realizes the depths of their ineptitude*

    Merpoof … ha!

    Who told you that I’m an eye-roller anyway?

    It’s true but nonetheless.

    *laughs hysterically that Beast has no role in this saga, yet again*

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  4. What's that I hear? Is it the ocean? perhaps the wind? Nope...who queefed?

    ReplyDelete