Well, that was unexpected.
It's not everyday one has to shoo a Dame Commander of the Order of the British Empire off one's driveway with a tea towel.
This all came about thanks to a visit from Chrysaor. You know, Medusa's son?
I haven't seen him since he was a surly teenager, but now, five years on, he's grown up to become quite the successful young man. Of course, his success certainly hasn't been hindered by flashing his golden abs in the video for his most recent single.
Anyway, he popped round for a catch-up, some advice on a troublesome spell he's working on, and to see my cousin, Svaathor da Vjis, who's conducting a study on the River Mun in nearby Frogshall.
§
"I think there's someone lurking behind the hedge" I said as I carried a plate of fondant fancies out of the kitchen.
"What?" Chrysaor was on his feet immediately, leaving Svaathor alone on the sofa sipping his Earl Grey. "Where?"
"There" I gestured to the dining room window with the plate of cakes. "There's definitely someone out there. I thought I saw something before when I brought the tea in."
"I don't see anyone" Chrysaor was at the window as I headed into the living room.
Squinting through the agitated, writhing snakes attached to Chrysaor's head, I pointed to the leafless buddleia on the right. "There!" He turned to look and I tip-toed to see over his broad shoulders, both of us catching a glimpse of sequinned red satin.
"Not again" he sighed.
"What? Who is it?"
"Shirley Bassey's been stalking me. I thought I'd managed to give her the slip when I pulled off the A149, but her driver's obviously better than I expected."
"Shirley Bassey?" I was almost incredulous. "Dame Shirley Bassey?"
Chrysaor just shrugged in acknowledgment.
"Why would Dame Shirley Bassey be stalking you, a minor league Greek deity?" I asked over my shoulder as I put the cakes down in front of Svaathor.
"Why d'you think?" he said, directing my gaze to the enormous weapon that hung below his waist. "My massive golden sword! She's fixated on it. Wants to sing about it, or something."
"Well, I'm not having her loitering around here. What will the neighbours think?" I said stifling a blush from gazing a little too long at his impressive implement. "You'll have to get rid of her."
"I've been trying to get rid of her for the past two years! She's relentless!"
I moved back into the dining room and twitched the curtains, peering out onto the front garden. "Oh, no! She's shedding sequins all over the driveway. Do something!"
"Uh, uh. I'm not going out there. Once she gets a hold I'll never get her off again. She's like a limpet!"
"Svaathor?" I despaired. "Can't you do something?"
"Oh, no" he rumbled from the sofa placing his teacup and saucer carefully onto the coffee table. "I don't mind ousting the occasional water nymph, but I have to draw the line at manhandling a National Treasure."
I watched in horror as Dame Shirley staggered up the driveway (I don't think she was drunk, just having difficulty with the gravel), swaying precariously right next to Car.
"She's going to scratch Car with her sequins!" I yelled. It was the last straw. I grabbed a tea towel off the radiator in the hall, and burst out of the front door. "Shoo! Get out of here!"
§
I'd like to say stranger things have happened, but I wouldn't want to be made out to be a liar.It's not everyday one has to shoo a Dame Commander of the Order of the British Empire off one's driveway with a tea towel.
I haven't seen him since he was a surly teenager, but now, five years on, he's grown up to become quite the successful young man. Of course, his success certainly hasn't been hindered by flashing his golden abs in the video for his most recent single.
Anyway, he popped round for a catch-up, some advice on a troublesome spell he's working on, and to see my cousin, Svaathor da Vjis, who's conducting a study on the River Mun in nearby Frogshall.
§
"I think there's someone lurking behind the hedge" I said as I carried a plate of fondant fancies out of the kitchen.
"What?" Chrysaor was on his feet immediately, leaving Svaathor alone on the sofa sipping his Earl Grey. "Where?"
"There" I gestured to the dining room window with the plate of cakes. "There's definitely someone out there. I thought I saw something before when I brought the tea in."
"I don't see anyone" Chrysaor was at the window as I headed into the living room.
Squinting through the agitated, writhing snakes attached to Chrysaor's head, I pointed to the leafless buddleia on the right. "There!" He turned to look and I tip-toed to see over his broad shoulders, both of us catching a glimpse of sequinned red satin.
 |
| Sequins are forever! |
"What? Who is it?"
"Shirley Bassey's been stalking me. I thought I'd managed to give her the slip when I pulled off the A149, but her driver's obviously better than I expected."
"Shirley Bassey?" I was almost incredulous. "Dame Shirley Bassey?"
Chrysaor just shrugged in acknowledgment.
"Why would Dame Shirley Bassey be stalking you, a minor league Greek deity?" I asked over my shoulder as I put the cakes down in front of Svaathor.
"Why d'you think?" he said, directing my gaze to the enormous weapon that hung below his waist. "My massive golden sword! She's fixated on it. Wants to sing about it, or something."
"Well, I'm not having her loitering around here. What will the neighbours think?" I said stifling a blush from gazing a little too long at his impressive implement. "You'll have to get rid of her."
"I've been trying to get rid of her for the past two years! She's relentless!"
I moved back into the dining room and twitched the curtains, peering out onto the front garden. "Oh, no! She's shedding sequins all over the driveway. Do something!"
"Uh, uh. I'm not going out there. Once she gets a hold I'll never get her off again. She's like a limpet!"
"Svaathor?" I despaired. "Can't you do something?"
"Oh, no" he rumbled from the sofa placing his teacup and saucer carefully onto the coffee table. "I don't mind ousting the occasional water nymph, but I have to draw the line at manhandling a National Treasure."
 |
| Car flinching away from an approaching and unsteady Dame Shirley Bassey |
"She's going to scratch Car with her sequins!" I yelled. It was the last straw. I grabbed a tea towel off the radiator in the hall, and burst out of the front door. "Shoo! Get out of here!"
§
Now. Does anyone know a quick and easy way to get sequins out of a gravel driveway?
Like getting glitter off car seat upholstery - not possible.
ReplyDeleteDrat!
DeleteHave you tried popping a bit of old stocking over your nozzle? It should get the sequins to stick to the end of your hose and not pick up the gravel at the same time. Otherwise try using a leaf blower and just foof the glitter into your neighbours driveway...
ReplyDeleteFailing that... Get the Dame to come back and clean up her mess by using her enormous bellows... I'm quite sure that she could suck them all up with just one hearty inhilation...
We don't have a leaf blower, but I like the stockinged nozzle idea. I'm definitely not having Dame Shirley back, though!
DeleteI have an HMY BRITANNIA tea towel at the ready in case the de-sequined Dame Commander Bassey drops by!
ReplyDeleteIt's always wise to be prepared.
DeleteUsually one gets the boy to do it.
ReplyDeleteI'm rather surprised, actually, since I'd pictured your lovely home as much more of a...cottage.
I find cottages to be extremely impractical. They look nice and quaint but, more often than not, have doors I have to stoop through, low ceilings, small windows, so many nooks and crannies to make dusting even more of a chore, and tend to need a lot of expensive upkeep. No. I'll take a nice, bright and spacious semi any day (and when funds permit, a fully detached abode).
Deletewhat do you put in your tea?
ReplyDeleteWhy? Would you like some, Norma?
DeleteWhat is hell are you people drinking at night???? Between you and Cookie.....try a Hoover for the sequins. Or a gay,friends with good suction skills.
ReplyDeleteWell, I can't speak for Cookie, but I did partake of a little tipple of that Black Shuck gin last night. Come to think of it, there was a slight twang to the taste, though? I put it down to the slice of lemon, but now I think about it, it was probably Shuck's rabies...
DeleteSurely there are some enterprising youths looking to make a quick buck who can clean up the sequins from the driveway; or some delinquents looking for community service hours can be put to work. As a last resort, have you given any thought to redecorating the driveway, say adding a disco ball to complement the sequins & give that driveway a dance club vibe?
ReplyDeleteYouths? Delinquents?! Community Service?!? I don't know what type of area you think I live in Mr Swings, but-
DeleteOh. Hang on...
Carry on.
Sigh.
ReplyDeleteFor a sequin incident you call the Magpies, what do you think they are there for?
Sx
Yet again, I am in your debt, Ms Scarlet. I don't know where this coven would be without you!
Delete