Saturday, 31 December 2005

Spectral Christmas gossip

I'm back! My host has been banished to his own subconscious once more.

"Where have you been?" I hear you ask. Even if you're not asking, I'm telling you, anyway.

I spent a most enjoyable festive period (the one without pant paddage) with the Ghosts Of Christmas.

We all spectralised around The Ghost Of Christmas Present's which he shares with The Ghost Of Christmas Future. Ooh, they've got a lovely place. Everything's so modern. Well, it would be what with The Ghost Of Chr - bugger this. From now on its TGOC - istmas Future's special insight. He's always one step ahead in the fashion/design world. He let me have a little go with his insight before some of the others arrived. Judging by some of the presents I'm going to get next year, I know someone who's getting nothing but coal in their stocking for being so cheap and thoughtless (are you reading this, Indescribable?).

TGOC Past was there. TGOC Parallel Universe turned up too but no one spoke to her because she just brags about how good her universe is. We get it! We're the Evil Universe.

TGO Aunty X-mas - She thinks she's in the X-Men because she spells her name like that. You should see her outfit. She robs morgues for clothes like Thelma but without the eye for style and fit. She looks like a new member of the Blue Rinse Brigade at a Tarts & Vicars party. The shame - was slumped in the chair in the corner having been at the cooking sherry.

TGOC Adam very obviously arrived without his wife TGOC Eve. He said she had a headache. I'm not surprised from what I heard. She'd stayed up the night before drinking the entire contents of the stickier bottles from the back of the drinks cabinet. You know the ones: Sloe gin, seven year old Advocaat and that bottle of orange stuff brought back from Corfu in 2002. It's no wonder her kids turned out the way they did.

TGOC Cheer didn't come either. We didn't expect him, not after last years debacle of him trying something new, i.e. The Christmas Mexican Wave. He got up so much momentum that he farted himself through his own arsehole*. Have you seen Alien Resurrection? That scene near the end where the newborn Alien gets sucked out of a two inch hole in the window? Well, it was like that only gassier. I imagine he's dissipated by now...
*Before you say "Who else's arsehole was he going to fart out of, then?", he's something of an anal ventriloquist. He can get in and out of anything what with being a ghost and all.

Anyway, we all had a splendid time playing rummy and gossiping. Apart from TGO Aunty X-mas who didn't stir. Not even when we played that dreadful harlot's All I Want For Christmas Is You at full volume!

Now, I've got to go. It's getting on and the Supernaturals are coming around for a little tete a tete.

* beep beep *

Oh. I've just had a text from TGOC Future. It seems TGOC Cheer has resigned his post and has taken up that of TGOC Meals. Must be because of his current more-than-ethereal state...


  1. Anonymous2/1/06 16:38

    One can see you've had a busy christmas! Only one ghost this year: the ghost of christmas arse. damn brussels.

  2. TGOC Sherry (and lager and cheap plonk) haunted me all of Boxing Day.

  3. M'Lady, that's the very reason I'm glad TGOC Meals (nee Cheer) didn't come! I'm sure you couldn't possibly have been as... fragrant as him.

    Fuckkit: So that's where she went!

  4. Are you sure TGOC Meths didn't take TGOC Sherry's place? Your post seems to imply a definite presence....


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