Friday, May 15, 2009

Almost Haunted


"Pass me that Woman's Weekly, would you?"
"What?"
"The magazine. Pass it to me."
"This one?"
"No. The one with Nanette Newman on the cover holding a washing up liquid bottle and a knitted uterus."
"Here you are-"


* c r r e e e e e e e a k *


Three seconds into the fallen silence, someone whispered: "What was that?" We all looked around wildly, searching for the source of the chilling creak. Suddenly, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle sat up straight and tutted.
"Oh, crap" he said as the door at the far end of the room opened fully.
"Wha-" Sir Isaac Newton began before this happened:



"Shit. It's Yvette Fielding and the Most Haunted crew." Marie Curie rolled her eyes. "We'll never get any peace now. Go on" she said, glaring at me. "It's your turn to frighten them off."
"But... But, I'm not even properly dead!" I hissed.
"Close enough."
"But-" I tried again but was cut off.
"Look. You've been hanging around with us ghouls for long enough to pull your weight when it's needed. And it's needed now. We're bored of scaring off that wailing, shrieking harridan.
"I-" I began.
"No excuses. Just get rid of her" Marie paused, a look of diabolical evil lit up her ghostly face brighter than the radiation that lingered from her life, "or we'll revoke your haunting license."
"Yes" Rod Hull interrupted. "We know you've 'amended' it from haunting to stalking. That poor boy..."
"Oh, OK, then" I sighed in blackmailed resignation.
"Be careful of her monstrous hair" John Inman warned. "Beryl got trapped in it last year and we haven't seen hide nor hair of her since."
"And she had a lot of hide, the fat cow" Sir Arthur sniggered.
"Hey! You shouldn't speak ill of the dead" Rod exclaimed, horrified.
"I don't see why not - She hated me, and I'm just as dead as she is. P'raps even deader."
"Shut up, you two" Marie scolded. "C'mon, let's go to the cinema while IDV gets rid of Yvette."
"What's on?"
"Star Trek."
"Star Trek? Really? I thought that had died a death years ago?"

- - -

And that's how come I haven't seen Star Trek yet. Maybe next week?




13 comments:

  1. *flings knitted uterus at IVD*

    Does this mean you're back?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Stop making excuses and go see it!

    Maybe you could take Yvette. To the cinema, I mean…

    WV: duumpo. Sounds like a comedy name for a big poo.

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  3. I can't believe you havent seen it yet.

    It's excellent!

    Mind you, I can't believe you've become such a blogging slacker, either.

    Lazy cunt.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I plan to watch it on Thursday.

    I'm really excited about it. Apparently Chris Pine looks a lot like that boy

    ReplyDelete
  5. MJ: * ducks *

    Not quite yet. We purchased a wireless router (?) the other day, so as soon as that's set up I think I'll be back.

    Tim: I think I could take her. I'll pull a scary face and say boo and she'll run a mile!

    Duumpo: Isn't that the name of the whale probe?

    P&T: Hmmmph! Takes one to know one.

    CyberPetra: Ooh, so I hear! I can't wait to compare them. Of course, this means I might have to do some celebrity stalking...

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  6. You could do that tongue thingwhile wearing the leopard skin bikini......that frightened the bejazus out of me :-)

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  7. "We purchased a wireless router (?) the other day, so as soon as that's set up I think I'll be back."

    Erm... How long does it take you to plug the fucking thing in and switch it on?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Are you still playing with the knitted uterus MJ flung at you? Where are you?

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  9. I don't know if you're aware but you are leading the polls for Mr. Nude Infomaniac.

    Shocking but true.

    wv: glocoma...which is what people obviously have if they voted for you.

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  10. I cant understand why nobody voted for me :-)

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  11. Miss Scarlet gave you a pity vote, Beast.

    IVD, we regret to inform you that you lost the Mr. Nude Infomaniac title by ONE vote.

    Better luck next year.

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  12. The Star Trek movie was good. This cast was amazing! Though, like I said to CP, I kept waiting for Anne Hathaway to pop up since that dude playing Kirk was in the Princess diaries...But Silar as Spock was a divine choice!

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  13. I love what you two have done with this place. Much better than when you were single.
    My mother once knitted me a uterus but made the mistake of allowing me to choose the wool.

    ReplyDelete