Babyzilla: The Time Vampire

While Uncle IDV is distracted by the camera, 
Babyzilla quickly wolfs down one of the cats.

 Oof! Sorry I haven't been around much. It seems that any free moment I've had has been intercepted by my sister Indescribable and her monstrous progeny, Babyzilla. If I haven't had to go and decorate her hall, I've had to 'zilla-sit when she comes to visit and then promptly buggers off with Inexcuseable! Honestly, that creature guzzles time like Miley Cyrus at an "it's-all-about-me" buffet. 

 Actually, I'm not being entirely fair. It hasn't all been about Babyzilla. There has been a spate of manual labour at The Parents', too. I thought all that was over, but they've recently had their garage converted into a bedroom and muggins here was tasked with decorating it! 

 Oh, and I've painted and wallpapered Inexcuseable's bedroom, too!

 Well, that's all over now (except for a modicum of upcoming garden maintenance at The Mother's request), so I plan to get back to blogging forthwith. In fact, I was just thinking about Hallowe'en: I'd better start looking at "holiday" brochures for our annual trip over the Cusp. After all, we don't want another ham-fisted adventure like this one. 

 Do you?
 

Ghost gerbil

 I thought Gerbil DeVice* was dead.

Gerbil DeVice. Dead to the world after a long day chewing cardboard loo-roll tubes.

 Turns out it was just really fast asleep. I'm glad really, as I don't want another ghost-gerbil incident...

~ cue wobbly soap opera-style flashback effect ~

 We arrive approximately 25 years ago in the family home of The Host, The Sisters DeVice and The Parents. Specifically, in the living room, upon a large, brown, corduroy settee where the aforemention Host and Sisters are sat in front of the telly:

 "But it's true!" Inexcuseable protested with more than a hint of whine in her voice (Don't worry, it was non-alcoholic, after all, she was only about eight).
 "Then why hasn't anyone but you seen it?" I asked her, scratching my arm absently. Indescribable just sat gormlessly glued to the telly, oblivious to the heated conversation going on next to her.
 "Because they lived under the piano in the dining room!" This statement could not really be argued with as the dining room was barely used what with housing the Infernal Piano of Doom and all.
 "What do you mean 'they lived'?"
 "Well" and the way she said 'well' followed by a deep breath meant that she had a long and somewhat preposterous story coming up. "I accidently dropped one of the gerbils an' it was pregant an' it exscaped into the dining room an' it went under the piano an' it had its babies an' the ones it didn't eat sucked her dry 'cos she didn't have any food to make more milk an' I couldn't catch them an' then they died an' now their little skellingtons are under the piano an' I've seen them. So there."
 My mind finished off respelling words adding punctuation marks to Inexcuseable's outburst but before I could reply, Indescribable bashed me in the ribs with her elbow. "Oi!" I yelled.
 "Shh! Telly" she muttered, rubbing the top of her leg though her rah-rah skirt and inadvertantly elbowed me again.
 I scratched the tickle on my arm again as I tried to remember what I was going to say, then an itch on my thigh distracted me further. Suddenly remembering what it was, I turned to Inexcuseable only to see her looking at me with a smug look slapped across her face. "What?" I demanded.
 "Y'know how when you kill a spider or fly or sumfing an' then afterwards the itches you get are their ghosts tormentin' you?" she answered but didn't say any more, clearly wanting an acknowledgement from me.
 "Yee-es?"
 "Well, I can prove the gerbil exscaped." My mind respelled some more.
 "Go on then!"
 "Look through the real to see the spider-ghosts" she said.
 "But we haven't killed any since finding out about their ghosts" I replied, slightly mystified.
 "Just do it!" she demanded.
 I sighed and then relented, focusing my sight through what was real and out the other side. And jumped. "Jinkies!" (we watched a lot of Scooby Doo).
 Crawling over the three of us were the faded little ghosts of two young gerbils. They scampered across our legs and over our arms, scrabbled up Indescribable's bat-wing jumper and jumped across our shoulders.   
 Breaking through her TV-induced stupor for a brief moment, still oblivious to what was happening around her, Indescribable announced: "T-Bag and the Revenge of the T-Set is on next", and we all settled down to watch the show, hoping that the irritating Sally Simpkins would get her comeuppance, and forgetting all about the fading ghostly gerbils.

~ cue an even wobblier flashforward effect ~

 Actually, after looking back, I think that's the real reason Indescribable palmed Gerbil DeVice off on me: She didn't want to deal with its little ghost! She obviously wasn't that oblivious after all.


 Bugger.
     
 

"Blasted invisible barrier! Why isn't this rodent scared of me?"

Bah!

* Yep. You won, LX!

Star Trek Six: The Uniform Discovered

While I was preparing and researching the last post on my 'Stats' page, I had a look at the 'Referring URLs' section. And lo, at number six, with 131 referred pageviews, was this site:

Star Trek Online. Specifically one of their forum pages.

To save you the bother of link-clicking, it appears my Star Trek uniform designs have been recognised! This is what the poster posted on 5th May 2011:

Okay, so browsing the forums this evening, I came across a reference to the U.S.S. Relativity uniform.. I'd forgotten what it looked like so I did a Google search, and came across these... 1, 2, 3, 4

Now, I don't know this person from Adam... but I really.. really like the look of the uniforms displayed.

So.. as a suggestion... would you guys at Cryptic maybe contact this guy? See if he'd be interested in working with you, or selling his ideas for uniforms in game?

There is much hullabaloo regarding the *lack* of 2409 Uniforms, and although I am aware that there is an announcement regarding the Jupiter uniform series, I feel that more options would be better.

Anyone else like the looks of these? And would anyone else like to see them in game?

Saith, and Jolan'tru  *

 
And this is the post that garnered the 131 pageviews:

Star Trek: Voyages That Never Were III

Again, to save your clicking-finger from wearing down to a nubbin, here are the uniform designs - in colour! - complete with 'hideous back stripe' (you'll have to read the forum for the 'hideous' reference. Don't worry, it's only two pages):

Needless to say, I haven't been contacted by anyone from Cryptic wanting to buy my designs, or work with me in adapting them for the game.


Bugger.




* Jolan tru is a greeting used by the Romulans.
 

Top 10 Searches, or: Battle of the Bulges!

In response to MJ's Top 10 Searches post, here are the top 10 not-quite-as-depraved search keywords of all time (in reverse order) that led people (and I use the term in the loosest possible term) to Inexplicable DeVice (the blog, not myselves):

10. Manticore

 Manticore infested biscuit tins must be more common than I thought?

"Ooh, I could murder a custard cream!"

9. Olympic bulges
 This must have something to do with Dinah or that chapeau de tin-foil created by Eros.


 









8. Connor Trinneer bulge
 This could be from any of a number of Trinneer-based posts - more down below (fnar fnar)!

"Bah! No one can see
my abs in this top."

7. Chris Pine naked
 See the number one visited post at Inexplicable DeVice in the section below

"Are you stalking me again, IDV?"

6. Ryan Kwanten bulge
 See the number one visited post at Inexplicable DeVice in the section below

5. Alien Queen
They must have been after MJ...

"Hisssssssssssss!"

4. Chris Pine bulge
 See the number one visited post at Inexplicable DeVice in the section below

3. Bulges
 See the number one visited post at Inexplicable DeVice in the section below

2. Jared Padalecki bulge
 See the number one visited po-  Good gods, I'm sick of writing that bloody sentence!

1. Connor Trinneer
 And here he is in all his buff and bulging glory!

"Mmmm... I'm so buff!"

"Wow! You *are* buff!"

"Sigh... And pretty, too."

Gah! I've read and typed the word 'bulge' so many times now that it has lost all meaning and looks ridiculous!

~ ~ ~

And now for the Top 3 visited posts of all time here at Inexplicable DeVice...

3. An unexpected 'guest'
 I have absolutely no idea why this post should have garnered 2,248 visits?

Just smile and look
elegant, Margo.
This nastiness will
soon be over with.

2. 2008 in review
 Well, Connor-in-his-underwear is bound to be a draw! 4,595 people can't be wrong.

"Shit! Here comes IDV again. Better hide."

1. 2009: A review
 So, here it is: The source of the 15,763 'bulge' searches. Take a bow Chris Pine, Ryan Kwanten and Jared Padalecki!

Oh, and Tim, of course!


P.S. I would have posted this on the same day that MJ did hers, but we lost the interwebs here at Castlette DeVice.

Weak

OK, I succumbed...

I didn't buy a Rheum Palmatum, which was good. Although, I did find an Angelica which I now covet.  I think I'll be going back again next weekend...

Goodbye money...

Inexcuseable wants to go to the garden centre once she gets home from work, and only because Lily's Tearoom does absolutely outstanding food (she always has a bacon & brie baguette).  I have been instructed to go with her - which I don't mind - but it means I will purchase a plant (or twelve) despite giving myselves explicit instructions not to.

Yikes! She's home. Here's my little bit of garden as it is now. In the interests of saving money, I'm hoping that it'll stay this way, but I'm not holding my breath...

EDIT, 17:02 - Well, we're back. And you'll be surprised to hear that I didn't buy any plants. Not even the gorgeous pineapple lily, or a magnificent rheum palmatum, or even the delicate and feathery albizia.

I did, however, end up paying for the three of us to go to the zoo.

Bah!

Sock it to 'em

Does anybody know how to get ghost socks out of a washing machine?*

This is totally unrelated to my
dilemma but I was entranced by
the impressive chest!

The other day, I attempted to wash Grandma DeVise's unmentionables (she's been staying with us for a little while) but couldn't get them in the machine because of all the bloody ghost socks! Initially, I sought the services of a local priest for a quick exorcism, but when I told her what I wanted exorcised she just laughed and said she didn't have time as she was visiting her mother in Cheshire. 
Then I thought of the Ghostbusters, but someone pointed out that they were fictional. Not letting something as trifling as that stop me, I hopped over the Cusp and into the Spine Tower, hoping to open the door into the Ghostbuster's universe. It was not meant to be, however, as the only novel the Ghostbusters spawned wasn't popular enough to get its own universe.
The only other option I thought of involves helping the socks move on by completing their unfinished business.  But what sort of unfinished business can a bloody sock have once it's dead? Besides, there're too many for me to even contemplate going through all that malarkey, so I gave up before I even started.

Help?



* I don't know how many that infernal machine has devoured over the years. Between it and the airing cupboard, my supply of socks has dropped to dangerously low levels.

 

Booktronica

Don't worry. You don't have to take too much notice of this. Its just a reminder for myselves so that when I come to do the end of year review, I know (at least) which books I've read this year.

So far, anyway...

• The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde, by Robert Louis Stevenson

• Deep Cover, by Ian Botham & Dennis Coath
• Fallen Gods (Star Trek: Titan), by Michael A. Martin

• The Picture of Dorian Gray, by Oscar Wilde

• A Stitch in Time (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine), by Andrew J. Robinson

• Summon the Thunder (Star Trek: Vanguard), by Dayton Ward & Kevin Dilmore

• Harbinger (Star Trek: Vanguard), by David Mack

• Rise of the Federation: A Choice of Futures (Star Trek: Enterprise), by Christopher L. Bennett

• Waiting on a Friend, by T. J. Leng*

• What's Past: Distant Early Warning (Star Trek: Starfleet Corps of Engineers), by Dayton Ward & Kevin Dilmore

• The Stuff of Dreams (Star Trek: The Next Generation), by James Swallow

• Not the Royal Wedding, edited by Sean Hardie & John Lloyd (This was the inspiration for my Not the Royal Baby post).

• The Candle Man, by Alex Scarrow

• Allegiance in Exile (Star Trek: The Original Series), by David R. George III

• Calvin & Hobbes: Scientific Progress Goes "Boink", by Bill Watterson

• The Struggle Within (Star Trek: Typhon Pact), by Christopher L. Bennett

• Cold Equations: The Body Electric (Star Trek: The Next Generation), by David Mack

 



* Yes, he's written a book! Well, a novella, really. And it's good, too.  You should buy it.

w-w-w-WOW! Not the Royal Baby excerpts

w-w-w-WOW! Not the Royal Baby edition

Click to embiggen

Tune in later in the week for an exclusive look inside this lavish, access-all-areas, official souvenir magazine of Not the Royal Baby, brought to you by w-w-w-WOW!

 

A name or art in the past?

Absolutely divine! I love this track so much. September cannot come quickly enough.

Star Trek: Voyages That Never Were V

Continued from... Star Trek: The Voyages That Never Were IV

OK. So, a little over two years ago I said I probably wouldn't do any more of these Voyages That Never Were posts as I didn't think I had anything left of worth to show. However, while searching for a cartoon I drew several years back, I found a few sketches of aliens that I thought I might share. Although, after you've seen them, you may agree with two-year-ago-me that they're not worthy...

After I'd drawn the starships and uniforms, I needed a crew to fill them. So, along with the usual humanoid races like the Trill, Betazoids and Vulcans, I set about creating some others...

This somewhat mermaid/man-like alien I called a Ssillaarii. I was going for some kind of serpent look, but it ended up looking like a man in a costume - OK for an actual TV show where it probably would be played by a man in a cheap rubber suit, but not OK for a realistic alien. Which is why I then produced these sketches (below) which, I think, are more natural-looking:
A hammerhead shark-like head, several limbs attached to its upper torso, and a long serpents tail complete with a fin on the end. This Ssillaarii would be a science officer on board whichever ship took my fancy at the time.


The alien in the upper & lower centre of the picture, and in the lower right, is an insectoid species called a Rane. Roughly the size of a human, she would look quite frightening, but would actually be very friendly and an excellent doctor.

This small, winged humanoid started off as quite unremarkable, as you can see in the sketch. However, like the Ssillaarii, I didn't want an alien that looked like a human with wings, and ended up redesigning her to be far more bat-like. Although named on the sketch as a Matarii, I eventually gave that name to a monstrous race of fairy-like aliens. Instead, her species is called the Yattho (the mentioned but not seen race of precognitive aliens from the Voyager episode "Before and After"). 

Ignore Deanna Troi and her crowned companion, I'm more interested in Stick-head on the right. I have no idea what race he's from, but I just like that he looks like Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy!



Oh, look! I've found the cartoon I was after, so I don't need to post any more alien sketches. You may all breathe a sigh of relief.