100

Well! Thank goodness that's over with! I can imagine you all thinking "When's that loon just going to get on and post something else? Lazy git!". I can tell you now, that it won't be today. I'm far too busy. I shouldn't even be doing this.
What I will do is post the first picture, so you can see the comparison. Actually, not the first, because that was just a black square. I'll post the second one:

There. How's that? Just for your information - and for mine because I'm a little forgetful - the first picture was posted on July 22nd. The final one on July 31st. And in between were five others (could've been six).

Now. On to the next post - which I won't be doing today remember (today being August 4th) - I have a title but nothing to post about. The title is: 101 Damnations. What do you think?

Right. Must go. I've got wedding cakes to decorate and dinners to get ready for.


P.S. Yes, it is me. No, I'm not a carrot. Or Dusty Bin. Those aren't claws. Or bananas. I don't have a leopard. That's not my real hair colour - It might've been IDV's once upon a time, but mine (the Host, if you haven't realised) is a chestnut brown. I do have the white bits, though - caused by the stress of having old Witch-face in my head. I can make my eyes glow, too. No, I'm not adopting Qenny's irritatingly catchy song as my theme tune. And, finally: Yes. Witches really do wear pointed hats. To quote Granny Weatherwax "How else is anyone supposed to know you're a witch?" I must admit, I don't wear it very often. Usually only to official functions and when posing for pictures.

Lead balloon

Well. That went down like the proverbial lead balloon.

See, that's what I get for leaving the Host's Subconscious in charge for a few days. I won't be doing that again soon.

On to more important things...

Oh. There aren't anymore important things. However, there is an important thing coming up. The next post will be the 100th. I must think of something special to do. That may take a while, so you may just have to put up with me visiting your Blogs and not updating this thing until that flash of inspiration strikes.

Failing that, you could always give me some suggestions for a 100th post. Although, I'm toying with the idea of doing a theme/special for 101 rather than 100. You know I like to be different. We'll see...

Anyway, answers on a postcard to the usual address.

Found

Higher I fly, yet still caught within, skimming over the burning pool. How easily it is contained now.

How easily it is ignored.

Following the thread of sapphire as it insinuates itself throughout me, I calm and fade.

Drifting along it's crystalline length, wondering how long it can last. Can it last?

Suddenly, interjection:

Here I am.

Twisting

I lay back and close my eyes, feeling the beat pulse through me. Soon I am suffused with white. It is intense and rushing through me, almost blinding.

The pulse becomes a steady thrum and through it I see gold. It flashes through my body from head to toes, glancing from impulse to impulse. I can barely make it out but I know it is there. I know it charges me.

I am soaring through myself. Finding those places I have never been that are so familiar.
I wonder what can be seen in me.

Harshly awoken, I blaze sapphire blue. My gaze soon turns red. A scarlet raging storm, lashing out and burning, twisting, incinerating into the outside. But just for a moment. Just for a moment.

It is soon covered. I turn into myself once more.

And disappear.

Not for this world.

Not yet.

Cannot be arsed

Because I simply cannot be arsed to think up and write a post of my own, I give you "10 Questions we ask everyone" by the good people at heat magazine (they don't appear to have a website so have a look here to see what they're about).

WHERE DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING? Sadly, in my own bed. Alone.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Last week while watching The Core. The bit where Serge got crushed to death in one of Virgil's compartments and Josh was shouting at Bec to open the doors.

WHAT WAS THE LAST LIE YOU TOLD? Ooh, I can't remember. Really. I try not to lie - I endeavour to either mask the truth or omit vital information so as to still be telling the truth, just not all of it. Hmmm... I guess this morning at work would count, when the woman who sits diagonally opposite me came in with a new hair do and I said "I like the way your hair is layered at the front", without saying "Oh Christ! I can't believe you paid for that! What have you done? It's hideous!"

APART FROM YOUR HOME AND CAR, WHAT IS THE MOST EXPENSIVE THING YOU'VE EVER BOUGHT? Well. I haven't bought my home (yet), but I have bought my car (the broom doesn't count - it's the witch's, not mine [the Host, in case you hadn't realised]). Other than a holiday to Corfu in 2002, I think it would have to have been on a statuette of Great A'Tuin the star turtle, complete with the four obligatory elephants, topped off with the Disc. If I remember rightly, I spent about £200 on it. A long time ago, I hasten to add.

WHAT DO YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF? My lack of confidence/inability to make a decision/laziness.

WHEN WERE YOU LAST NAKED IN FRONT OF ANOTHER PERSON? Eeeek! Far too long ago! Probably last summer when I was going out with my then boyfriend (who I actually resisted calling my boyfriend - I said we were just 'dating'. What a twat, eh?). Although, I was practically naked this morning while swimming as my tiny shorts leave little to the imagination!

WHAT'S BEEN THE MOST EMBARASSING MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE? Now, this I really can't remember. I have an amazing ability to wipe out any embarassing incidents that have happened to me. Thank Goodness!

WHO DID YOU LAST RECEIVE A TEXT FROM AND WHAT DID IT SAY? "He did the washing up. Most of it, actually, as I was on the phone!" from my friend Claire after she had me and four others around for dinner. One of the others was a male 'friend' of hers who we'd heard about but hadn't met. I had previously sent her a text saying I noticed his car was still there when I drove past and wondered if she had 'enjoyed' herself!

EVER BEEN CHATTED UP BY ANOTHER BLOGGER? (The question actually mentions 'celebrity', not 'blogger', but I didn't think that counted. Although, feel free to answer with any celeb chat ups). No. Although Toby, Imogen's stand in, was very friendly! I think I have a small crush...

IF YOU WERE INVISIBLE FOR A DAY, WHAT WOULD BE THE FIRST THING YOU'D DO? Go stalking Pete. Hopefully, in this heat, he'd have the day off and be doing his garden. Topless. Mmmmm...


There. That's that. If anyone would like to do their own version, please help yourself. I can't be arsed to tag anyone hence the title...

Wildebeest

I went swimming yesterday morning before work, as is my wont.

A perfectly lovely time was being had by all. It wasn't too busy, there was plenty of room for everyone to get past each other and some of the more energetic swimmers weren't there so the rest of us weren't being constantly splashed in the face as they flailed past.

It didn't last long.

At approximately a quarter past seven, a veritable herd of bimbos emerged from the changing area, cantering and braying their way to the pool side. Long blonde hair in varying shades, from ash blonde to honeyed wheat, flicked from side to side. Hands and arms gesticulated vigorously in time with the bovine chatter emanating from their pouting lips.

I stared in horror from the deep end as these creatures descended on my relaxing swim. Where had they all come from? Why pick now? It's 7:15 in the shitting morning, for Christ's sake!

They cautiously entered the water like wildebeest crossing a muddy river. Edging forward slowly until one was at the front being pushed forward by the sheer numbers behind it. Ever watchful for those dastardly crocodiles.

Suddenly the first one fell into the water, closely followed by a couple more who were pushing her a bit too eagerly. I considered looming up from the deep, gnashing my teeth, grabbing one and dragging it down but then realised it would be a futile effort. The ones at the back wouldn't see and would keep pushing until they were all in the pool, then the sheer multitude would preclude any further room to manoeuver, possibly leaving me trampled to death.

So, uncharacteristically, I gave up. Resigning myself to the fact that my swim would be cut short, I submerged and swam to the far side, breaking the surface and hauling myself out onto the poolside to grab my towel and disappear into the showers.

They better not be there next week!

Suckers!

As soon as I entered the cloud layer below the airship, I dissolved the invisibility hex from around the broom and started it. Positioned astride the long, broad shaft, I hurtled out of the bottom of the clouds, damp but exhilerated!

Describing a long upward curving arc, I soared up and around the blindingly white cummulo nimbus cloud, cresting the top, squinting against the reflected sunlight.

Nearing the airship, I noticed Knight leaning way over the railing, peering down through the clouds. A look of rarely seen worry on his handsome face. As I closed the distance, he looked up, directly at me, the worried expression instantly replaced by one of surprise. Then of anger.

"What the Hell do you think you were doing?" he yelled at me. "I was worried sick. Half of them" and he gestured at the small group of hovering beings nearby, "have gone down there with Dragon after you!"

"You were worried, were you?" I asked him pleasantly.

"Of course I bloody was!"

"So you do have emotions, then. Perhaps you'll be more aware of mine now that I've scared you into admitting them, you git!" With that, I waved and soared off, letting him stew.

Fall from grace

Our massive airship floated amongst the cummulo nimbus clouds like a blue whale amidst a swarm of plankton. We drifted with the clouds, letting the slow wind carry us.

Those who were buoyant in atmosphere or could defy gravity were cavorting and gliding alongside the 'ship. The more adventurous had gone further afield swooping and soaring over the slowly changing cloud formations. The older ones keeping watchful eyes over the younger.

I stood by the ornate wooden rail like an overseer, noticing all and nothing at the same time.

Suddenly, the cloud nearest the 'ship parted and Dragon flew out. Her wings creating spiriling vortices of air with every beat. She beckoned to me to join them before diving into the cloud layer beneath the 'ship.

SIghing, I summoned my broom. I should join them. They were having fun. Why shouldn't I? Why couldn't I?

Hesitantly, I undid the shoulder strap of my uniform jacket then unfastened the front. The black and grey jacket fell to the pale wooden deck in a heap. My metal rank insignia clattering against the hard, polished planks.

Without even trying, I found myself unburdened with thoughts of responsibility and duty. Where had these thought strings gone? Why did I care?

A faint smile played over my lips as they unpursed. I caught Dragon watching me from a not too distant cloudbank, her head cocked slightly to one side. I met her gaze blankly for a moment before turning on my heel and walking away from the railing, entering the shadow under the looming dirigible's gas-filled hull.

Spinning quickly, I ran for the railing, catching a glimpse of Knight exiting the airlock onto the deck. I flashed him a quick smirk, noting the dawning realisation on his face as he saw what I was about to do. He started running towards me but was too far away to ever catch me in time. Turning my attention back to the sky beyond the railing, I saw Dragon hurtling towards me. Like Knight, she was too far away to intercept before...

I leapt over the ornately carved blondwood rail into the sky.

For those moments before gravity took it's inexorable hold on me, I was free. I was air and light. A wisp of nothing. Then I felt it. Felt gravity's hold. Smiling beatifically at Dragon's nearing, horrified visage, I began my long plummet earthwards...

Family Misfortunes

Tragically, there weren't enough of Charis' remains to 'reincorporate' her so we had to have a funeral instead.

I loathe funerals because it means one has to make polite chit-chat to relatives that one only sees at forced family functions. Weddings and christenings are other equally great places to be cheated out of hours of one's life (or unlife, depending on one's persuasion).

It was at Charis' funeral that I got stuck with the vampires from the far branch of the family tree. Luckily, only three could make it: Uncle Raven & Aunt Immaculata DeVyse, and Great Aunt Beryl DeVyse.
Honestly, that old bat* can talk for the Underworld. But only coherantly when she's taken her teeth out. There's nothing worse than Great Aunt Beryl sucking on her fangs to keep them in her cat's-arse mouth as she tells you - in great detail - about how young people don't look after themselves these days.
She only moans because she can't stand the taste of the new blood that's around. She much prefers 'Ye Olde Days' when one could sip from the blue bloods. Mostly because they were all too inbred, insipid and lifeless to put up any resistance. That and the fact she'd eventually acquired the taste! These days 'youngsters', i.e. anyone under the age of 90, have too much spirit, they fight back and, horror of horrors, they're too common!

Anyway, I found myself cornered by the canapes by Uncle Raven and Aunt Immaculata. I hadn't even had chance to fill my plate nevermind pop a vol au vent in my mouth (and they looked like chicken & apricot - my favourites). Uncle Raven began talking at me in his monotonous, level voice about how well his sons were doing in New York. He was interrupted now and again by Aunt Immaculata's breathy** reminders of how much money they were making, or how many young virgin girls they'd either 'deflowered' or drained.

As I squirmed, trying to catch someone else's eye - anyones - in the hopes of striking up another conversation and escaping, Uncle Raven uttered the dreaded words:
"So. Have you got yourself a young lady, then?"

Eeek!

My brain froze and my lips locked. Shit! What do I say? Why hadn't I rehearsed an answer? Why couldn't I remember the translocating spell to get me out of there?

Eventually, neurons and synapses flicked into gear - the wrong one - and I replied:
"Ummm... No. Not yet. Haven't met the right girl." I died a little bit more, inside.

Gaaaahh!

Why couldn't I just say: "Of course I haven't, you silly old sod. I'm a bloody, buggering poof! Are you blind?" before giving them both a withering look and inserting a jumbo sausage roll in my gob with a smug, self satisfied look on my face? Why?

At this point Immolation and Infernal DeVize, my twin cousins from 1746, 'just happened' to glide past smirking at me. Damn their telepathy. And damn them for not rescuing me.




* Almost literally. Beryl's not too good at keeping her shape in her old age. Many's the time we've found her asleep, hanging from the curtain pole with moth wings sticking out of her mouth.

** I think her corset was too tight. She looked like she was being squeezed to death. her boobs were spilling over the top like a couple of wrinkly blancmanges stuffed in two egg cups. Bleeurgh!

Whumph! Zsshzzzhhhssshzzs - whoosh...

Minced and pre-cooked vampire, anyone?

Well, that silly bitch Charis should've opened her eyes. I mean, jet engines are big enough to see from quite a distance...

A Seldom Self

As Charis flew through the still night air, like a blade through velvet, the wind attempted to prize her eyelids open as she slowly accelerated. A shock of moisture drenched her alabaster skin as she hurtled through a cloud, yet still she kept her eyes tightly shut.

Why open her eyes ever again? What good would it do? What more could she see?

Did she even need her limbs? She would never set foot upon the repulsive earth again. Never be sullied by its dirt and doldrums. Never need to reach for its poisoned fruit or grasp its numbing steadfastness.

She let her willowy arms and legs lengthen and stretch, thinning as they did so. Soon they were but ribbons trailing in her wake. Caught in the swirls and eddies that followed in her passing. Eventually she discarded them and they rippled slowly towards the earth below.

I stared at her as I rode beside her in silence. I have no doubt she knew I was flying along with her, stealthy and dark. My silence assured her.

So hot

I'm melting! Melting!

Ohhh... What a world...