For Piggy

* S N A P S *

There. Satisfied, Piggy?

You didn't think there was an actual physical prize, did you? I still haven't got around to posting Snooze's prize for guessing what the initials SP stood for. And, you'll have to share those snaps with T-bird because she made the effort to describe which part of Aliens the quote was from.

Now. No squabbling over it.

An ill wind

Firstly, apologies for my unnotified absence. I would have posted earlier but I was rather vexingly detained on my way back from Tartarus. I'd 'misplaced' my paperwork you see, and almost became a permanent 'resident' what with being a little bit undead.

Anyway, the delay meant that I only just managed to keep ahead of the windstorm that was heading towards home. I really need to get a new, faster broom...


"This is IDV turning on final. Coming around to a seven-zero-niner. Terminal guidance locked in. Where's the damn beacon?*" Then I saw it emerge from the low cloud ceiling. From the twilight haze ahead, the distant city landing beacons became visible and the disembodied voice of the air traffic controller echoed in my head.

"That's a negative, IDV. We've got several nannies primed for dust-off."

"What?!"

"We're expecting an imminent wind change. The met. tower has checked and verified."

I swore under my breath. "Bugger." This is why I hated coming in late ahead of a prevailing wind.

"Please join the stack until the nannies are clear."

I sighed and directed Broom into a holding pattern above the other circling airspace users. Peering down, I noticed a couple of other witches near the bottom of the stack, the nightship above them, a druid atop a surprisingly manoeuverable megalith** and, directly beneath me, Dragon. She waved and grinned, baring far too many teeth for my liking. I smiled insincerely back at her. At that moment, the air traffic controller cut in again:

"Here comes the wind change now. Stand by for some chop."

From the city below, movement caught my eye. Ascending from the big houses were dozens of prim nannies hanging beneath umbrellas and parasols, looking for all the world like seeds blown from a dandelion clock. Much as I loathed waiting in a stack like any of your common or garden arial entities, the sight of that many airborne nannies was truly something to behold. However, my awe was about to be rudely interrupted.

* PHHHHHHAAAAAAAAARRRRRRPBT! *

"Good. Gods!" I exclaimed as a cloud of noxious fumes arose from below me. I covered my nose and looking down to see Dragon looking sheepish. "What ever have you been eating?"

Dragon looked even more abashed.

"Oh no, not those fat kids from the council estate? I told you fast food was bad for you. And just think of your cholesterol levels!"



* Snaps to whomever guesses the film that this line is taken from.
** Well, how do you think they transport all those stones to make henges?

East Angular

Now, before I tell you who guessed the last Item of Interest item correctly, I'd like to present to you this rather amusing take on Kanye & Estelle's "American boy" by Thomsta (whoever he is). It's called "East Anglian boy" and rips the piss out of the East Anglian stereotype, as well as showing off some of our locales. It was featured on Kiss radio station at some point recently - I have no idea when because I don't really listen to it myself.

I would just like to point out that I am not a typical East Anglian boy because, luckily, The Mother's family doesn't come from around here.

Oh, and for the uninitiated (i.e. non-Britlanders), East Anglia is a region of England which comprises the four counties of Norfolk, Suffolk, Cambridgeshire and Essex.



If that video didn't automatically start playing the next one, click here to have a listen. It's how we East Anglians actually speak. Really. Except me, of course.

- - -

Right then, I'd better let you know who guessed the Item of Interest correctly.

It was so nearly 'Petra with "Obviously it's a swarovsky crystal whiskey bottle. You know, the Blake Carrington variety of Dynasty." But Eros was the first to guess correctly with "I was going to say glass window or a new crystal ball, but I'm taking another guess. It's a decanter." He managed to pip you other 'decanter guessers' at the post (yes, you Ponita & T-Bird). Oh, and I know I said you can make up something preposterous, but Tim took it to a new level with "It's the view from the inside of your bizarre bile-and-newspaper chrysalis where you're hibernating after eating Beaky's family."

- - -

Ooh, one last thing: The post title isn't spelt incorrectly. It's a nod to the infamous (well, at least here in the UK and India) Jade Goody's spectacular lack of pronunciation and geographical knowledge.
Here's a transcript of her East Angular conversation with Spencer whilst in the Big Brother 2 house:

Spencer: "You know you see those people in Venice standing on the back of gondolas, pushing it around?"
Jade: "They don't do that on the Thames though, do they?"
Spencer: "No. I don't work on the Thames. I work in Cambridge."
Jade: "Is there not the Thames there?"
Spencer: "No!"
Jade: "Is there a river called the Cambridge river?"
Spencer: "Yeah, it's called the Cam."Jade: "Really? You swear? I only thought there was the Thames. I thought that was the main one in London."
Spencer: "It is. I don't live in London."
Jade: "I'm confused. I thought Cambridge was in London. I knew Birmingham weren't in London."
Spencer: "Would you like to go and tell the group what you just said?"
Jade: "No..."
Spencer: "Cambridge is a city."
Jade: "But we've got a city in London."
Spencer: "Yes. This city is called London. And there's different parts of it. Cambridge is a city."
Jade: "Of where? Kent?"
Jade: "Well England's a country, London's a city, Bermondsey's just a throw-off. Now where are you? What's your country, and what's your things?"
Spencer: "What country am I from? England. The city is called Cambridge, the county Cambridgeshire."
Jade: "So not Kent then?"
Spencer: "Nooooo.... The region is called East Anglia."
Jade: East Angular? That's abroad. Is there not a place called East Angular abroad?"
Spencer: "Jade, have you been taking the stupid pills again?"
Jade: "Every time people tell me they work in East Angular, I actually think they're talking about near Tunisia and places like that. Am I thick?"
Spencer: "Well, I hate to say it, but you are."Jade: "Cos Scottish and Irish and all that comes under England, doesn't it?"
Spencer: "No... They come under Great Britain. Scotland and Wales have their own flags. Northern Ireland and Ireland are different."
Jade: "So they're not together? Where's Berlin?"
Spencer: "Germany..."

Bless.

Items of Interest: Liquid lunch for me, Mrs M.

Ah, I'm already on the fourth in the Items of Interest series. Just goes to show that I've got bugger all else to blog about, doesn't it?

Well, actually, I do have a couple more posts in mind, but they're a bit lengthy and I haven't had time to compose them properly. I might have a go at one of them while I'm in the bath later...

Anyway, back to this post. You know what to do: Guess what the item in question is. Or, at least, make up something preposterous.

Away you go, then!




P.S. The item in question (as can all the other Items of Interest) can be seen in this post, albeit from a distance.

The Worm Has Turned!

Yikes!

I found this daubed on a piece of street furniture at the back of my home:




It would appear that Timothy Elizabeth Leng, concerned at my less than regular posting, has turned from stalkee to stalker to find out what I've been up to that's more important than paying him compliments. Albeit rather blatantly salacious and lascivious ones.

Oh, he might put up a fuss at my 'attentions', but he gets exceedingly jealous if I so much as look at another blogger!

Anyway, it seems he's fought off other would-be stalkers and claimed his territory by leaving his mark:



Looks like he needs a little more practise with the spray control, though. Just look at the run-off on the L & E. Not to mention the faded downstroke on the G.

Come on, Tim. I expected more from you. And how about a little colour next time, hmm?

S is for Something...

nooze has tasked me with this meme. How this memetic works is that you leave a comment on this post, and I'll assign you a letter. Then you write about ten things you love that begin with your assigned letter, and post it at your place. When people comment on your list, you give them a letter, and the chain continues on and on.

I (as well as all others) was given the letter S, so it seems only fitting that the first subject should be Snooze herself. After all, she is ever so delightful. Even though she does get turned on by wearing snugly fitted jeans. Does anyone else have this affliction?


tar Trek: Deep Space Nine.
I like Star Trek in general, but I love DS9. The premise, the characters, the space station itself (and the attached starship Defiant), the ongoing story arcs - It's just like a soap opera in space, but with much better acting and less sex. However, there are bigger shoulderpads - At least, those worn by the Klingons and Romulans are.I especially love the continuing stories being told in the DS9 relaunch series of novels (which are being released far too slowly for my liking).
My hopes are up that the new Star Trek film (out this May) will be just as good. You'd better not dash them, JJ Abrams!


parky Malarkey, the blog-home of Tim, Hottest Blogger Evah!

I think we all know how I('d like to) feel about this particular blogger, so I shall say no more.

* prepares stalking outfit and readies Broom for a 150 mile night flight *



even.

The number, not the film.




Just because.




t. James, Marc. The most adorable, sycophantic, curly-haired, evil minion an ambitious fashion bitch could ever want for. And Wilhelmina Slater from MODE magazine is that bitch.
Michael Urie, AKA Marc St. James in Ugly Betty, has some of the best lines and quotes from the show:
Marc - Whoa. Fill my bucket with nothing but thighs!
Wilhelmina - Relax, Colonel. We all know you prefer nuggets.
and,
Marc - Little glitch. A teeny, tiny, Cindy Crawford mole-sized problem. It seems St. Patrick's is already booked for June sixteenth.
Wilhelmina - What?!
Marc - Oh, what do you get with St. Patrick's? Bad incense and a lot of guilty men in dresses.

unshine.

Now, this could be actual light from the sun, which I'm really missing at the moment. It's been so cold, dark and dismal here in Britland lately. I know it's winter and that I always moan that it's too hot when the sun's out in summer, but I wish spring would hurry up - I'm sure I'm becoming deficient in vitamin D.

Or, it could be the films Sunshine, or Little Miss Sunshine, both of which I feel like watching right now.

auvignon Blanc.
Aahhhhhh... My wine of choice. I particularly enjoy a 2007 vintage from the Marlborough region in New Zealand. Very drinkable!
And, to accompany this delightful wine, I prefer the next S in this meme...


our cream & chive Kettle Chips. Yum!

The only problem with these crisps is that they seem to be inhaled eaten rather quickly.






crabble.

What better way to spend an evening, than to argue about words/spellings/points, endure papercuts from vicious dictionaries, wonder who'll get the Q, fall out with one's significant other and then swipe the board and its contents across the room.

Of course, looking for those elusive tiles down the back of the sofa and in the light fittings can make the morning after equally entertaining.

o, finally, S is for SP. He who helps me drink the wine, eat the crisps and get huffy over Scrabble!









Thank you for a most enjoyable meme, Snooze. If anyone would like to play, just request a letter in the comments and I'll provide you with one.

Over The Cusp: A look back

Because I'm pressed for time-

And lazy.

Quiet you! As I was saying before Witchface's SubC so rudely interrupted, I have very little time on my hands right now, so I've had to resort to re-posting. Kind of. So, if you good Bloggers find yourselves with the excess time that I don't have, here're the links to 2008's jaunts from over The Cusp should you wish to relive the horror. If you don't, you'll just have to lump it! Enjoy-

If you can.

Hmmph!

Timothy Scissorhands

Sleeping Beauty

The Frog Prince

Librarian Girl

Coven Origins

The Prince(ss) and the Pee

2008 in review

This year's ceremony will be rather rushed due to lack of time. Most of it is rushing away through the hole that Continuity Girl obviously bodged when attempting to repair it. Still, I'll make a quick start on what's happened here at Castle DeVice throughout 2008, beginning with the first three months of the year, then the Host will take over for the actual awards. Here we go:

January: French & Saunders go to the movies; A Jake Gyllenhaal interlude; MJ temporarily closed (not her legs or her gob); Six quirks were disclosed.

February: Beaky prepares for 'relations'; Snaps were given at a rubbish award ceremony; Valentines day was spent over the Cusp with Timothy Scissorhands; Chocolate snot; A miserable meme; Broom was temporarily replaced with a Poppins-a-like umbrella; Earthquake!

March: Juno at the cinema; A very disappointing Flash; Rear window jungle; Royal status confirmed; The beginning of Books; Visiting Cybertron; Sleeping Beauty over the Cusp.



The nominees for the most engaging film are: Cloverfield, Juno, Iron Man, X-Files: I Want To Believe and Wall-E. I'm giving this award to Cloverfield as it really drew me in. The shaky, hand-held camera work, the fleeting glimpses of the monster, the sense of fear and panic - All these things really made me believe I was there in New York as the monster went on the rampage.




Oh dear. These films really did nothing for me: Alien vs Predator: Requiem, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, The Dark Knight. AvP:R started off promisingly with an annoying kid getting impregnated by a face-hugger, but it all went downhill from there. Still, it was good for a laugh. However, the most disappointing film was The Dark Knight. I found it too dark and bleak with a convoluted plot and not enough of Arron Eckhart ( * ahhhhh * ) as Two-Face. Plus, what was with Batman's ridiculous voice?




My favourite TV show out of the few I've watched this year: Heroes, Grey's Anatomy, Pushing Daisies, Desperate Housewives and Ugly Betty, goes to Pushing Daisies. It was a refreshing, funny, sweet and stylish show. Such a shame that the first season was cut short by the writers strike and that it has now been cancelled after the second season. I'm hoping that creator/producer Bryan Fuller is able to make a movie to resolve the plotlines.




April: A personal Q&A; Choosing a new Demon Box; April update after Demon Box traumas.

May: Invasion by the bestriped Yorkshire Poofs; A books read update; 'Five things' meme; Little cakes; Beakzilla!

June: The Frog Prince - Over The Cusp for T-Bird's birthday; Movie meme; A service for Broom.



My favourite book contenders are: Star Trek: Destiny series by David Mack, Star Trek Terok Nor series by James Swallow and S. D. Perry & Britta Dennison, and MODE - The Ugly Betty book by Ann Donahue. I have read an awful lot of Star Trek books this year, so it's no surprise to see that they form the majority of this catagory. The Ugly Betty book is a last minute entry from Christmas, but isn't good enough to see off the winner: The Star Trek Terok Nor series. I wanted Destiny to win, but I haven't received, never mind read, the final book yet.





I've only bought two albums (that I can remember) this year, so it makes choosing my favourite a lot easier. Between Seventh Tree by Goldfrapp and Out of Control by Girls Aloud, Seventh Tree gets it. It has a beautiful, modern folk-esque sound which I think will endure longer than Girls Aloud's sophisticated and feisty pop.





The best rediscoveries this year include: Hue & Cry and The Eels, both found on YouTube, and Most Haunted - with the spectacularly crap-haired Yvette Fielding - as reintroduced to me by SP. Hue & Cry have to be my favourites because I bought their 'best of' album.




July: Office dares; 400th post - A postcard from MJ; Growing dragons; More books read updates; Norwich - An actual city; The infamous orange T-Shirt.

August: Gorgeous gingers; Hot older men; Shopping with The Wiggler; How many Civil Servants does it take to answer a phone?; A week at the cinema; Have you seen this Blackbird?; A certain librarian's birthday over The Cusp; Male synchronised swimming.

September: Coven origins; Attack of the giant spider; TV as watched by IDV; Heavenly music; Another book update.



This was going to be the Sexiest Actor category, but Eric Dane would have won (again) easily, so I changed it to Most fanciable Male. The nominees are: Eric Dane (Dr Mark "McSteamy" Sloan in Grey's Anatomy), Zachary Quinto (Gabriel "Sylar" Grey in Heroes), Lee Pace (Ned the Pie Maker in Pushing Daisies) and Robert Downey Jr. (Tony Stark, aka Iron Man). As you have probably guessed, the winner isn't Eric Dane, but Lee Pace!





Best actress nominees are: Gillian Anderson (Dana Scully in X-Files), Jennifer Garner (Vanessa Loring in Juno), Anna Friel (Charlotte "Chuck" Charles in Pushing Daisies) and Chandra Wilson (Dr. Miranda Bailey in Grey's Anatomy). The winner - just pipping Gillain Anderson to the top spot - is Chandra Wilson for her feisty, commanding, yet sensitive, turn as Dr. Bailey in Grey's Anatomy.




October: Tour of Castle DeVice; How the witch became; Wonky-mouthed Beaky; Items of Interest; Margaret 2.0 - The cheeseplant from Hell.

November: The Princess and the Pee; Top Secret Tim - Dreamy in Speedos; 6 weird thing6; Mrs Beaky - The pest of a thousand decibels; Attack of the Smug Marrieds.

December: Explanation of the Sex Pest; Piloting with Goldfrapp; Elephants and a Phoenix; Introducing Audrey; Final book update.



The Hottest Sci-Figure for the third year running is Connor Trinneer (He's still appearing in crappy old Stargate: Atlantis as Michael Kenmore. I haven't watched it, but I don't need to - I know what he looks like)!




And that's it for another year! I hope you all enjoyed it? I've certainly had fun poking around your blogs this year, even if, for the past two months, my new status as a Smug Married hasn't enabled me to visit or comment as often as I used to. I'm sure this will wear off soon, and things will be back to normal in 2009.

Happy new year everyone! See you in 2009.

Bookmatic

I thought I'd better post one last book-themed entry now that the year is nearly out. Up until September, I'd managed to read a paltry 17.5 books this year.

I haven't really got a great deal to add, and I certainly can't be arsed to write proper reviews (not that any of the previous reviews were in any way 'proper'). Instead, you can just read the links if you're really that interested. So, on with the show:

18 - Fearful Symmetry, by Olivia Woods.

This book is a flip-book: The first half deals with part of Kira Nerys's life, and the second half - for which one has to flip the book over and start from the back cover as if it's the front - deals with her alien double's during the same time frame. It was supposed to be released last year but was delayed until spring of this year, then delayed again until summer. The UK was supposed to get it in August or September, but I didn't manage to get hold of a copy until October! During the final delay, I'd read some reviews that praised the first half but weren't so keen on the second. If memory serves, most reviewers mentioned that Iliana's story was rushed compared to Kira's. I'd like to report that I found the second half far more interesting than the first - Not that Kira's story was dull. Far from it. It's just that I'm already familiar with Kira's life from watching Deep Space Nine, so her Cardassian doppelganger's story was all new and thoroughly engaging. However, I do think it could have done with being a little more detailed, but that's the price one pays for having only half a book dedicated to each story.


19 - Gods of Night, the first Star Trek: Destiny novel by David Mack.

David Mack is my favourite Star Trek author which is the primary reason why I bought this book (and the following two in the trilogy). You see, the Destiny series also features the Borg - A vastly overused and, up until now, unconvincing foe for the Federation Starfleet and our heroes aboard the Enterprise-E. Luckily, the author has turned the Borg into the almost unstoppable threat that they once were in The Next Generation episode "Q Who." The second (and only other) reason for this purchase, was my curiosity about Ezri Dax's promotion to Captain of the USS Aventine. The last time we heard about her was 'back' in 2378 when she was second officer of Deep Space Nine, under Captain Kira and Commander Vaughn. The Destiny series is set three years later in 2381, bringing DS9 up to the same time frame as the TNG and Voyager novels.


20 - Mere Mortals, the second of the Destiny trilogy by David Mack.

Oh. My. Gods! The Borg are pant-shittingly terrifying. I've never been so caught up in narrative before that has made me so apprehensive and nervous. I simply can't imagine how Starfleet and the other races are going to survive following the cliffhanger ending.
I can barely wait for the final book to be delivered early next month.


21 - Mode, by Ann Donahue.

After the horror of the Borg, this magazine-like book (a Christmas present from SP) that accompanies the Ugly Betty TV series is a refreshing bit of fluff. It's packed with information about the show, the characters, quotes and more. Highly entertaining and a recommended read for Ugly Betty fans.


.5 - Calvin & Hobbes, by Bill Watterson.

I've just begun re-reading the entire comic strip again, starting with the first collection. The reason for this is that SP hadn't heard of Calvin & Hobbes, so I thought I'd introduce him to it, but what actually happened was that he couldn't tear himself away from the TV, so I started reading it out of boredom (he was watching something crap). I've only read half of this book so far, but at least it means I can add it to the half of Marshmallows For Breakfast that I read earlier in the year making a whole book.
So, I've managed to read the tidy sum of 22 books in 2008, which is much better than the few I managed in 2007.


And that's your lot. I'm going to have a quick skid around Blogland before dinner, to catch up with what you've all been doing, seeing as I haven't been around for the past week or so. Hopefully, I'll have time to compose the annual 'Coven Awards' review for the 31st, but don't hold your collective breaths.

Um... Happy new year just in case I don't get back here before January.

AWOL

I shall be elsewhere for Crimbleene, probably over the Cusp, so I shall have to tell you all about it when I return. Presuming I'm able to return, that is.

I'm sorry I haven't had time to get around to everyone's blogs lately - I may be able to squeeze in a quick lurk here and there before the 25th, but don't count on a witty, topical comment. So, for those who do: Merry Christmas! For those who don't: Bah! Humbug! And for those who have yet to make up their minds: Meh.



For anyone who is confused by the leopard print swimsuit, I shall direct you to MJ's. Please click here and scroll down.

An unexpected 'guest'

I've been trying to keep Witchface from SP - diverting all my mental energies to keep IDV and the SubCs under wraps. After all, I don't want to scare him off. However, a heretofor supressed SubC has come to the fore, taking advantage of my distraction.

Her name is Audrey.

She's a frightful snob and almost everything makes her pull a face. I can only describe her as a cross between Hyacinth Bucket and Margo Leadbetter. SP knows when she's about to make an appearance because I, the Host, become silent and a faint sneer appears. Audrey materialises in sneer-form first which lets SP know to change his behaviour.
For instance, last night, SP came home late* from a work party.

* cue wobbly soap opera-style flashback *

"Hello, my boyfriend" I greeted him.

"Aah, hello, my boyfriend.** Sorry I'm an hour or so late."

"Don't worry. I'm just pleased you had a great time - I really thought you'd be bored senseless after last night's work do."

"Not at all. The clients are so much more fun than the stupid work colleagues. I'm so hungry - I had to stop off on the way home and get some food."
Involuntarily, my hand reached out for the bag and pulled out a frozen pizza and a massive bag of chilli Doritos.
"Don't look at the ingredients!" SP almost shouted in a panic. But it was too late. I had been silenced and Audrey's sneer had arrived, followed by a gasp of horror.

"You can't eat these! The ingredients reads like a who's who of the periodic table, plus all their offspring and incestuous cousins." Audrey was aghast. Even more so when she clocked the E-numbers. "And look at those Es, SP - There're enough to supply an illegal rave!" At that, she promptly pulled out a doily, placed it on a chair and sat down, fanning herself.

* wobbly flashback wobbles out of existance *

I hope she's not planning on staying.



* We're not living together. Yet. I was looking after his dog.
** Feel free to vomit.

Hot chocolate

Remember that phoenix egg I acquired a while back? And those tiny hot-footed elephants?

No. Neither did I until this morning. I'd gone outside to put some sultanas out for poor Beaky, not realising that I'd left the back door open. It seems the elephants - who'd set up a little colony amongst my plant pots - decided that this was their chance to get inside and hibernate in the warm.
I got back inside and discovered them kicking the phoenix egg around with their red-hot little feet. They'd found the egg in the nook by the radiator in the dining room, obviously deciding that the nook was where they were going to hibernate, and were attempting to kick it out of their way. The egg was covered with lots of hot little footprints and was glowing quite brightly.
Before I could stop them, there was an ominous cracking sound and a flash of light.

* WHOOOMPH! *

Drat. There go my eyebrows again. And half the dining room.

Now I have a massive, charred and blackened hole in the wall with a pool of molten radiator beneath it. To top it all off, somewhat more worryingly, the newly hatched phoenix flew off towards the gasworks at the end of the road. So, if you don't hear from me in a little while, it'll be because half of Norwich has been blasted off the face of the planet! On the plus side, I didn't have to make any sandwiches to take to work - I had crispy fried elephant.

- - -

And now for a Tim-style aside. Although, it's more like an end*...

For the last couple of days, I've had Kylie's Chocolate floating around my brain. I blame CyberPetra. You know how I like to share, so, here it is for your delectation:

* Not his end, unfortunately...