Inexplicable DeVice

Rear Window II

2011-06-01T11:17:00.000+01:00

A week ago, during a lull in the first proper rain we've had here in Norwich for three months, I spied a rainbow from the kitchen window. I grabbed my camera and took some photos - These are them:

This flurry of photographic activity at the back of the house reminded me of this meme post from three years ago, as nabbed from Mr Frobisher.
Because a considerable time has passed, I think it's high time we had another go at this, don't you? So, I challenge you all to post pictures from your kitchen windows so we can all have a beak.

W-W-W-WOW! May edition

2011-05-29T22:31:00.001+01:00

Yes, it's the end of the month, so another edition of What the Wicked Witch Watched and Other Whimsies hits the stands. This time, due to Indescribable's nuptials on the 14th, it's a special wedding issue! And, yes, that's her on the wraparound front cover about to elbow her husband in the face. Actually, the background of the Features index is her, too. Well, her bouquet, Greek goddess-inspired frock and her decolletage - Don't worry, I faded it out a bit to spare you the horror.
Now, I had planned to return to blogging full time* at the beginning of this month, but I was under orders to make Indescribable's wedding cake, plus a birthday cake for a Work Hag's huntsman (not quite)hubby - you may see it in it's blood splattered gory glory below - as well as deal with our burgeoning vegetable patch - also below - and a clonked Car! All these tasks meant regular(ish) blogging went out of the window. Again. Perhaps I'll return in June?

Poor, poor bunnies. The fish? Meh. Whatever.

On the left: Vegetable patch as of 2nd May. On the right: 29th May, repleat with (from left to right, ignoring the pots full of lupin, hollyhock, lavender & foxglove seedlings) runner beans, peas, Little Gem & Iceberg lettuces, spring onions, carrots, more beans, a pumpkin, tomatoes, red & green curly leafed lettuces, a courgette, more peas and even more beans. I don't even like beans, so I hope SP is going to eat them all!

A clonked Car. Not clonked by me before you start pointing accusatory fingers. Car was waiting patiently for me to finish my swim and was unceremoniously reversed into by another Alfa. Luckily, we Alfisti stick together so the clonker left a note with her details which means Car should be as good as new imminently.

Actually, speaking of June (up there, before the photos), you may notice that the DVD for Attack of the Smug Marrieds is out in June. June 7th, to be precise, which is the Director's birthday, coincidentally.

And with that, I bid you a short goodbye. See you in June!

* That's full time for me, not everyone else's full time - i.e. two or three posts a week, give or take. Mainly take.

Witches getting on Beast's wick

2011-05-20T00:01:00.010+01:00

It didn't take long for the blood to stop rushing to his brain and the almost overwhelming nausea and vertigo to fade. As the gold and blue fireworks cleared and his vision returned, he noticed the vast expanse of reeds around him and a distant mansion at the end of a sweeping gravel driveway.
There were voices, too, in mid-conversation.
"Of course, I wouldn't know a snowy egret if I were pissing on one. Lunch?"
"I think it's a little late in the season."
"For lunch?"
"No, pissing on birds."
There was a pause which was when he realised that the two, very familiar, conversationalists were staring at him. Quickly taking in his surroundings, adding two and two together and resignedly coming up with four, he despaired and his shoulders fell.
Oh, no, he thought to himself. Oh, please no. Outwardly, he sighed at the realisation that he'd been dragged over the Cusp again without so much as a by your leave. It was his bloody day off from Cafe C and here he was, over the bloody Cusp in bloody Eastwick, dressed as bloody Fidel to do the bloody bidding of Tim bloody 'Van Horne' and 'Alexandra' bloody DeVice. Plus the rest of the bloody Coven, no doubt. If he'd surmised correctly, they were at the point in the story where Van Horne had invited Alex for lunch - read: banquet - which he, as Fidel, was to prepare. Bloody. Hell.
And to make matters worse, this was yet another non-speaking part. And on his birthday too!
By this time, the stares had turned into baleful gimlet glares with no small amount of contempt evident. Nodding submissively at Tim's unspoken order for an elaborate lunch with which to woo IDV, Beast's shoulders slumped even more as he trudged off towards the mansion kitchens.

A hard day's work later found Beast grappling with suspiciously stiff and stained bed sheets following Tim and IDV's 'retirement' after the lavish meal he'd prepared for them. He shuddered at the memory of them discussing the size of his Roy Cropper bag as if he wasn't right there waiting on them hand and foot, all the while wolfing down his exquisite succulent pork balls and sausage in cider (complete with glistening tomatoes and a constellation of assorted salad vegetables, studded with black olives. Somewhat bizarrely, he thought, they'd declined his kipper surprise). A whimpering that was loud enough to be heard over the crunching of folding sheets snapped him out of his reverie. It was coming from the en suite bathroom. Dropping the sheets with a thud, Beast gingerly opened the door and peered into the steamy room. There was someone curled up in the shower, rocking and crying. It was Tim!
Sighing, Beast prepared himself to comfort the poor boy following IDV's relentless pestering and innuendoing amongst other unmentionable things. Although, quite why Tim put up with it, and even came back for more, was beyond him. Perhaps Tim actually liked it?

That evening, after rushing around getting the washing in after the witches made it rain while playing an infernal game of tennis, vacuuming the entire mansion and clearing up hundreds of balloons from the grand hall & staircase, an exhausted Beast was labouring again over a hot stove to create a meal fit for a ~~bunch of~~ queens. Tim, now fully recovered thanks to Beast's tear & snot-sodden shoulder, along with IDV, Cyber'Jane' and Princess 'Sukie', were mucking about on the poolside, oblivious to all the hard work Beast had put in. To make things worse, Mr C had lumbered Beast with Alfie & Lloyd while he went out to purchase new swimming trunks after the aforementioned Hell Hounds had devoured his existing pair. Gods knew how Mr C had managed to get them over the Cusp. Beast suspected Mr C's demonic inklings were more than just inklings.
With dinner finally ready, Beast wiped the sweat from his brow, pulled off his pinny and picked up the dinner bell before walking out to the swimming pool. Fighting his way through the sheets draped around the room (well, he had to hang the bloody washing somewhere to dry out after that magical rainstorm, didn't he), he raised his bell-hand intending to give it a good shake. However, Alfie & Lloyd got there first. Alfie jumped up at the bell while Lloyd wound himself around the hapless Beast's feet, tripping him up.
Time seemed to slow down as Beast plummeted to the hard tiled floor. He watched the bell describing a perfect arc through the air as it fell from his grasp. He saw the strings and globules of slobber spray out from Alfie's gaping maw as he lunged for the bell. And he noticed the witches levitating over the pool, laughing and giggling while Tim watched from his vantage point, reclined on a chaise longue eating cherries.
Then the bell, narrowly escaping Alfie's snapping jaws, landed with a crash on the tiles. The loud, jarring clang brought time snapping back to it's normal flow and, with it, screams from the witches, all three of whom fell unceremoniously into the pool fully clothed. Beast permitted himself a gleeful smirk. His mirth at their misfortune was short lived however.
"Beast!" Tim yelled. "What the hells are you doing? Stop messing about with those dogs and help the... Girls" he grimaced, "into some nice, clean, fluffy bathrobes." Before he could reply, Tim continued. "And we've run out of cherries - Fetch some more. Preferably some that haven't 'enjoyed' the same experience as your bananas. Oh, and don't bother with dinner - We had pizza delivered earlier and aren't hungry anymore." Beast stood up with his mouth agape. "Well? Snap to it, then!"

The next morning found poor Beast armed with a pair of tongs at the poolside, picking up pieces of Tim's ripped Speedos from the swathes of cherry stones that littered the tiles. He'd politely shunned Tim's request to don rubber gloves for the task, due to his phobia, so as not to contaminate the Speedos with Beastliness, hence the kitchen tongs. He tried not to think how one small pair of trunks could get torn into so many pieces, but knew he'd be consoling Tim very soon when he remembered the 'guests' Tim had been 'entertaining'. Tim usually sold the worn, unwashed trunks on Ebay along with various 'during' photos to various perverts (none of whom live in Norwich, by the way. None at all.) which was how he funded his materialistic, hedonist lifestyle.
Picking up the last shred from the Speedo jigsaw, Beast jumped as Tim bellowed at him from upstairs.
"Beast? Get my car ready," he commanded. "We're going out to get breakfast. Bagels and ice-cream. Now!"
Giving a world-weary sigh, Beast popped the last bit of Speedo into the zip-lock bag containing the rest and headed out to the garage.

In what would have been a hair-raising journey had he got any later, Beast was deposited in the market place while Tim roared off in his MINI Club~~foot~~man for ice-cream. Despite his repeated offers to chauffeur Tim into town, Tim had refused, citing Beast's tendency to drive like an old woman.
Fifteen minutes later, Beast emerged from the hardware store laden down with purchases. It was then that he noticed the wind had got up somewhat. Suddenly, a gale-force gust blew through the market square carrying Tim with it amidst a cloud of feathers. He was filthy - Covered in mud and half-digested cherries, and his clothes were torn and ripped where they'd been scraped along the tarmac. After a brief struggle, Tim managed to get in the car and roared off leaving Beast standing alone with his armfuls of shopping.
Oh, well, Beast sighed to himself. It's probably best that he left me here. I'm sure I don't want to know what they're up to now. Although, I imagine the clearing up will be left up to me again. He huffed and began the long trudge back to the mansion. Perhaps Mr C's tyrannical ruling of Cafe C and his diva rants aren't so bad, after all? he pondered. And at least I haven't had to deal with MJ in this whole Cusp debacle. Speaking of ~~witch~~ which: I wonder where that old baggage is? She's always a part of these adventures.
It was then that he noticed someone on crutches, determinedly headed towards him across the green in front of the church, a steely glint in her eyes and a glassy glint of a bottle of Jameson's sticking out of her pocket.
Oh, dear. I spoke too soon...

The end?

~ ~ ~

Happy birthday, poor belaboured Beast!

~ ~ ~

All Beast photos courtesy of MJ. To find out more about poor Beast, why not click here for MJ's thoughtful snippets about him from last year.

W-W-W-WOW! April edition

2011-04-30T00:01:00.000+01:00

~ ~ ~

I'm still not back, by the way.

Soon.

Maybe soon...

Beast has The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts!

2011-04-27T21:18:00.003+01:00

Yes, those vile and contemptible shorts that we equally loathe and covet are in the UK once more!

See with your eyes the pan-global journey the 'Shorts have taken since their inception back at Christmas in 2004:

No, your eyes do not deceive you. I have, at long last, recreated the FGES Map!

For a definitive history of the 'Shorts illustrious 'caretakers', please click here to visit MJ's.

You'd better get your thinking caps on (I just hope they're not as disease-ridden as the 'Shorts) as Beast will be holding The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition soon. I hope.

~ ~ ~

By the way, this doesn't mean I'm back: I've had this post prepared since the 5th of February!
I may pop back at the end of April to post this month's wwwWOW!, but that'll be it for a while.

I hope you're all behaving yourselves?

* snort *
* snigger *

Ahem.

I Aten't Dead*

2011-04-03T13:22:00.000+01:00

As you have no doubt surmised, due to my sporadic appearances both here and at your own blogs, I haven't had much time lately to visit the Blogworld. Hells, I've barely had time for any witchy activity over the Cusp! So, what I'm about to tell you shouldn't come as that much of a surprise:
I, the Host and the SubCs are taking a blog-break.
At the moment, I don't know how long this will be for. It may be a week, a month, or even longer. However, for those of you rejoicing and cheering, I will return at some point, so: Ha! Sorry to spoil your fun.

I was going to post this on the first, but thought you may misinterpret it as an April Fool, so, I've left it until now to ensure that all of you across the globe in your quaint little time zones, have left the first of April well and truly behind so there can be no confusion.

I'll leave you now with a few more cakes to keep you going - Lemon & coconut, for the curious amongst you. Oh, and if and when Beast receives those infernal 'Shorts, I'll pop back and post the new Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Map. I look forward to catching up with your various adventures when I'm back - Soon, hopefully.

Be good. Or at least not too evil.

* Click here and scroll down to the third paragraph to see where I nabbed the title from.

W-W-W-WOW! March edition

2011-03-29T21:31:00.000+01:00

No time to write anything (other than this) - See you in April!

Gayer Cake

2011-03-26T14:08:00.002Z

Note to self: Don't decorate cakes when bored...

... They turn out gay.

Shit! What was that?

2011-03-22T00:01:00.002Z

Oh bugger. That was my youth.

Thank you, ExcelsiorUK.

Babysitting nightmare

2011-03-15T00:01:00.000Z

So much for a relaxing night in in front of the telly. SP only agreed to 'babysit' Medusa's son - then promptly went out himself leaving me to deal with the gorgon-spawn.
I don't know why he even needs babysitting? I mean, he's bloody 19!

Oh, don't look the image in the eyes - That whole petrification thing still works.

Hmmm... Probably should have mentioned that first...

Who turned the Ley lines off?

2011-03-13T13:57:00.002Z

Someone took out Norfolk's Ley lines last night causing no small amount of aerial consternation.

I was on my way back from Indescribable's last night, having had a 'consultation' about her wedding cake - She's getting married in May and ~~asked if I would~~ ordered me to make & decorate her cake. Anyway, after lots of shouting, arguing and gnashing of teeth, I left on Broom under the cover of darkness, nursing overloaded eardrums and the assaulted logic-centre of my brain. It was because of this that I wasn't really taking much notice of where I was going. I figured I'd just get to the Norfolk border and use the Leys to guide me home.
For those not in the know, Ley lines are not otherworldly, or magical in themselves, just alignments of certain places of geographical interest. However, for night flying, some enterprising entity illuminated the lines with a low-level thaumic charge to aid in navigation for those of us with second sight. Last night, however, Norfolk was dark.
It was only when I got to ~~Evilden~~ Elveden that I noticed how dark the countryside before me was. Luckily, I was flying over the A11 which went all the way to Norwich, so I just followed it, zeroed in on the illuminated Cathedral then turned right just before the airport (Norwich International, what with Norwich being a city and all), narrowly avoided a couple of nuns in a Mini-Metro* (who'd instigated a sudden left turn without putting their indicator on) by descending at speed into our cherry tree.
Needless to say, I am understandably livid. And scratched & bruised - When I moved in with SP, I thought I'd left cherry tree related injuries** behind me, but oh no, SP had to have a cherry tree in his garden, too. There must be some correlation between the supernatural and cherry trees...
Anyway, I have a feeling those Hoodie warlock hoodlums are at the bottom of the thaumic blackout, so I'm just off to do some sleuthing (think a cross between Angela Lansbury's Jessica Fletcher and Eglantine Price but without the old lady costuming) to find out for sure, before giving them what for!
I just hope the Leys will be charged up again soon, as I have some important after-hours business to attend to imminently.

* Quite what they were doing 500 feet up in an ancient, usually land-based Austin, I don't know. Although, I have heard that the Chattering Order of Saint Beryl has opened a convent in the area, which would explain a lot...
** To read more about cherry trees, click here, here or here.

Star Trek: Voyages That Never Were IV

2011-03-09T21:40:00.000Z

You may be pleased to hear that this will probably be the last of these Voyages That Never Were posts as, although I have loads of old sketches and designs left, none of them are worthy of publishing. Although, there's always the possibility that I'll create more 'masterpieces' when bored or full of flights of fancy!

As you can see, I liked my spherical hulled starships back whenever I created these images.
The Atlantis-class vessel (above) would have been a TOS-era ship, probably first commissioned circa 2235.
The little Darwin-class ship (left) never made it past the sketch stage even though I liked the front view and how the secondary hull looked like it was upside down in the side view.
The T'Seren-class ship (below) I envisioned being partially designed by Vulcans (hence the name-see the last point) and brought into service in the 2340s as science & research vessels. I liked the yacht-like lower secondary hull, the elegant nacelles-the front of which look slightly like the bow of a Vulcan long-range shuttle, and the smooth simplicity of the spherical primary hull. I named it after Mount Seleya, on Vulcan.

Here we have four starships from different eras. The Sagittarius-class starship at the top is my favourite - It's a kitbash using a refit Excelsior-class primary hull & shortened secondary hull with Akira-class nacelles & pylons.
The Corona & Valiant-class (a different design to the first starship of this post) are from the TOS era, and the Reliant-class (named after the Miranda-class USS Reliant that Khan commandeered in Star Trek II) from the late 2290s.
I believe I traced some of the components from the Star Trek Encyclopaedia - There's very little freehand detail in these four starships.

The Sirius-class starship (below) was my interpretation of a capital ship from the TNG movie era - Perhaps the late 2370s or early 2380s. The rough sketch bears the name Excelsior, and I intended it to replace the original Excelsior NCC 2000 after almost 100 years of exemplary service.

And that's your lot. Enjoy. Or ignore... And thanks for being patient!

Star Trek: Voyages That Never Were III

2011-03-06T21:28:00.001Z

I've had a busy weekend tidying, sorting and rearranging, and, therefore, have had little time for blogging again. So, in the absence of anything more interesting, may I present to you the third in the series of the Voyages That Never Were. As before, all these sketches are from years past. I'd probably drawn them some time in 1997 as the quilted shoulder uniforms that inspired these were first seen in November/December 1996 when Star Trek: First Contact and Deep Space Nine Rapture aired.
As I said to Princess in the comments there, "My freehand sketches tend to have somewhat bizarre proportions - in or out of a black hole." So, here are some ideas and variations of Starfleet uniforms modelled by those small of head and broad of shoulder:

These uniforms were based on those designs of the late 2360s-early 2370s and 2373 onwards era but using the department colours of the late 2270s-2350s, or thereabouts.

And these are the final designs:

And just to finish off with, the following sketches are of a masculine suit inspired by Seven of Nine's first silver spandex costume. There are also some Borg & Xenomorph oddities to peruse, too:

Star Trek: Camelot

2011-03-05T00:01:00.000Z

You can thank my sister, Indescribable, for bringing this to my attention and, therefore, to yours.

Where's Witchface?

2011-03-03T16:22:00.003Z

Well, I expect you want to know what I've been up to seeing as I haven't been around much lately?

Don't you?

Ah, well. Even if you don't I'm telling you anyway!

Firstly, I'm going to let you know why I've been absent: It's because I've been exceptionally tired. And not for the reasons you may think.
No. I've been walking to work for the last few weeks. More, actually. I started walking when the weather was really bad and the foot or so of snow we had didn't disappear because it was so cold! Now, work is only three miles or so away, but navigating through the snow and avoiding incompetent drivers added about 20 minutes to the normal 10 minute drive. Plus, I usually park about a mile from work (because I refuse to pay the extortionate car park prices) which means I have a 15-20 minute walk anyway.
So, I decided to walk to and from work - 40 minutes each way - which meant getting up earlier and, therefore, getting home later than usual. And once home, I still have my Desperate Housewife duties to attend to as well as walking Moom!
To top it all off, work has been exceptionally shit lately which I find tiring. Depressing, stressful and frustrating - These are three of the nicest words I can use to describe it. Ug. I don't even want to talk about it anymore.
Now, you might ask why I don't use Broom for the commute? Well, it's because the mornings are too light now to go flying around for all and sundry to see. Plus, the Civil Service doesn't take too kindly to witchcraft, for some reason, and therefore doesn't provide the requisite landing facilities for non-VTOL (Vertical Take Off & Landing, for those not in the know) brooms.
[Broom via]
The one good thing about all this walking is that I'm not using Car so much. This is a good thing because petrol is now £1.27 a litre! Or at least it was a week ago when I last filled up - It's probably £1.30 now. £71.00 it cost me to fill up. Seventy one shitting pounds! And to make matters worse, I had to fork out £245.00 for a year of Road Tax. It's ridiculous! I don't want to talk about this anymore, either.

So, I suppose I'd better tell you what I've been doing. Sadly, due to the above reasons, I haven't been doing much.

Along with SP, I've entertained various family & friends, including an exceptionally hot demon who works with SP. I'm going to have to keep an eye on their burgeoning bromance. Actually, it's gone well past the bromance stage - They're now calling each other Work Husbands!

I've tidied up the garden and got rid of the corpses of those plants that didn't make it through the bitter winter, and there were a lot of them, let me tell you. This spring is going to be very expensive...
One of the casualties was an old 'friend':
Margaret 2.0's whithered carcass has been ~~tastefully interred~~ hacked to bits and dumped unceremoniously onto the compost heap. Unfortunately, SP wouldn't let her in the house due to her size (too many glasses of fertiliser on the paysho, methinks), so she was banished to the sunroom. Which gets very cold in winter due to having no heating and far too much ventilation - Basically, it's shed with windows. Poor Margaret couldn't cope with a second vicious winter in that room and gave up the ghost.

Here she is in happier times with Car:

Last weekend I half prepared the vegetable patch - I'll finish it off this weekend, weather permitting. I also pruned the cherry trees - Well, I pruned one and had a half-hearted attempt at the other before giving up after being stabbed one too many times in the eyes by errant twigs.

Only a few books have been read, but plenty of Sudoku has been done!

Today I had a much needed day off work and went clothes shopping. It turned out to be most successful, to my surprise. I managed to find some slim-fit black casual trousers that were long enough in the leg, three fitted shirts and two thin jumpers to go over them, a nicely detailed long sleeve T-shirt plus some bargain hi-cut canvas boots (that I'm sure 'Petra won't approve of).

I've also been making other worlds and living other lives.

Right. I'm off to unwind with my iTim.

W-W-W-WOW! February edition

2011-02-26T13:03:00.001Z

Andrew Lee Potts special edition

Well, that's another month almost over with and what have I got to show for it? Barely anything. I can hardly even remember what I've watched on TV. Actually, it was pretty much the same as last month, but at least March will be better as Primeval has finally finished (at least until May) - What a crock that was. I only really watch it for Andrew Lee Potts as Connor Temple. Soooo cute! Oh, and Alexander Siddig (who used to play Dr Julian Bashir in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) as Philip Burton. One nice surprise in this series of Primeval was the return of Lucy Brown in one episode as Jenny Lewis. Although, I always prefered her as Claudia Brown.
Episodes has finished, too, but No Ordinary Family and Being Human are still on, for a little while, anyway.

As for books I've read this month, well, I've managed to read five! I say 'read five', really I've read three and flicked through two. Anyway, they are: Star Trek: Typhon Pact - Seize the Fire by Michael A Martin and Rough Beasts of Empire by David R George III, The Andromeda Strain by Michael Chrichton, The Encyclopaedia of Alien Encounters by Alan Baker, and The Royal Horticultural Society's Gardening Through the Year by Ian Spence

And finally, on to music. The only new CD I've been listening to is the Ministry of Sound Disco Anthems. However, I have been listening to Erasure by Erasure, and various Bananarama tracks including these:

Right. I think that's it for February. See you in March!

Vegas

2011-02-15T22:25:00.000Z

Love, love, love this track:

If you'd like to see more of Siobhan (along with Marcella), click here to travel back in time to 16th December 2007. Or here to see Cookie.

Remember when stalkers used to be known as "secret admirers"?

2011-02-14T00:01:00.004Z

Well, be mine, Valentine!

Yeah, I know: The "secret" bit is redundant.

~ ~ ~

Post created ~~out of lust~~ in response to this:

Slacking, am I, Tim?

Plethora of Pink

2011-02-12T15:10:00.000Z

This is just a small sample of the Pinkness I found whilst searching for an entry for MJ's Infomaniac Pink Room:

Some of these items can even be found in Castle DeVice!

Flying time

2011-02-09T07:12:00.003Z

It feels like I haven't been here for ages, but the last post was only three days ago. I think it's because I'd prepared SP's birthday Square of Lust before hand and haven't spent much time in blogville since the end of January when I prepared & posted the Star Trek items. That Bananarama video was neither here nor there, so that doesn't count, either.
Anyway, I aim to be back by Monday and hope to spend some time in the next couple of days or so catching up with those of you who I have neglected somewhat.

See you soon!

In case you are watching...

2011-02-06T00:01:00.002Z

Second planet out

2011-02-03T10:44:00.000Z

Just because I like it...

Star Trek: Voyages That Never Were II

2011-02-01T00:01:00.000Z

Yes, another self indulgent post. This one's about the starships. Almost every Trekker/Trekkie will doodle (or seriously design) Federation Starfleet starships, and I was no different.

This was my interpretation of the USS Titan, the ship that Will Riker assumed command of at the end of Star Trek Nemesis. It was never seen on screen, only mentioned. There was a competition open to the fans to design a new class of starship and the winning design would grace the cover of the Titan-series of novels. It would be forever etched into the Star Trek Universe - A fan's dream! To see more images of the winning design (plus others), created by Sean Tourangeau, just click the links.

Now, this wasn't so much a starship design as a vehicle for subspace sails. Ever since the DS9 episode Explorers featured a Bajoran solar sail space ship, I wondered if something similar could be utilised on starships to generate power and/or provide propulsion. As the third point in the Memory Alpha link points out, a solar sail would have to be miles wide to propel a small caravan-sized ship, so a more technologically advanced design that uses subspace (through which starships travel at warp) rather than normal space as the sail medium would mean that smaller sails could be used.
The masts and 'webbing' shown in the drawing above are the only physical aspects of the propulsion, the sails themselves would be generated as a type of forcefield and extend out for hundreds of metres from the ship into subspace.

When I wasn't designing long, sleek ships like the one with the subspace sails, I was imagining smaller, more technologically advanced future starships. And by future, I mean in The Next Generation's future, not ours (although, it would be ours, too). These starships would be delicate-looking but extremely durable, due to the new alloys used and new production & construction techniques. I envisioned long, slender, slightly curved warp nacelles (and their pylons), oval or spherical primary hulls and small, sleek secondary hulls. All these would fit together to give an insect-like appearance.
The sketches above show a few of my designs along with their contemporary counterparts; a long range Vulcan shuttle, a scout ship, an Akira-class starship and an Olympic-class medical starship. Unfortunately, none of these ideas progressed past the sketch stage - Painting starships is a lot more difficult than slapping some clothes on a fit model!

There may be one more of these Star Trek posts to come, so don't hold your breath for something less boring any time soon...
Shush, you! They seemed to like the last post, so there.

Star Trek: Voyages That Never Were

2011-01-30T00:01:00.000Z

Over the weekend, for reasons so long and complex I shan't bother to go into them here, I spent rather a lot of time thinking about the past. This ultimately led to me sitting on the floor on ~~Sunday~~ Saturday afternoon, rouoting through a load of old folders when I would've actually preferred to be doing something more productive like reading a book ~~or taking a nap; I'm right into taking naps at the weekend these days~~-
Wait, wait, wait. You can't go through Tim's old post crossing out the bad spelling and the bits not relevant to you. Just get on with telling it your own way!
Thank you, Witchface! * tut * Anyway, so there I was, searching through some dusty old folders. I was actually looking for something specific, and after a while I foun-
What did I just say!?
Oh, ALL RIGHT! Jeez...

Anyway, I'm not sure who this post is going to appeal to - with the exception of Tim (possibly) - but, I found these:

I can't remember when I painted these. I know it was years ago, though. The image on the left was my interpretation of a post Next Generation Starfleet environmental suit, and the one on the right is of a utility suit. If memory serves, I'd traced a couple of models from aftershave/eau de toilette ads in a magazine, then drawn on the suits, transferred them onto (cheap) black paper and painted them with acrylic, or possibly gouache, but probably acrylic? Then I used a very fine permanent marker for the detail.

Here are the original sketches & notes, including a standard duty uniform, which really looks like a pair of pyjamas. Perhaps that's why I never painted it?

These are concept sketches of future versions of the rank insignia from The Original Series movie era (excluding The Motion Picture). Either that or alternate universe variants? Now that I've mentioned it, I remember devising a timeline of events which could have happened if the transwarp drive of the USS Excelsior had actually worked (and Torias Dax had not died in the transwarp drive test shuttle). I'll try and find it for a later post in this series.

Finally, here is a future - or alternate universe - version of the Starfleet insignia/communicator.
Oh, and a semi-naked (obviously couldn't be bothered to draw any pants!), devilish-looking crew member modelling it (traced from a magazine again). And, no, I don't know what that strange wing-looking thing on the right is. Maybe it's a wing?

So, that's that, is it? Aren't you going to explain to our readers why you created these concepts and designs?
No.
I see. Then I will. The Host slaved over these creations because he was sad and lone-
OK! I'll explain. Years ago, when I was single, somewhat depressed and disallusioned with the really-quite-crappy real world, the Star Trek Universe was where I escaped to. Either through watching it on TV/DVD or reading about it, both the fictional novels and the factual reference books. Anyway, my imagination was always running away with me, so I started to elaborate on the established Star Trek canon and continuity. I'd get lost for hours extrapolating stories and ~~technology~~ treknology from snippets of information gleaned from the filmed or written adventures as these sketches show.
Eventually, I snapped out of it because I somehow acquired a life, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, and no longer had the time to indulge in the fantasy.

Very occasionally, however, when I find myself cross with the world-at-large and at a loss for something to do , I sometimes briefly revert to that time and let my mind wander in the Star Trek Universe.

Or doodle cartoons...

What the Wicked Witch Watched and Other Whimsies

2011-01-28T00:01:00.000Z

This is the first of a new series of monthly updates that replaces my old Star Selections and also the book posts. I plan to use these to help compose the Coven Awards, as I never remember what I've watched during the year when I scrabble around on the 29th December desperately putting together a years worth of crap!

I was going to post this in a couple of days, but Tim's disgust at my little pun in the last post has made me want to move on. Quickly.

So, anyway, here's the post proper:

I probably won't create a magazine cover every month like this one. I only did this because I was inspired by Ask The Cool Cookie's handiwork, after MJ pointed out his other blog recently.
They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so, I'm sorry for this travesty, Cookie! It's no imitation at all - Not a convincing one, anyway - but, still, I hope you're flattered, all the same.

For those that have even the slightest interest, here are some links to my month's viewings, readables and audible pleasures - The ones worth blogging about, anyway:

TV - Being Human, Episodes*, No Ordinary family, Primeval
Books - Star Trek Typhon Pact: Zero Sum Game, by David Mack, USS Enterprise Owners' Workshop Manual, from Haynes
Music - Blade Runner Trilogy, 25th Anniversary, by Vangelis

* Not actually sci-fi, but I'm watching it all the same.

When the chips are doom...

2011-01-26T17:17:00.001Z

"What on Earth are you wearing under that mac?" I asked Lady Gaga superfan, reformed emo and vegetarian, Translucy, after spying what appeared to be tortilla chips all down his front between the fastenings.
"What, this?" he replied, opening the mac and displaying a corset fashioned from Doritos.
"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrghhhhhhh!" I yelled. "It's the invasion of the bodice nachos!"

Translucy didn't appear to be amused.

A rose by any other name...

2011-01-24T19:29:00.001Z

Well, luckily, this rose is actually named Roses! And, yes, she does smell as sweet.
How do I know this? Why, let me tell you a story...

It was a Sunday afternoon. Yesterday, in fact. I had decided to pop into the city to purchase a present for SP - It's his birthday on 6th Feb, you see. However, knowing the parking is horrendous, I decided to take a chance and risk flying in on Broom in the hope that I could land surreptitiously somewhere and disguise my ride as a dead bush, or something.
I should have known it would never be that simple...

Everything was going swimmingly - or flyingly - until I neared the Lanes. There was sufficient low altitude cloud cover to obscure me from the commoners below, and enough chimneys and other rooftop furniture to allow me to descend into a back alley without being seen.
What I hadn't counted on was a flock of roosting pigeons being startled into flight by the sudden strident tones of a, frankly rubbish, busker.

Broom's bristles were soon overcome by the battering of desperately ascending pigeons, as was I. I must've looked like Tippi Hedren from The Birds except not on a boat. Anyway, Broom gave up the ghost and started a headlong plummet, luckily, straight into a deserted Old Post Office Yard which is right next to Frank's Bar. Unluckily, there was someone right where I hadn't intended to land.

"Ow!" she said as I clonked her on the elbow with Broom as I swerved at the last minute.
"Oof!" I said after hitting the trellis in the courtyard.
"What the Hell?!" she exclaimed, advancing on me while rubbing her elbow.
"I'm terribly sorry" I began in way of apology. "I didn't- Roses? Is that you!?"
"IDV?!"
It seemed I had the luck (she obviously didn't) to nearly land on Norwich's only other Infomaniac Bitch - Someone for whom I wouldn't have to make up a ridiculously convoluted story about why I hit her with a broomstick. Yay! I'd clobbered someone I knew!

Anyway, we found ourselves in Frank's Bar enjoying coffee, bread and cakes as we whiled away the afternoon and got to know each other. Look, here we are smiling and everything*:

Roses really is as beautiful as her name. And she's generous - She bought me coffee and cake, even after I almost squashed her!
It's my turn to buy next time, though.

You can read all about Roses version of events - scurrilous lies, the lot of it - here.

* Well, Roses is smiling. I think I'm muttering or something. Why I didn't stop when I took the photo I don't know!

Bea Newman*

2011-01-21T18:11:00.000Z

* claps hands like a speshul a la Tim *

Being Human's third series starts on Sunday, people. ON SUNDAY!

* No, I don't know who she is, either.

MJ? Is that you?

2011-01-18T17:38:00.006Z

Isn't the likeness uncanny?

[Discovered here]

No, not the beard, the crop wielding lesbo.

While the cat's away...

2011-01-15T15:50:00.000Z

I was only away for a few days, but it seems SP's greedy eyes latched on to new prey within hours of my departure.

Remember Gathiir (scroll down to Thursday)? Well, it turns out that he's friends with our neighbour's son, Matt (not his real name, I'm protecting his privacy - and he's not this neighbour's son, he's from the other side and far too young), and also his friends Tarquast (an incubus), Jastreed, Thomjir (both of centaur stock*) and Gary (human, I believe). Now, SP's always had a 'thing' for Matt, but seeing him, Gathiir and their friends has mutated the 'thing' into a raging monster!

Every time male voices are heard from next door's front garden, or a car full of nubile young flesh pulls up, SP is at the window faster than Hilda Ogden at her nets after finding out Mavis Riley had not one but two men on the go at once!

I don't know if Matt and Gary know that Gathiir, Tarquast, Jastreed and Thomjir are not exactly normal. I mean, I know they know that we're not - Well, they know SP & I turned to the Pink Side long, long ago, but I don't think they suspect the witch and incubus bits. Although, Matt appears to have some latent ability, so maybe he's an emerging warlock? My crystal balls often pulsate when he's around, so, maybe?
I think the only reasons that SP hasn't initiated anything are that a) he knows Tarquast and the they don't exactly see eye to eye, b) he's too lazy, and c) the age difference. We are - well, our physical bodies are - nearly twice these young mens ages. I'd like to say SP wouldn't do anything with them anyway due to his love and respect for me, but his loins rule his heart (he is an incubus himself, after all). Luckily, his laziness/lethargy rule all!

I know I should mind, but all his voyeuring gives me time to ~~stalk Tim~~ blog.

* See here. The third & fourth paragraphs down.

Gale-Force

2011-01-09T11:32:00.000Z

* ring ring *

* ring ring *

* ring ring *

* ring ri- *

"Mmmph... What?"
"psssbtzt drzszpt sspszzt!" It was my sister, Inexcuseable.
"What? She did what?"
"shzzzbt zzp trssspzbzt dszcbl sbt hsssz." Apparently, something happened to our sister Indescribable.
"A House? When?"
"thpbbt zsspbbsz zzbt ffsspt fss!" Oh. Shit.
"I'll be there as soon as I can. 'Bye" and I hung up.

It appears that a dastardly Kansas girl turned witch-finder, who uses her tornado-creating ability to crush witches with houses and other large objects, has nobbled our sister. This... This creature goes by the nom de guerre Gale-Force.

Indescribable, who usually looks like Quentin Blake's version of Roald Dahl's Grand High Witch, only not so 2-dimensional, now looks almost exactly like her.
Luckily, she's pretty robust and managed to shrug off Gale-Force's attack, but she's understandably livid, so Inexcuseable and I are going to meet up with her to plan a strategic retaliation.
With that being the case, I may not be around much during the next few days, so just carry on without me. I'll pop in and out whenever there's a break in our war-games.

Hagsville

2011-01-08T15:28:00.000Z

SP got me this for Christmas:

Yes, that's me modelling it - My head's in the washing machine

However, just because I am one, doesn't mean I like witches, never mind love them (The Coven notwithstanding, of course). However, it is a lovely T-shirt and probably my favourite Christmas present.

The only thing is, it's still too cold to go out just wearing a T-shirt, so I've been looking for something suitable to wear over it. Eventually, I found this:

There's even a matching bag. Although, I doubt if it's as capacious as Poppins'.

Lazier than a thousand Lazies

2011-01-06T18:24:00.000Z

Because I can't be doing with all this squabbling about loofahs/body mops/nylon-netting-shower-pom-pom-on-a-string-thingamies, I give you this:

A Moom in her natural habitat

Hopefully, the waves of lazy relaxation that this Moom is emanating will bring calm and peace to you all, thereby allowing me to sort out some sort of prize/s.

But, beware! Don't stare too long, or Moom's hypnotic somnolent stare will take you under!

Sifting through the remains

2011-01-05T18:24:00.001Z

Yes, it's time to sift through the aftermath of the Barbara Cartland explosion and reveal the winner of Saturday's Items of Interest competition.

First, here's a list of what it wasn't:

A Barbara Cartland Hairnet®, as put forth by xl.
Angora throw? Plastic troll's hair? Mesh hair roller? The ever despairing guesses of Savannah.
A lovely new merkin. Yes, thank you, Princess.
A pair of your power fishnet stockings and,
The collar of your bathrobe/dressing gown, suggested by 'Petra.
It's your inner ear! Um, no, Tim.
Has Babs been eating Ma Beasties chick pea curry again? No, no she's had her rug dyed to match the curtains.. Another delightful 'guess' by Princess.
It's my scrunched up negligee...
...or it might be chicken wire for some very glamorous chickens? On this occasion, Miss Scarlet, it's neither.
Neither is it Moom's blankie, Snooze.
Nor is it inside a furnace filter or the neural network of cotton candy, Tara.
Your colon after a particularly effective colonic irrigation? Back for another try eh, Tim? You needn't've wasted your pretty little brain...
And, finally: Is it the debris left after Barbara exploded? A pile of pretty pink ashes, another 'guess' from Princess.

So, here is what it actually is:

SP's, sadly broken, "nylon netting shower pom pom on a string thingamie".

And the winner is, with the first correct guess of: It's your loofah and frankly, it disgusts me to think where it's been, MJ! Congratulations! And I shall ignore your disgust because, as the photo caption states, it's SP's, not mine.

* pokes tongue out in defiance *

I shall have a prize of some description mailed out to you within the week.

The venerable runners up are: I think it might be one of those "nylon netting shower pom pom on a string thingamies" that old grannys make for their fundraising stalls. Just lather it up and your away (Princess), I know I know! Well, MJ actually got it pegged with the loofa ('Petra), It's one of those things!!! Erm... a body mop! Makes everything extra foamy... (Miss Scarlet), It does look like those loofah bath scrub/cloths or a special dishwashing scrub--I've one of those for cleaning nonstick pans! (Eros).

Thank you all for taking part, and jolly well done! Splendid show etc, etc.

Right, better be off - I do have other things to do besides blogging, you know!

Items of Interest: The explosion of Barbara Cartland

2011-01-01T23:59:00.001Z

Ah, welcome to 2011. And the first post of this new year brings back my mildly successful Items of Interest theme.

For those of you who are new to this, or have forgotten what to do seeing as it's been just over a year since the last Items of Interest post, the rules are as follows:
Just guess what this particular photo is of and, if you're very lucky, win a prize (yet to be determined). When I say 'this photo', I don't mean the one on the left here as that's the logo image. No. The photo is the big pink one below.

As always, the photo is of something currently within Castle DeVice, so start your guessing. And if you really have no idea, just come up with something preposterous. You never know, you might get a prize for originality.

Don't bank on it, though.

Oh, and for those of you who haven't visited in a few days are bored and have nothing to entertain you, please see the previous post which is my end of year review. It contains lots of links and videos that should keep you out of mischief for a little while at least.

Good luck!

2010 in review

2010-12-31T22:29:00.003Z

Five years. Who'd've thought we'd still be at this blogging lark after two years, never mind five?
I know. We could have gone out and got a life or something instead.
Well, we didn't.

Mainly because we're lazy.
Hey! Speak for yourself!

Shush, you two!
Anyway, on with the show. You probably know the routine by now. I'll give a quick recap of what we've blogged about this year.
And I'll present the awards. There are plenty of links and videos and things to get caught up in, so those of you as lifeless as us will at least have something to do in the New Year.

...

Hey, wait a minute. Presenting the awards is hard work! Why do I always have to do it?
Because you're more patient than me. I can never be bothered to scour the intermawebs for pictures, links and videos.
Well, I'm too lazy - I haven't even finished it yet. Ha!
Sigh... Just do it tomorrow. No one will know. They'll all be too hungover to notice.
Right. Better get on with these recaps:

January: We looked back at our favourite blog post of 2009 (which was Dungeons & Drag Queens, btw) and at 2009's Hottest Sci-Figure (the delectable Chris Pine). There was also the first of this year's monthly book reviews.
February: A visit from MirrorMe; Valentine's Day malarkey with Tim; and, at the end of the month we had spent a year Desperately Housewifing.
March: A couple of book reviews and the unforgettable Tin Foil Hat Competition.

Well, we should get straight on with the awards, so I'd better pass you over to The Host.
Why, thank you.

The nominees for my Favourite Film of 2010 are: Splice, Avatar, Megamind, Clash of the Titans, and Skyline.

Oh, Splice and Skyline, you had it all but then you lost it. What a spectacularly predictable ending you had Splice. And you, Skyline? Oh, you were doing so well until the faintly ridiculous "Destroy All Humans" reveal*. Avatar was a victim of it's own unbelieveable hype - It just couldn't live up to my inflated expectations. And Clash' was just plodding and dull.
So, my favourite film of 2010 is easily Megamind - and not just because Megamind is cuteness incarnate (see the third post down from December 15th).

* i.e. The brain harvesting. Not the lack of genetalia. Although the film didn't make it clear with that point...

I've added this DVD category because of the appalling lack of new films I've seen at the cinema this year. Those five up there are, in fact, the only instances of me entering a cinema in 2010. So, these films are new to me, but not necessarily new in 2010: Watchmen, Push, Moon, and Mirrors.
This was a much harder call than the one for my favourite film but I'm going to have to go with Watchmen because it had style and substance and the day wasn't saved with a few seconds to spare. Plus, I love the second Silk Spectre's outfit!

The TV drama/comedy nominees have a few old faces from Coven Awards of yesteryear, but also a couple of new contenders: Ugly Betty, Misfits, Desperate Housewives, Being Human, The Event, Caprica, and The Middle.
Another tough one, but Being Human edges ahead of Caprica due to the restrained use of humour versus the total lack of mirth in the gritty Battlestar Galactica prequel.

Well, I say reality, but what I really mean is any non-fiction show. The nominees for this award include those shows where members of the public (or minor celebs) are derided and ridiculed before being whipped into shape before the show's end, such as: The Hotel Inspector (the Alex Polizzi version, not the Ruth Watson one) and Mary Queen of Shops.
There are also factual shows: Tropic of Cancer and Wonders of the Solar System, both presented by very engaging and enthusiastic young men. The presenter for Wonders, Professor Brian Cox, used to be the keyboard player in hit 90s band D:Ream, and Simon Reeve, the presenter of Tropic, is awfully easy on the eye!
Then there are the comedy shows: Pineapple Dance Studio (which is also, vaguely, a Reality Show and unleashed Louie Spence upon the world), and Harry Hill's TV Burp.

Gods. This is such a difficult one to choose. I want to go with Pineapple or TV Burp because they're just so funny - Probably the funniest things I've seen on TV this year - but the Sensible Susan in me wants to go for Tropic or Wonders.
OK. I'm going to go with Wonders of the Solar System purely because Professor Cox is the antithesis of the fusty old professor stereotype and is so enthusiastic about the subject.
Yeah, well, I'm choosing Tropic of Cancer because Simon Reeve is also enthusiastic and totally hot AND gets his kit off a couple of times!
Fine. Suit yourself, then.

My favourite post title is The Year of Housewifing Desperately from February. This, of course, is a take on the 1982 film The Year of Living Dangerously, starring Mel Gibson and Sigourney Weaver.

April: A Grumpy Meme and searching for The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts.
May: A spat with 'Petra; my OFFICIAL SPARKY TIM CUT OUT 'N KEEP ACTIONLESS FIGURE competition entry (Ohhhh, YES!); and some cakes.
June: Another meme and MJ goes AWOL.

The Most Heavenly Music nominees are all albums that I've (or SP, in the case of Lady Gagarin [as he likes to call her]) bought or been given this year. And they are as follows: Aphrodite by Kylie, Head First by Goldfrapp, Love 2 by Air, Night Work by Scissor Sisters, and The Fame Monster by Lady Gaga.
First to go was Air. Maybe I haven't listened to it enough, but none of the tracks on this album really grabbed me, much like with their previous album Pocket Symphony. I think my 13 year love affair with Air is now over.
Lady Gagarin was next to get the chop. There are some great tracks - Bad Romance, Alejandro & Poker Face - but also some clunkers. Kylie fared the same, I'm sorry to say. All The Lovers and Aphrodite are amazing tracks, but about half the others are just OK. Sorry Kylie.
The winner of The Most Heavenly Music award is, just pipping the mighty Scissor Sisters to the post: Goldfrapp with the sublime Head First!

The nominees for this category are all books that I read for the first time this year. Surprisingly, out of the 33 books I have managed to read (yes, I finished Unseen Academicals by Terry Pratchett), 20 of them were new reads. I didn't think I'd read as many new books as that. Anyway, you can find out about them in (slightly) more detail by clicking on the Books label in my sidebar.
So, on with the show. From this veritable library of books: Bad Blood by James Goss, Zombie edited by Christopher Golden, Star Trek: Nero by Mike Johnson, Tim Jones & David Messina, Star Trek: Romulans - Pawns of War by John Byrne, T-Shirt and Genes by Richard Asplin, Nation, by Terry Pratchett and Star Trek Vanguard: Precipice, by David Mack, the winner is:
Nation, by Terry Pratchett

Now, this is the first category to come out of left field. There may be a few more, so be prepared to duck. The following modes of transport are not yet available to the general public, but their concept models/images have been released this year making me almost drool in anticipation: USS Aventine (not to be confused with the Renault Aventime), Captain Ezri Dax's starship from 2381,

the Alfa Romeo Giulia (I've posted two versions - I think the black one is the one nearest production form) & 2uettottanta, the new Alfa Spider,

and the Citroen Metropolis, which is to be released as the DS9 (not named after the ex-Cardassian space station, apparently).

Well, I think the winner has to be the Alfa Romeo 2uettottanta because it's just so pretty!

I have rediscovered a few things this year, most of them while searching for or disposing of other things in the loft: I found a tape of Now and Again in my old video player while hooking up the spare TV to watch The Wedding Banquet (which I didn't watch due to being distracted by Now & Again, otherwise it may have made the list, too). I discovered the CD album Erasure by Erasure in the mini-hifi also stuffed away in the loft - I realised that it's been up there for about two years! Here's the track Fingers & Thumbs:

And my favourite track from the album, A Long Goodbye (sadly, no video as it wasn't released as a single).
The next contender was reintroduced to me by SP. He found it while flicking through the many, many cable channels and immediately became enamoured with Kate Mulgrew's performance as Captain Janeway. The nominee is, of course, Star Trek: Voyager (I like it mainly for Tom Paris before he got fat & bald and Janeway as Arachnia, Queen of the Spider People - see Leading Lady category below).
This is an easy call. Now and Again trounces the other nominees - I don't think there's a bad episode in the series. In fact, you can start watching the series here, if you like.

July: A new driveway means Manual Labour; more cakes; and a smidgeon of time travel.
August: An invasion of manticores, water babies, trolls, centaurs, naiads, nannies, dryads and a very small yeti.
September: Even more cakes; the Disappearance of Dinah; considering a new coven; my 600th post - Cusp Trek III; and 'Petra's birthday - Cusp Trek IV.

There are probably way more than four men who I'd like to lead me, but in the interests of time, these are the four I can immediately remember: Matt Bomer from White Collar, Brian Austin Green from Desperate Housewives, Ian Anthony Dale from The Event, and Aidan Turner from Being Human.

As pretty and ripped as Matt is, I haven't actually watched White Collar (although I have seen clips from it), so he's the first to fall. Brian's next to go because whenever I see him I'm reminded of Beverly Hills 90210 (the original series obviously) * shudders in horror *. So it comes down to Ian and Aidan, and Aidan must take runner up place because I haven't seen him on TV in nearly a year! Being Human was last on in February (although it's back on again soon).
Which means the winner is Ian Anthony Dale - agent Simon Lee from The Event!

Out of these most ladylike of ladies: Captain Kathryn Janeway as Arachnia: Queen of the Spider People, Frobisher as Mavis Boyle, Beast as this... This domestic marshmallow goddess, only one can steal the crown.

As lovely as Beast and Frobisher are, neither are as camp as Janeway!

Retromen: Those good-looking actors of yesteryear (who may or may not still be working). Dennis Quaid, Ryan O'Neal and James Brolin have made my shortlist, but only one can win.

Sadly, Ryan is the first to go. Cute as he may have been in What's Up Doc? he just doesn't cut it anymore. James is still looking good, as is Dennis.

But it's Dennis who gets the award. Why? Just look at him now:

October: The loss of dear Piggy; The new Coven line-up revealed; BEAST wins The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts from Donn; and Hallowe'en.
November: Clean knickers for Tim's birthday; Cusp Trek V; and A dream of shoes
December: The making of a blog - From the bath; and we sat on Santa's lap for an iTim - It was definitely worth it!

Best Boy (as chosen mostly by SP) - Axl from The Middle, Harry from One Direction/X-Factor and Zain/Zayn (there seems to be some division on how his name is spelt) also from One Direction/X-Factor (Zayn is my choice. I also prefer the 'y' spelling rather than the 'i' spelling)

Hmmm... I can't believe I'm considering a couple of half-naked teenagers for this award. Actually, this is my award to give, so I'm going to give it to Axl as, even though he's supposed to be 17 or something, Charlie McDermott, the actor who plays him, is nearly 21.

Best Bouffant (also chosen by SP) - Axl from The Middle, Harry from X-Factor and Beast (Oops! How did this get in here?).

Well, I think we know who's not going to get the award, so that leaves us with Axl and Harry. And just to appease SP, I'm giving the award to Harry.

Sexiest Santa?

No contest. This one wins, hands down (his pants):

Which Witch?

Well, other than myselves, the only other witch who's had a mention is Fenella Fellorick the Kettle Witch from Chorlton and the Wheelies.

And I'll be damned if that buck-toothed, green-skinned, miserable, hatchett-faced old hag is getting the award - I'm keeping it for myself!

Before Witchface gets too wound up, I'd better bring this to a close. I would like to thank all the men who took time out of their busy schedules to work on their bodies so they were worthy of ~~stalking~~ these sub-headers. Who knew YouTube could hold such a wealth of ripped young men?
The only problem is that whenever I now log onto YouTube, the 'Recommended for You' section is always full of half-naked, muscular men!

Wait. Did I say that was a problem?

Anyway (dear Piggy's favourite word), I would also like to thank you all for sticking around, especially the last month or two when I haven't been around much. It may have seemed like I was neglecting visiting your blogs, but I assure you that I was, albeit sporadically.
If I had made any New Year's resolutions, one of them would have been to spend a bit more time blogging. However, I haven't made any, especially the blogging one, mainly because I know I'm not going to have that much time, so 2011 will continue much like the end of 2010.

So, thank you all again, from me too. I'll be keeping an eye on you my faithful Flying Monkeys, so stay sharp!

Finally, may your transition into 2011 be free from incident. Have fun!

A disappointment

2010-12-24T23:59:00.000Z

Well, here we are again. Another shitting Christmas.

If you're expecting me to be posting the latest of our adventures over the Cusp, prepare yourselves to be disappointed.
I don't know where time's gone this year, I really don't. Whatever time I've had at my disposal seems to have been... Disposed, somehow. So, instead of an original Christmas tale, I bring you this, an adventure from Christmas 2006:

Bah! Humbug!

My flight plan had been cleared by Norwich airport's air traffic control - my good friend Rapunzel works there. She has loads of experience what with all those years trapped in a tower of her own, with nothing but local bird flight and migrating geese skeins to observe. Usually, I wouldn't bother with logging a flight plan, but seeing as how I was returning home from some distance and would be flying quite high and fast, I thought I'd better check that the air space close to home was clear. Afterall, I didn't want to be sucked into a jet intake like poor old Sherry Bobbins, maysherestinpieces.

So, there I was, descending over Norwich, easily clearing the cathedral spire, my sights fixed firmly on home. Well, I say 'fixed firmly', but I may have been slightly distracted whilst rummaging in my hand luggage behind me for a humbug, which in hindsight, probably wasn't the best thing to do when coming in for a landing at 200 miles per hour. If only I'd switched my foresight on...

Now, usually I'd swerve aound Morrison's carpark, not for fear of being seen by the shoppers below - slack jawed mongs are too busy staring down at where their knuckles are scraping through all the puddles of drool they'd produced. Good job they've got oversized jaws, as I dread to think what else they'd push the trolleys with...

* shudder *

No. I avoid the store because of the cheap yellow light it gives off which makes me look jaundiced. Not to mention the hideous uplighting making me look more 'weathered' than I actually am. Not that I am to any great degree, you understand!

Anyway, having eventually located the humbug, I popped it in my mouth and turned to face forward again.

"Fark!" I exclaimed. Well, you try saying 'Fuck' and keeping a large boiled sweet in your mouth at the same time.

* Rrrrrrrriiiipsquelch *

"...mmmmmmp!"

Instead of last year's red nose* on the front of the Broom, there was an entire red body trimmed in dirty white fur with one and a half feet of gnarled ash Broom handle rammed up it's rather large chuff. It's eyes were watering copiously into it's bushy white beard.

Lawks! I'd knobbled Father Christmas! The reindeer scattered, breaking loose from the reins. Two of them headed for the football ground, one shot straight up and the rest barrelled off over the city leaving the sleigh to spiral downwards into the river.

I slammed on the brakes and Santa shot off the end, stripping the Broom handle as he went. He must have really clenched...

In a mix of mild horror and outright mirth, I watched as he tumbled through the air rather gracelessly - I expected more from Santa, perhaps a double salco? - and impacted rather heavily against Morrison's clock tower. It's a good job it had various handholds or he would have slid down on to the anti-pigeon spikes and we'd be eating Santa Kebabs for Christmas dinner!

It's at this point that I should point out that the clock tower probably isn't what you're imagining. It barely towers at all, being only two metres higher than the rest of the glass and metal roof. It's crowning glory is a black and yellow digital clock. Classy, eh? At least if it had a proper clock face, Father Christmas could have hung on to the hour or minute hand, a la Harold Lloyd, and I could have had more of a laugh as time ticked on getting ready to dump him unceremoniously onto the spikes below.

As I hovered there wondering what to do, holding my nose - Santa must have been eating cauliflower cheese for the last couple of days judging by the vile stench coming from the neatly stripped Broom handle - a spectral light appeared behind me, along with the smell of fish & chips mixed with Tweed by Lentheric. It could only mean one thing: Aunty X-Mas!

The late-middle-aged, rather overweight, Ghost of Anti-Christmas phased in on the back of Broom, even now this early on Christmas Eve, as tiddled as an excited puppy. There was only one thing I could do, so I did it.

"Ta ra!" I yelled in her face as she fully spectralised. "You can sort him out" and I pointed at the dangling Father Christmas, gunning the acceleratrix, leaving her sitting in mid air as I shot off towards home, waving over my shoulder.

Ha!

Merry Christmas!

* I couldn't just say 'instead of nothing' so I took some creative liberty and made up the faded and cracked red nose. I wouldn't be seen dead or undead with one of those monstrosities strapped to any form of my personal transport.

~ ~ ~

What?! I'm working on the end of year review, which is surely more important than some Christmas bilge. Isn't it?
Actually, I'm not even sure I'll have time to get that finished.
Oh, I long for a beans-on-toast Christmas. You know, A totally hermit Christmas with no friends, no family, no hideously expensive & rich food, just an indulgent couple of days slobbing around (or blogging around).

Maybe next year?

Anyway, before IWeMeUs sign off: Happy Christmas, or whatever it is you celebrate, or grudgingly tolerate!

Se you in a few days.

What would you sit on Santa's lap for?

2010-12-18T19:16:00.000Z

Apple have finally released a product I would actually use, so I steeled my nerves, sat on Santa's lap and he gave me one.

The sculpted, handsome exterior is very pleasing on the eye and an absolute pleasure to handle due to the use of soft touch materials in its construction. It's also a very intuitive design and ergonomically perfect - I could use it all day without tiring.
There are a couple of concerns, however. The Aux-in is a bit tight for my docking station, but I'm sure it'll give after a few uses. The Aux-out connector on the other hand is really quite large. Not that I'm complaining - There are far too many small parts about these days. No, it's just so big that one needs both hands to operate it otherwise it's just unwieldy. It's also overloaded my software a couple of times due to the sheer speed and volume of the datastream. I tried pulling it out/off but that only seemed to make it worse. It must have swollen up in the heat of the ~~moment~~ modem as I just couldn't pull it free!

Ooh! I nearly forgot to tell you what this splendid new product is.

I think I fancy Megamind!

2010-12-15T21:36:00.000Z

Oh gods.

Just look at his cute little face:

Anyway, enough of that. I know I haven't been around much. I'll be back properly at the weekend.

I hope.

Look up

2010-12-09T19:54:00.000Z

Shiver me timber

2010-12-08T18:40:00.000Z

Brrrr... I loathe flying in these freezing conditions. In fact, I generally avoid flying during winter as Broom's bristles tend to ice up and the last thing I need is plummeting to a frosty doom in the middle of nowhere. Plus, flying means I have to carry a multitude of apparatus for safety reasons:

Weather vane to measure wind direction
Thermometer to measure temperature
Thaumometer to detect magical fields
Heliostat to capture what little sunlight there is
Siderostat to capture starlight while night-flying
Barometer to measure atmospheric pressure
Goggles to prevent watering eyes (namely, mine - Anyone else should bring their own)

No. It's too much. Flying during winter is for emergencies only. Car will just have to stop whining about being taken out in such treacherous conditions and lump it.

Ooh! I wonder if that abominable snowman stable is up and running yet? Perhaps I could ride an adult one around until the snow and ice melts?

Of Baths and Blogs

2010-12-01T00:01:00.000Z

Now, some of you seemed surprised at the fact that I have a blog notebook. When you think about it, it shouldn't be surprising. After all, I can't recall how many times I've mentioned how forgetful I am.

My little blog-book always comes with me when I have a bath. You see, I like to wallow for a couple of hours in a nice, soothing bath, but it traps me, so, to stave off boredom, my imagination goes into overdrive and generates most of my ideas. I think it's because I'm laying there doing nothing, with little to no distractions, so my minds are free to wonder/wander (as long as they come back again). Many an adventure over The Cusp has been recollected and jotted down - sometimes in excrutiating detail - while in the bath. Also, the little adventures we've had out and about, or on the way to work. Even those things that have happened in the comfort and privacy of my own home.

Here's Blog-book in its natural habitat:

('Petra, for your perusal, I have included my non-touchscreen phone which functions pretty much only as an alarm clock)

Blog-book also follows me to bed. Well, one never knows when a dream will need capturing and pinning down to the page for later transference into the Demon Box, as the 27th November post clearly showed.

Once I've transferred the captured thoughts and recollections, I cross through the page (or part-page if there's more than one subject per page) to show the future-me, who may be looking through the Blog-book, that we have committed it to Demon Box.

Here are some examples that you may recognise. You may notice that not everything survives the transition intact:

(lick to engorge)

(Oops! I mean 'click', obviously...)

Owlspring/Tips Diagram*

2010-11-29T18:31:00.000Z

This diagram was devised to chart the tendancy of wizards, who start out small and pale, to progress through the craft getting bigger and cholerically redder until at last they swell up and explode in a cloud of pomposity.**

33. Unseen Academicals, by Terry Pratchett

Ummm... I've nearly finished it...

It's been a most trying and busy month, so reading has kind of gone out the window. I probably will finish this by tomorrow evening, though.

* from page 198

** unfortunately, there's no actual diagram available so you'll just have to imagine it based on this Hertzsprung-Russell Diagram interpretation. Just substitute the stars for wizards.

Last night I dreamt of shoes

2010-11-27T16:45:00.003Z

Gold heels, to be precise. A bit like these Bridget's Back by Louboutin (the one's that 'Petra's been raving about),

but taller and less spiky with a wider heel (perhaps an inch and a half/4cm wide - And I mean wide as in ankle-to-ankle, not heel-to-toe). Somewhat like this:

(This was a quick sketch [complete with notes] made in my blog notebook when I awoke)

In the dream I was wearing them, teetering atop them upon some sort of runway or catwalk. As I stumbled, ungainly and unbalanced forward, I realised I was also watching myself from the audience. I decided to try a new way of walking to see if it would help. It did! And this was that way:

(Here's the full clip with excellent picture quality - I couldn't embed it hence the shaky-cam copy)

Bizarre. I wonder what it means?

Anyway, I'll leave you with this clip from one of my favourite films - Kinky Boots! I think you'll find it apt.

Neighbourhood witch

2010-11-24T21:59:00.001Z

SP came home with a surprise the other day. A child.

Naturally, I was ecstatic. After all, we'd got nothing in for dinner, so at least we wouldn't have to fork out for a suspect take-away. I started pulling out the largest roasting dish from the back of the cupboard but SP stopped me.
"It's not to eat" he said. "You'll upset the neighbour if you do."
"Oh, she won't mind" I said, chopping an onion and some broccoli to go with the kid.
"Yes she will. He's her child!"
"Oh" I said. "Oh, bugger."

It turned out the neighbour's other child had injured herself by pulling a drawer off its runners and onto her foot. SP had just left our house to take Moom for a walk when the neighbour had careered out of her house to rush her daughter to hospital and, finding a willing 'sitter practically on her doorstep, thrust her son upon SP and drove off.

I decided I'd much rather cook dinner (we had stew with mashed potatoes and broccoli in the end) than entertain a minor, so ~~hid~~ busied myself in the kitchen instead. I consoled myself by telling myself how high in cholesterol children are these days.

Cusp Trek V: The Final Front Bottom

2010-11-20T20:21:00.002Z

Or, The Enterprise Coincidence (as I don't think Star Trek V: The Final Frontier can be parodied to make it more ridiculous than it already is)

* ding dong *

* ding dong *
* ding dong *

"Mmmph. Wassat? Wassgo'non?"

* ding dong * "Evil calling!"

What?"
"Um. Avon calling?" came the reply from beyond sleep.
There was a pause then other voices spoke.

"'Evil calling?' You dolt!"
"Hey! Shut up!"
"Well. Honestly..."

Tim grumbled as he got out of bed, slid into his slippers and slumped downstairs to answer the door.
"Yikes!" There before him, beaming from ear to ear, was a certain witch of his acquaintance. Tim quickly grabbed a throw from the back of the sofa and wrapped it around his naked torso. The beaming stopped abruptly.
"Hello Timothy. Here, take that!" and I thrust my package at him.
Tim jumped back but involuntarily reached for the long, hard package.
"Sorry I didn't get this to you for your birthday, but better late than never, hmm?"
"Hmmmph. Never would have been fine" Tim muttered under his breath then wielded the parcel in my face. "What's this then?"
"That? Oh, that's nothing - I just used it for the innuendo." And I grabbed the package back and flung it aside as I swept into the room.
"Oh" Tim said with a hint of disappointment as he shut the door behind me. "So, what did you get me?"
"Nothing." Tim looked disappointed again and a little bit sad, somewhat like a recently scolded puppy. "Yet" I relented, a sucker for that particular look of his. "I'm taking you over the Cusp for a treat."
"Oh" said Tim without a trace of excitement or enthusiasm. "Great. Let me just get changed first." And he plodded off upstairs.
An almost record breaking 27 minutes later, he returned fully dressed and coiffed. I heaved myself off the sofa and handed him the cup of non-rohypnolled coffee I'd made to assist in waking him up.
"Now, mind you don't trip on the way through - We don't want to end up in the Brown Jelly Baby Universe, do we?"
After shuddering in horror, Tim sighed and followed me as I turned in a certain way to leave this universe and-
"Oh, shit."
-tripped over the package I'd thrown aside earlier. Oh, the ignominy.

~ ~ ~

I came to spread-eagled amongst a lot of humming machinery. The top of my head was really very hot and a bright light seemed to be coming from up there too.
The door opposite me suddenly burst open to reveal an overly made-up, strangely dressed yet familiar looking male figure with pointy ears and eyebrows.
"Tim?!" I almost shrieked. "Oh, thank gods. You've come to rescue me."
Tim took one look at me and burst into raucous laughter.
"Bwah hah hah hah haa! Look at you. Hah hah ha! You look ridiculous!"
"Hmmmph" I was not amused. "Just get me down from here. And you're no picture yourself!"
"What?" Disconcerted, Tim took out a communicator/compact and gazed in mild horror at his reflection in the small mirror. "Oh."
"Nice eyeshadow, emo." I could barely contain my smug smile.
"Wait a minute" Tim blurted out, a smug smile of his own spread across his face. "I know where we are! And I know why you look like that" and he held out his compact so I could see my own reflection.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!" I had a cloaking device strapped to my head. And then reality sank in. "We're replaying The Enterprise Incident from TOS?"
"Yes. Yes we are. You must be not just a cloaking device, but 'Cloaking DeVice' and I'm Captain Kirk! I guess I'm to take you back to Starfleet to be reverse engineered."
"Mmmmmmm..." I smiled faintly, losing myself in a fantasy.
"But I have a feeling you'd like that" Tim said to himself as I certainly wasn't listening. "Ahem!"
"What?" I snapped out of my fantasy rather abruptly. "Oh. Yes."

Meanwhile, a few decks up in the Romulan Commander's quarters, a buxom figure materialised amidst the glitter and sparkle of a transporter beam. The woman wore an operations red Starfleet minidress uniform and held a tricorder which she used to scan the room. Her bouffant almost, but not quite, covered her Alien Queen crest - It was MJ!

* FLUSH *

The sound of rushing water behind her made MJ spin around. A door opened and a female Romulan appeared, pulling down her uniform and straightening her sash. She looked up too late, though.
MJ grabbed each side of the Romulan's face and opened her dripping maw. Little Mouth shot out straight for the Commander's forehead.
"I likes to eat people from other planets" Little Mouth said before plunging into the Romulan's skull.
"Get back up inside me Little Mouth" MJ ordered. "Yuck. What a mess. I'll have to clean this up before I can wear her skin and uniform" and she grabbed the trail of toilet paper that was hanging from the back of the late Commander's knickers and started mopping up the blood and brains.

Back in the engine room, Tim had disentangled me from the humming machinery with a disappointingly minimum* amount of physical contact and flipped his communicator open.
"Kirk to Enterprise."
"Enterprise. Uhura here, Captain" an unfamiliar voice replied. We both looked at each other questioningly.
"Uhura?"
"It's me, Roses. MJ buggered off somewhere, so I stepped in as Miss Scarlet's still missing."
"Oh. Umm... OK, then." Tim gave me another look. I just rolled my eyes and shrugged. "Can you get us out of here?"
"You'll have to hold on a minute, Captain, Scotty's using the transporters at the moment. I'll call you when he's finished. Uhura, out." And with that she cut the connection.

A transporter chime from the main quarters brought MJ out of ~~her~~ the Romulan Commander's dressing room where she'd collapsed in a chair in exhaustion after clearing up after Little Mouth.
"What the- ?"
A figure solidified in the beam.
"Zachary Quinto Spock?!" MJ was almost beside herself with lust. As the beam faded out, MJ's face fell in recognition. "Oh. Leonard Nimoy Spock. Oh, well. You'll do."
She rushed up to the freshly coalesced Spock and flung her arms around him.
"Huh?" Spock was alarmingly cardboardy.
A voice rang out over the comm as both MJ and Carboard Cut-out Spock dematerialised: "Surprise!"

"Enterprise to Captain Kirk."
"Kirk here. Go ahead Uhura."
"We're ready to beam you out now."
"About time. Two to beam out."
"Two?" Roses asked.
"Yeah. I've got the cloaking device." Tim sounded less than thrilled. "Only it's not a cloaking device, it's Cloaking DeVice, A.K.A. IDV."
"Ah. Oh. Stand by."
"Well. You needn't sound so disappointed" I said. "It wasn't my fault we ended up here."
"What?!" Tim was incredulous.
I looked at him blankly for a moment before remembering that, actually, it was my fault. "Oh, yes..."
Luckily the transporter beam caught us at that awkward moment.

Aboard the Enterprise, Tim and I headed to the bridge on a turbolift. The doors opened on to a scene unlike any either of us recognised from Star Trek.
Sulu and Chekov were bickering at their console in front of the viewscreen.
"I told you we'd only get a small part" Beast grumbled to CyberPetra.
"Yeah" moaned 'Petra. "Small part, no action. I knew I shouldn't've bothered coming back to play Chekov again."
A rather odd looking Romulan Commander with ill-fitting skin appeared to be ~~sucking the face off~~ making out with Commander Scott. Or was it Commander Tucker? The fit body and Southern accent certainly indicated it was the latter. Cardboard Cut-out Spock just looked on blankly.
"Ah don't feel comfortable doin' this in front of Spock" Eros mumbled in his Texan drawl, wiping Alien drool from his face.
"Well, he just stood there doing nothing. Besides, he's made of cardboard - What does he care?" MJ retorted letting Little Mouth out for another go.
And Uhura sat in the command chair resting her chin in her hand as she leaned on the arm, also surveying the goings on around her. She acknowledged our presence and the scene with a tremendous roll of her eyes.
"This corralling the crew is hard bloody work" she sighed. "Getting them all to be where they're supposed to be is exhausting. They're like a bunch of shitting kids! I'm not sure if I want to be the Corrallerererer Officer anymore."
"You're not quitting!" Tim burst out. "We've already gone through two Uhuras, I don't think I can cope with getting used to a fourth. You're staying put." Turning to me, he continued "Some belated birthday this has turned out to be."

The End

* One has to wonder if there are any minidads to go with the minimums?

8

2010-11-14T22:02:00.002Z

I stole this from the lovely Savannah. Ages ago, I might add. I'm bringing it out now to bide myselves some time.

1. Why did you start blogging? Well, it was after I came across Glitter For Brains in Spring 2005 that I thought "This looks fun. I'd like to do something like it, too." Of course, my innate laziness meant that it wasn't until October 2005 that I actually got around to creating the blog. It was also the time that I, Inexplicable DeVice, witch extraordinaire, dropped in and made the Host's life more eventful and exciting!
And more troublesome, complicated and tiring.

2. If you could travel anywhere in the world, with no restrictions on cost, where would it be, and why? I'd love to go to Australia and Canada to meet other bloggers, and to Madagascar, Papua New Guinea or the South American rainforest to be where people are not and observe nature in the raw.

3. Did you have a teacher in school that had a great influence on your life? If so, what? I did, actually. And that teacher was The Mother! She used to teach at the primary/infant school I went to. She didn't teach me, but did have a big influence on my life, what with bringing me up and all.

4. If you could spend the day with a famous person, who would it be, and what would you do? Oh, gosh. Perv overload! There's nothing to say that this had to be tasteful, so my mind is now racing with images of Connor Trinneer, Jake Gyllenhaal, James Franco, Tim et al in various states of undress. However, decency may just kick in and-

Oh. Decency did kick in.

Thinking about it, though, I don't know if I would want to spend a day with someone famous as I'd get to know them a little which would kill their mystique.

5. Toilet paper - over or under? Most definitely over. Click here for more.

6. Name one thing in your life that you would do over if possible. Well, as long as it didn't screw with the space-time continuum, I'd, umm... Well, I don't know what I'd do over? I think that everything that's happened has made me what I - we - Sorry, what we, are today, so maybe we wouldn't change anything?

7. Tell us about your pets, if any. SP and I have a Moom. She's a very pretty Weimaraner and is our dog daughter.

8. Do you live in a small town or a large town? We live in a city. And to save Tim the bother of disagreeing (again), I have taken the liberty of posting a couple of earlier responses of his as to the status of Norwich. It is a small one, though, but definitely a city due to having at least one cathedral (Norwich has two cathedrals, actually, so our city-status is doubly assured).

Oops! I forgot about that second comment.

Daintiness always wins!

2010-11-10T00:01:00.007Z

With another Coven member's help, I've discovered the embarassing reason why Tim keeps spurning my advances:

So, Tim, my daintiness is now assured thanks to new quick Lux. This will be a birthday we'll both remember!

Right. All that's left to do is to check out Memory Alpha to do a little research before heading over The Cusp. One can always count on it to supply pure, sweet facts:

The Gunpowder Plop

2010-11-05T23:59:00.000Z

She said she was bursting for the loo. I didn't realise she meant it literally until she exploded.

I told her smuggling gunpowder would be her undoing.

The Passenger

2010-10-31T17:11:00.002Z

The post I had hoped to bring you (and its sequels) are not yet fit for human consumption, so I bring you a short film instead. Not by me, obviously, as that would have entailed a lot of hard work. No. This film is by Chris Jones and can be found on YouTube (good old YouTube - The saviour of lazy bloggers everywhere) or at his home page. If you have seven minutes to spare I certainly recommend watching it. It really is very good!

For those of you who wondered what I meant by last Sunday's crackBOOM post - because you didn't read the secret text (kudos to xl, and probably Princess too for finding it), not that it was particularly revealing anyway - I had found myself plunged into a pit of despair and despondency, and couldn't get out of it to read all of your blogs, not to mention keep mine up to date. I managed to heave myself out, though, but not in time to finish the planned Hallowe'en postings. Sorry.
Anyway, I've left a hint on the aforementioned post if you do feel like reading it, and here are the snips from the comments that prove xl (and probably Princess, but definitely not BEAST) found the text:

'How many nipples hae ye got?'*

2010-10-31T08:08:00.001Z

29. Good Omens, by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman

Funnily enough, I liked this book better before IDV arrived on the scene. The bit where the angel Aziraphale takes up residence in rubbish medium Madam Tracy's body as they ride to avert the apocalypse on her elderly scooter (complete with Witch Finder Sergeant Shadwell on board), is now quite poignant.

Clicking here will take you to L-Space, where you can read some quotes and annotations from the book.

* from page 169.

30. Nero, by Mike Johnson, Tim Jones & David Messina

No you're not having deja vu, I have already read this book and posted about it. As you can see here - It's number 13.

31. Star Trek: Countdown, by Tim Jones, Mike Johnson, Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman with art by David Messina.

Ummm... Yeah, I've read and posted about this one, too. Although, at least this one was from last year...

32. Strata, by Terry Pratchett

"The excavation showed the fossilized plesiosaur had been holding a placard which read. 'End Nuclear Testing Now'.
That was nothing unusual.
But then came a discovery which did intrigue Kin Arad.
A flat earth was something new..."

~ ~ ~

Yes, I know it's Hallowe'en today. No, this isn't the Hallowe'en post. I'll post it this evening when it is actually Hallowe'en.
Sorry I haven't got around to visiting your blogs lately - I've been somewhat... Inconvenienced.

What? Didn't anyone read the secret text in the last post?

* sigh * I don't know why I bother, I really don't ...

Oh, bugger.

2010-10-24T22:02:00.001+01:00

I have inadvertantly ended up in a Dark Place. Quite which one I do not know?
As long as things go my way, I shall be out for All Hallows Eve.

Mwah hah hah hah haa!

The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Map update

2010-10-17T19:27:00.000+01:00

CyberPetra has finally rid Denmark of the 'Shorts. They are now safely ensconced in the mitts of Donn in Canada. So, with that in mind, I've updated the 'Shorts Map to show their latest global position:

As regular readers can see, I haven't yet redone the map as I've often threatened. I'll do it next time, I promise!

Anyway, Donn is holding the FGES Caption Competition as we speak. If you want to enter for a chance to feel the combustible fibres of the infamous 'Shorts rasping against your skin, then may I suggest you get yourself over to Donn's and leave a caption forthwith. I won't be entering again as I've already had the 'pleasure' of hosting the diabolical garment. However, any captions I do leave will be on behalf of Tim, who says he doesn't want the 'Shorts anywhere near his "awesome manparts" - his own words (and quite frankly, who are we to doubt him? I've even offered to inspect them and issue a certificate as to their awesomeness, but Tim has, strangely, yet to get back to me...) - but I think he secretly does!
For those few of you who have no idea what The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts are, click here for MJ's Definitive History.

Good luck!

P.S. Sorry I haven't got back to you in the comments of the last couple of posts, or even visited your own blogs lately, for that matter - Time has escaped me, but when I finally catch up to it, I'll pin it down so I can be more sociable.

Night* of the Living Lunch

2010-10-12T17:47:00.001+01:00

The zombies seemed particularly eager this morning on my walk to work. As I upped my step from shuffle to plod to match their gait and, therefore, not draw any undue attention, I did a mental inventory of my bag in case I had to suddenly scarper to escape the massing hoardes. I wanted to be sure I had enough supplies to keep me going should the End Of The World arrive ahead of schedule.
I had a box of maple & pecan cereal that I had the foresight to put in my bag last night lest I forget to this morning. There were two apples, one from our tree and one from The Parent's, a slice of carrot & orange cake that The Mother brought around yesterday afternoon, and the wra-

Shiiiiiit! I'd forgotten my lunch!

I'd made a chilli chicken wrap this morning and left it in the fridge! I was so dejected that I thought about throwing myself in front of the nearest zombie and ending it all. Luckily, one of the SubC's stepped in and pointed out that SP may bring my lunch with him when he leaves for work so I could retrieve it from him at lunch time.

Not long after I got to work, I had an email from SP. He said he'd stop by my office and drop my lunch off when he comes to work. Yay! My belly's anticipation would get its just desserts. or main course, even.

Tragedy struck, however. He called me later - the line was really bad - and through his garbled words I heard him say he got stuck and couldn't make it. Oh no! I thought, I'd forgotten to tell him about the zombies! After I blurted out the story of my journey with the living dead this morning, he told me to stop being a silly witch and that he was just in a traffic jam. It turned out that there were no zombies milling about and that what I saw earlier must have just been the dead-eyed call-centre employees on their way to work. I wasn't convinced, though - I'm sure some of them must have been the undead.

SP emailed me again once he'd got to work and told me he gave my lunch to one of his work colleagues! Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh! My lunch!

* Although, technically, it was day...

Re-Coven-ing

2010-10-09T00:11:00.002+01:00

A flash of light illuminates the whirling dust and coalesces into a figure. As the light dims, details can be made out. It is tall and appears to be wearing a cloak and a wide brimmed, pointed hat. As the light dims further, more details start to become apparent but, before its facial features become discernible, it raises a slender but male arm from within the billowing cloak and pulls the hat's brim down obscuring his face. His head sweeps from side to side, observing the featureless surroundings, except that there are features. Or, at least, there were. Remnants of things past litter the flat landscape: Old stories lie crumbling like fallen buildings. Narratives and tales wind through the old stories in advanced states of decay like the dead sloughed skins of giant serpents. Thoughts and ideas, once articulate and animated like birds in flight now lay where they fell, husks of nothing.
"Hmmm..." the figure mutters to himself. "This will do nicely" and he withdraws his other arm from the cloak, the folds of dark fabric catching and falling from the staff he holds. But it's not really a staff. The skyward pointing end is bound by stiff bristles and the long shaft is gnarled and twisted. The figure raises the broom and then quickly drives it down again, striking the dust.

Another flash of light heralds a second figure. Not as tall as the first, but also not as slight. It has a sculpted, athletic look to it - definitely male. Although appearing topless in the initial blinding light, telltale folds on the edges of the broad shoulders and narrow waist and hips disappointingly reveal that the lithely muscular man is wearing a fitted t-shirt. As he nods in greeting to the first figure and also surveys the surroundings, a third flash of light signals the arrival of someone else.

This one looks most peculiar in the fading bright aura. Very tall but, at a second glance, the height appears to be down to aides. Specifically, high heels and a towering wig. His eyes - despite the heels and wig, this one was most definitely a he - his eyes are surrounded by a halo of glitter as is his pouting mouth. His lips are full and slick with gloss and sparkling lipstick. An almost sheer, iridescent mermaid dress split to the upper thigh clings to his body and shapely legs before fanning out around his killer heels.

The fourth and fifth flashes of light don't appear as bright as the first three, but only because the sky around them is lightening in a sort of pseudo-dawn. The dust that had been swirling around in the breeze and filing down the ruins is almost all gone now leaving the plain flat and smooth. These final two figures appear to be male and female and they are bickering. The male, who wears a sensible anorak, carries a Roy Cropper bag full of Tupperware containers of, what smells like, chickpea curry. Resting atop these tubs are various types of tropical fruit but, strangely by their absence, no pineapples - Must be something to do with mau mau? The shapely female is barely wearing a plunging fitted top and carries a long leather whip which she threatens her companion with when unleashing a particularly nasty epithet aimed at him.

Suddenly, a shrill tone pierces the still, quiet atmosphere - It's an annoying Nokia-style ringtone. Four faces wince and turn to glare at the male carrying the bag, their eyes narrowed. The man in the anorak rummages frantically in his bag, spilling fruit everywhere until he pulls out an apple, but not of the fruit variety.
"Yes?" he hisses, answering the slab-like mobile phone. An authoritative, strident voice bellows from the tiny speaker, distorted by the volume. "But I'm in the middle of something" he whined. The distorted voice shouts something else. "No. It's really important." More harsh volume erupts from the phone. "But it's my day off!" What sounds like a scoffing laugh comes from the speaker. "But-"
"Oh, for Christ's sake!" the woman snaps and snatches the phone from the cowering, flinching man before throwing it to the ground and grinding it beneath her heel.
The other three figures breathe a collective sigh of thankful relief.

"This place is ripe for the taking" the First says only just loud enough to be heard over the whispering wind and still glowering at the ex-phone wielding man. "Come, let us gather our armies of darkness. Flying Monkeys, to me!"
"Red Shirts, assemble!" the Second commands.
"Entourage!" says the Third, snapping his well manicured fingers.
"Come hither, my League of Extraordinary HouseBoys!" the Fourth barks.
"Banana Splits" sighs the Fifth, clearly not entirely happy with his milling army.

The Second laughed as he observed the gathered troops. "The nightmare that became a reality and spread throughout the blogs" he observed in his best Captain Kirk voice.

And the Age of the Second Coven begins...

Oink! Farewell Piggy.

2010-10-03T16:22:00.003+01:00

MJ emailed me this morning with some very sad news: Alas, our friend Piggy has passed on. Left this world for something new.

Piggy in his normal attire.

Anyway (Piggy's favourite word), I was privileged enough to have met John and Martin, aka Piggy & Tazzy, two years ago. I was pleased to discover that, as well as being a moaning, whinging, ginger cunt (Piggy's favourite insult), Piggy was also an intelligent, funny, opinionated (in a good way, of course) and loving man.

Piggy: You will be remembered fondly and with love. And also for your bum-bearing antics!

We can just kiss his arse goodbye.

Tazzy: You have my love and deepest sympathies.

If you didn't know Piggy very well, or just want to remember him and his antics (both real and made up), please visit MJ's blog by clicking here - MJ helpfully has a category in her blog labelled 'Piggy'.

Images courtesy of MJ.

Cusp Trek IV: Le Voyeur Homo

2010-09-29T00:01:00.014+01:00

Continued from Cusp Trek III: The Search For Sanity...

"How do you feel?" The computer intoned, growing ever more shrill. "How do you feel? How do you feel?"
Cardboard Cut-out Spock just looked at it blankly until a scraping noise from behind distracted him. It was his mother, Cardboard Cut-out Amanda.
"[silence]?" she asked her seemingly bewildered son.
"[silence]" Spock replied.
"[silence]" Amanda explained to her son.
"[silence]"

Look. This does go on a bit, so let's just skip it. It's not even that important. Why would you even want to stick around not hearing what two cardboard cut-outs are not saying to each other due to their lack of vocal chords?
Spock's not even that important in this story anyway.
Oh, and if you're wondering why they're made of cardboard and not real bloggers, it's because Tim, split into his Virtuous and Vicarious halves, was playing both Kirk and Spock respectively in the first two Cusp Treks and now that he's become amalgamated he can't play both again.
Don't bother asking why someone else couldn't have played Spock and Amanda - The budget is already through the roof!

~ ~ ~

"Right then" Tim said as we all stood next to our captured Dra'Kling Bus-class vessel Priscilla before boarding. "Are we all ready to go? Scotty?"
"Aye, Sirrr" Eros confirmed, attempting to roll his R's in a Scottish accent.
"Bones?"
"Aye, Sir" I replied.
"Sulu?"
"Ye... Yes, Mr C- I mean, Aye, Sir" Beast flinched reflexively.
"Uhura?"
MJ was oblivious as she adjusted her bouffant, trying to cover up her Alien Queen crest with strands of hair.
"Uhura?" Tim asked again
MJ looked up at him, confusion slapped across her face. "Me?" she said, pointing at herself. Then the penny dropped. "Oh. Yessss. Me. Aye, Ssssir" she hissed at last.
"Didn't you used to be Miss Scarlet? And less... Droolsome?" Before MJ could reply Tim shook his head as he noticed Chekov at the end of the line. "Never mind."
"Chekov?" he questioned, leaning in for a close look. "CyberPete? Is that you under that Davy Jones wig?"
"No, Sir. It's me: Princess!" Tim blushed as Princess curtsied at him suggestively. "'Petra said he had some business to attend to and asked if I could take his place. I said yes as I had nothing in particular on..." Tim's eyes widened at the obvious double entendre. "I had clothes on, of course!" Princess suddenly screamed, and batted Tim's shoulder then winked at him much to my disgust. "Ooh, you are awful!"
"Oh gods" Tim muttered. "Right. Come on. Let's go before we have any more unannounced cast changes."

~ ~ ~

"Shhhhit. What the Hell isss that beeping? Why won't it sssstop?" MJ flailed at the toggles and buttons on her communications switchboard desperately. "Why the Hell didn't I ressssearch thisss Ssstar Trek malarkey? And I musst try to stop hissssing, too." she continued to herself. "Oh, hang on..." she muttered as a comm channel came to life. "Uh... Tim, I mean Captain Kirk?"
Tim turned in his seat, leaving the others to continue the discussion about the stacking ability of Lack tables from Ikea. "What is it, Uhura?"
"I'm receiving a recorded message from Lieutenant Trillya of the starship Shepard."
"Put it on speakers, then."
After a couple of ham-fisted attempts, MJ eventually found the right control.
"Do not approach planet Earth. The transmissions of an orbiting probe are causing critical damage to the Earth, almost totally ionizing the atmosphere. All power sources have failed and all Earth-orbiting starships are powerless. It's like gridlock in rush hour around here. The probe has vaporized soap opera sets and characters in Melbourne, Australia - We will not get any more episodes of Neighbours unless we can find a way to respond. Save your soap operas, save yourselves. Avoid the planet Earth at all costs. Farewell."
"Shit."
"Uhura, can you let us hear the probe's transmissions?"
"Aye, Sir."
A dreadful caterwauling erupted from the the Priscilla's speakers, distorting them horribly. Eventually, after much wincing and eye narrowing, MJ switched them off and we all took our fingers out of our ears.
"[Silence]" commented Cardboard Cut-out Spock.
"What was that, Spock?" Tim interpreted. "You think the signal signifies aliens of great intelligence that somehow, are unaware of the signal's destructive nature. You find it illogical that the probe's intention is hostile?"
"Oh, so you think this is the Probe's way of saying 'Hi there' to the people of the Earth?" I snapped at Spock.
"[Silence]" he responded.
"Spock says: 'There are other forms of intelligence on Earth, Doctor. Only human arrogance would assume the message must be meant for man'."
"Jeez" I sighed, exasperated.
"Could the signal be meant for a lifeform other than man?" Tim asked.
"Well, Lieutenant Trillya did say that the transmissions were aimed at Australia" MJ pointed out.
"That's crazy! Who would send a probe across the galaxy to talk to Australians?"
"Not talk, Doctor. Listen" and Princess cocked his head to one side. "The transmissions sound almost like music - It could almost be called singing!" He turned to MJ and asked "Uhura, can you let us hear the Probe's transmissions accounting for regional accent, lung capacity and tightness of gold lamé hot pants?"
"Yes, Prince- Sorry. Sorry. Yes, Chekov. On speakers."

"Captain, I pressed some more buttons and twiddled a few knobs and discovered another transmission buried within the main signal. Translating now..."
A shrill, petulant voice erupted from the speakers: "Why have you stopped broadcasting Kylie's music? Where is she? And where's my champagne?"
We all looked at one another in amazement as we recognised the voice. It was CyberPetra!
"Well? Am I just supposed to hang around in orbit all day? And on my birthday, too. I demand immediate recompense for this disgraceful lack in standards. I want Kylie singing live for me. I'm not asking for the impossible - Just perfection. Surely you concede that I deserve it? Why can't you people buck your ideas up and resolve this fiasco?"
"Well. It seems we've no choice but to find Kylie and persuade her to give an impromptu concert for 'Petra" Tim sighed. "Anyone know where she lives?"
"Paris, I believe" I said.
"Right. Paris it is then. Everyone got your anti-jet lag pills? We'll be crossing several time zones on the way there."

~ ~ ~

"Captain!" MJ blurted out not long after we arrived in Paris airspace. "I have live Kylie song! It's coming from directly ahead." She consulted her board again. "This is confusing - It's coming from the hospital."
"Can you confirm?"
"Confirmed, Captain. Kylie is giving a small charity concert to aide the hospital."
"We have to get in there and get her to come to Australia with us. We'll need to look like doctors" Tim pondered. "There must be something in this giant dressing-up box of a vessel" he said holding up a particularly vile besequined spandex body suit between his thumb and forefinger and grimacing.
We all rummaged through the cupboards, wardrobes and closets built into the Priscilla.
"Will these do, Cap'n?" Eros said triumphantly as he held aloft three white lab coats with only a minimal dusting of glitter.

~ ~ ~

In the hospital we quickly located where Kylie was performing, but I stopped by an old lady obviously in pain.
"What's the matter with you?" I said as Tim and Princess hurried on to get Kylie.
"Kidney... Dialysis" she moaned.
"Dialysis?!" I was aghast. "What is this, the Dark Ages?" I muttered as I reached into my bag and produced some pills, giving one to her. "Here. Swallow this. If there's any problem, call me."
As I strode down a corridor to find Tim and Princess, they found me.
"Oof!" I said as the stretcher they were pushing bashed into my leg.
"Run!" Princess cried, bashing me again with the stretcher.
"What's going on?" I said running alongside them. "Who's under there?" I pointed to the struggling mound on the stretcher covered in a sheet.
"Kylie" Tim said. "She wouldn't come willingly so Princess stuffed her mouth full of tongue depressors to stop her protesting and we... Well, we kidnapped her."
"Oh, gods..." I swore.
As we careered down the long corridors towards the exit, I spied some commotion around an old lady's bed - The same old lady I'd hurriedly treated on the way in for kidney failure.
"The doctor gave me a pill and I grew a new head! The doctor gave me a pill and I grew a new head!" she shrieked from both mouths.
"Oh, drat! Wrong pill" I muttered as we ran past.

~ ~ ~

Once back aboard the Priscilla, we returned to Australia but before we could land, 'Petra's infernal transmissions disrupted our ship's systems.
"By all means move at a glacial pace. You know how much that thrills me." And he continued: "It's just baffling. Why is it so impossible to put together a decent run-through? You people have had hours and hours to prepare. It's just so confusing to me."
Unfortunately, we had no choice but to listen to his tirade as we crashed into Port Phillip Bay.

Once we'd all dragged ourselves out of the Priscilla and had congregated on it's roof, we contemplated what to do next.
"Quick" Tim urged. "Throw her in!"
"What?!" Kylie was livid. "Rack off. I'm a pop star not a wha-"

* splash *

"Why doesn't she sing?" Tim asked plaintively after having pushed the diminutive singer into the choppy sea.
"I'm a doctor, not an expert in human biolo-" I began before realising that, in fact, I was supposed to be an expert in human biology. "Because she's drowning, you dolt!" I snapped at Tim as he struggled to keep her head under water.
"Get 'er oot of thar!" said Eros in an almost convincing Scottish accent, then hauled her out of the cold waves.
"Sing, godsdammit!" Tim clenched his fists in impotent rage.
Eros had laid Kylie out on the hull and was looking expectantly at me.
"What?" I snapped again.
"Yurrrr th' doctorrr" he drawled, his accent not so good this time.
"Ohforheavenssakes" I muttered rolling my eyes as I contemplated mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. "No" I declared as I straddled Kylie. "I haven't kissed a girl yet, and I'm sure as hell not going to start now." I began beating her chest with my right hand instead.
"Stop punching her in the boob!" MJ cried.
"Yeah, you do that in Star Trek VI to revive Chancellor Gorkon, remember?" Beast surprised everyone by backing up MJ.
"What? Oh. Yes." Kylie stirred beneath me. "Are you all right, Miss Minogue?"
Glaring at me through narrowed eyes as she propped her self up on her elbows, Kylie answered "Just about. And get off me!"
Once I'd disengaged from her, Kylie got to her feet and started rubbing her left boob. "Ooh, that really hurt, you quack!"
"Look, are you going to sing, or not?" Tim interjected. "CyberPetra will destroy the planet, if not."
"OK, OK. Here goes:"

"Oh! You did it! Thank you" 'Petra gushed from orbit. "Now, just sing Celebration in honour of my birthday then we can call it quits."

The end?

Hssssssssssss

Happy birthday CyberPete!

Cusp Trek III deleted scenes

2010-09-27T18:49:00.001+01:00

The Enterprise hung before the Priscilla, small explosions pitting it's alabaster hull. Suddenly, the saucer section was consumed in a massive explosion, propelling debris everywhere. Some of it heading towards them. One piece in particular struck the rear axle, but no one noticed as it didn't cause any damage.

The debris was Commander Krude. And she was still alive!

Under the Priscilla, Krude reached out and grabbed the rear axle, her skin splitting apart like a giant chrysalis. Except that instead of a beautiful butterfly an horrific Alien Queen emerged!

She wormed her way up the waste pipe of the Priscilla and into the small lavatory cubicle recently vacated by Malteser. MJ didn't have to wait long before Uhura popped in...

"There'ssssss ssssssssomeone in here!" She called out grinning and drooling as the cubicle door opened on her.
"Holy crap!" Miss Scarlet cried as she skidded in the drool and careered head long into MJ's outstretched arms - All six of them!
"Thissss'll teach you to undermine the Infomaniac Housssssse of Beauty" and MJ paralysed poor Miss Scarlet with her tail stinger before relieving her of her make-up bag and stripping her of her uniform and wig. After bundling her up in thick resin secreted from her slavering maw, MJ stuck Miss Scarlet to the ceiling, squeezed into the Starfleet uniform, pulled on the wig and trowled on some slap.
"There" she said, checking out her reflection in the mirror. "I'm good to go!"
"Ha!" Miss Scarlet scoffed before passing out.

"People don't need bridges, they use hovercars."*

2010-09-26T14:12:00.000+01:00

Blimey! I've just realised that I've already read more books this year so far than in all of 2008 (23 in total - my best reading year since taking up blogging). So, without further ado, may I present the three books I've read this month:

26. Star Trek - The Art of the Film, by Mark Cotta Vaz

This was a birthday present from Indescribable. Although my birthday was back in March, Indescribable only saw fit to give me this book at the end of August - Lazy, thoughtless wench. Still, it was a nice surprise as I'd completely forgotten that she hadn't given me anything!
This took barely any time to read as it is mostly pictures, which is a bit disappointing as the last Art of Star Trek had quite a lot of text to go with its images, giving explanations and history for them.

* From page 51.

27. The Time Traveller's Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger

This one's a re-read. I first read it back in 2006 and it became part of this book meme.

It's still a lovely read: Intriguing, thoughtful, emotional and revealing.

28. Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, edited by Dean Wesley Smith

This is an anthology of short stories "by the fans, for the fans!", the first in a series of ten. My favourite story amongst the twenty in this book is second prize winner: Of Cabbages and Kings, by Franklin Thatcher. The short story is about how the Enterprise NCC 1701-D deals with its sudden instant transport to another universe leaving all the crew behind.

I have to confess that I didn't read all the stories in this book as this is another re-read and I only wanted to read my favourite ones.

Cusp Trek III: The Search For Sanity

2010-09-23T17:56:00.004+01:00

Continued from Cusp Trek II: The Lust of IDV...

"C'mon" Vicarious Tim wheedled from within me.

Not that type of within mores the pity, just think of him as an extra SubC. Look, I've even gone so far as to colour him in red to make it easier for us all.

"I want to go to yoga."

"Well, I don't" I retorted.
"But you ought to go - You're very stiff."
"No. You are. And I'm going to stay here with Monsieur Palm and his five strapping sons to sort that out."
"Urgh! You're not. We're going to go to yoga. And that's final!"
"Ooh, I love it when you're all commanding and masterful" I teased humourlessly as the part of Vicarious Tim within Broom manoeuvred our transportation to my grasp.
Tim shuddered within me. Again, not that type of within, unfortunately. Before we could bicker any further, the doorbell rang. I was expecting The Coven at some point but didn't think they'd be around until the afternoon.
"Oh, dear gods" I muttered. "What lousy timing." Then, in a louder voice, for the door sensors to pick up, "Enter."
The front door swished open to reveal a figure in a hoody standing in the shadows. It raised it's hands and lifted the hood back.
"Tim!" I gasped.

It's probably best to keep reading while listening to this - It does go on a bit.

After inviting the Virtuous Tim in and plying him with coffee and Fondant Fancies, I asked him why he had sought me out after all these months.
"I have come to extract Vicarious Tim so that he may take his rightful place with me again" he said through a mouthful of feather-light sponge and pink icing.
"Oh, thank gods" I almost cried with relief. "He's driving me crazy with all his demands, and just look at these blisters on my fingers and palms from spending too much time with his long, thick shaft."
Virtuous Tim nearly spat out his cake. "What?!" he choked.
"You know" I said, confused and slightly alarmed by Virtuous Tim's extreme reaction. "I've been riding him a lot."
The look on Virtuous Tim's face alternated between horror and violation. "You mean, you've been... Uh... You know... Umm..." he stuttered.
"Oh, no. Not that! That fizzled out pretty quickly." I shuddered as I remembered all the arguments and clashes over dominance and detail. "No. Once demolecularised, there was a lot of him to go around, so what I couldn't channel into Broom, I took within me. He's very demanding: Yoga, gigs, shopping, Ikea, bike riding... He won't let me sit still! If I'd known just how high maintenance he is, I wouldn't've bothered taking him within me and Broom in the first place." Virtuous Tim was visibly relieved
"Well" he said, "It sounds like I arrived in the nick of time. We'll fly to ~~Australia~~ Vulcan where the reintegration ceremony will take place."
"Austra- I mean: Vulcan?" I was aghast. "Not on Broom, we won't. Not if we want to get there in one piece!"
"Don't worry" Virtuous Tim reassured me. "In the time it's taken you to post part three of this story, I've commandeered a starship to transport us: The Enterprise!"
I rolled my eyes and muttered about a starship being overkill for a trip only half way around the planet. Luckily, Virtuous Tim was oblivious to my reaction as he continued to talk.
"My crew are standing by ready to receive us. I'd be grateful if you'd give the word, IDV?"
"The word is given" I sighed, humouring him, as I put down my coffee and stood up, grabbing Broom as I did so. I stood there for several seconds, perplexed as Virtuous Tim headed towards the door. "Umm... Aren't we going to beam up?" I asked.
"Ah... No. She's parked outside" he explained somewhat defensively and left the building.

Outside Castle DeVice, Miss Scarlet, Eros, 'Petra and Beast loitered.
"It's better than the first one, anyway" Miss Scarlet said.
"Well, pretty much anything would be" Eros replied. "I told him glueing a couple of nacelles on to his MINI Club~~foot~~man wouldn't cut it."
"At least this one almost looks the part" Beast said. "And we can all fit inside it."
"Where did you find it again, Beast?"
Beast looked a bit shifty before he answered 'Petra. "Umm... Oh, it was just lying at the roadside somewhere in Alberta. Ahem."
"Well, it looks great. And Eros has done a fantastic job of fixing up the innards."
"Thanks, 'Petra."
"Look out!" Beast hissed. "Here they come!"

"There she is" Virtuous Tim pointed. "My ship: The Enterprise!"
I looked over to where Tim was pointing and saw a group of familiar looking people dressed in Starfleet uniforms suddenly come to attention beneath a large, rather amateur-looking model of the USS Enterprise.
"And this is my crew" he said as we approached them. "You remember Scotty" Eros smiled politely in greeting and gave us a very un-Scottish 'Howdy'; "Uhura" Miss Scarlet smiled a little uncomfortably, then, when Tim wasn't looking, raised her phaser to her temple and faked blowing her head off; "Sulu and Chekov, don't you?" Beast and 'Petra just grimaced at each other and rolled their eyes.
"Yes, of course I do" I replied a little testily, realising just what fantasy Virtuous Tim was playing out.
"Now, now, Bones" he admonished. "Although, I suppose I can understand what with you having Spock, AKA Vicarious Tim, inside you."
I sighed and smiled fakely, but Virtuous Tim didn't seem to notice. I guessed that he was going slightly crazy as only half a person, and was finding solace in a world created from his interests and career. Sighing again, I followed the others and boarded the ship, taking the only spare seat on the bridge at the science station.

"Set course for Vulcan, best speed." Beast and 'Petra grimaced at each other again as they plotted a course for Australia. "Scan for vessels in pursuit."
"Scanning: Indications are negative at this time" I, or rather Vicarious Tim said through me.
Everyone turned to look at me, surprise plastered over their faces.
"Did I get it right?" I asked.
"You did great, Bones. Just great" Virtuous Tim replied.
"Oh, no, wait!" I took another look at the sensor data, this time without Vicarious Tim's interference. "A Dra'Kling ship is decloaking!" I put the image of the pink ship up on the main viewscreen. "It's a Bus-class long range scout. Hull markings identify it as one QotD Priscilla."
"Shields up" Virtuous Tim ordered. "Fire photon torpedo!"
Beast scoured the board in front of him. "I can't find the 'fire' button" he wailed. "Where is it? Oh, don't worry: I've got it" he said, much to our relief, and rather belatedly pressed the big red 'fire' button that was right in front of his face.
Unfortunately, he was too late. The Dra'Kling ship had already fired two rather disgusting looking torpedoes right at us!
"Oh, no! Poutine torpedoes incoming!"
"Reverse course! Evasive manoeuvres!"
But it was too late. The poutine torpedoes splattered against our windshield and clogged up the plasma exhaust vents and torpedo tubes. We were immobilised!
"We're being hailed."
"On screen" Tim ordered.
The viewscreen snapped into life displaying three familiar-looking women in elaborate costume.
"Ah, Tim-"
"Captain Kirk, actually" Tim said peevishly.
"Whatever. Anyway, we meet at last" the central figure with the severe fringe/bangs greeted him. "I am Commander Krude" MJ said, "and these are my officers Malteser and Skoda Felicia" she indicated to Snooze and Dinah, respectively.
"Why are you dressed as men?" Beast asked.
"Why are you even here?" Krude/MJ snapped back. "Anyway, shut up, I'm talking to Ti- Captain Kirk" and she turned her attention to Tim again. "It seems we have you at a disadvantage so prepare to be boarded."
"Give me a minute to inform my crew."
"I give you two minutes for you and your gallant crew."
"Shit! What are we going to do?" 'Petra said with a hint of panic once Miss Scarlet had switched the intercom off.
"Don't worry. I have a foolhardy but also foolproof plan" Tim replied. "When they beam over here, we'll beam over there after setting the self destruct!"
A round of gasps erupted from the crew.
"What? You've seen Star Trek III haven't you? You knew this was going to happen. Besides, time's up - We have to get going." He turned to Eros, who was inexplicably wearing nothing but his blue underwear. His look now matched his southern accent - he was more Trip than Scotty. Somehow, Tim managed to overlook this and asked "Scotty, have you set the self destruct?"
"Aye, Sir" Eros confirmed. "Ah've poured sugar in the fuel tank and stuck a potato up the exhaust. She's all set, Cap'n."
"Good work, Mr Scott. Now, beam us over."
Eros twiddled some knobs and the transporter beam took us. We materialised on board the Priscilla, surprising Malteser who'd been in the loo and so wasn't transported to the Enterprise with Krude, Skoda and the rest of the crew.

Aboard the Enterprise, Krude was livid. "Where are they?" MJ raged.
"Haven't you seen Star Trek III either?" Dinah answered with an exasperated sigh. "Tim, IDV and co beamed over to our ship when we beamed here. If you want to join the Coven, you'll have to have more than a passing knowledge of Star Trek, you know."
"Why the Hell didn't you warn me before we beamed over?"
"Durrr... Because it would've ruined the story, of course!"
"But now we're trapped here" MJ looked at the temperature gauge, the needle of which was wobbling about in the red 'danger' zone, "and about to explode!"
"I don't care. I'm out of here, anyway. I've had enough of blogging so this is my way out."
"You can't just go and leave me here!"
"Watch me" Dinah said. "Good luck. Byeeee!" And she disappeared.

"What the-?" Snooze-as-Malteser started as Beast kicked open the cubicle door. She hastily dropped her book and pulled her trousers up as she stood up. "How embarrassing" she said as Tim looked him up and down. "I don't deserve to live."
"Fine. I'll kill you later" Tim flippantly agreed before returning to the cabin and peering out the window.
The Enterprise hung before the Priscilla, small explosions pitting it's alabaster hull. Suddenly, the saucer section was consumed in a massive explosion, propelling debris everywhere. Some of it heading towards them. One piece in particular struck the rear axle, but no one noticed as it didn't cause any damage.
"My God, Bones" Tim said. "What have I done?"
I rolled my eyes again, knowing what I had to say. "What you had to do. What you always do. Turn death into a fighting chance to live."
"C'mon. Let's get out of here" Miss Scarlet said nudging Eros, Beast and 'Petra.
"Which one's the damn anti-matter inducer?" Eros asked scanning the dashboard.
"This?" 'Petra said pointing at a small black button. "No, this!"
"This or nothing" Beast said prodding the green button 'Petra had pointed to last.
The Priscilla surged forward, on our way to Australi- Shit, sorry - Vulcan.

On 'Vulcan', we were greeted enthusiastically by Dora and her retinue of scantily clad bimbos.
"G'day! You made it, then?"
"Dora! Great to see you" Tim and I cried before remembering we were still supposed to be in the story.
"Come on then" she beckoned. "They're waiting for us up top." And with that she and her bimbos escorted us up a massive red rock where the ceremony to re-fuse Tim's vicarious spirit with his virtuous body was to take place.
In the circular open-air temple at the top were two blow up li-los, several large incense burners that looked suspiciously like barbecues (the smell thay gave off was definitely mouth watering) and a throne flanked by six muscular men wearing only swimming trunks. Sitting in the throne was another familiar face.
"Miss Smuggersham!"
"Well, it's T'Bird for the purposes of this story, actually" she said. "You know, what with Vulcan females generally having names that start with T apostrophe. I thought I'd haul out the old moniker. Great to see you! Now, you lot" and she waved at 'Petra, Beast, Eros and Miss Scarlet "make yourselves at home. There's some tinnies in that ice bucket over there and plenty of prawns on the barbie."
"Who's the keeper of the vicarious spirit, then?" T'Bird asked getting down to business.
"That'd be me" I raised my hand, the one that wasn't holding Broom. "Son of The Mother, son of The Father."
"The danger to thyself is as grave as the danger to Tim. You must make the choice."
"I choose the danger" I stated, then muttered "Hell of a time to ask..."
"OK. Pop yourselves down over here on these li-los and I'll see what I can do." Tim and I laid down either side of T'Bird. "Well, take your tops off, then!" she commanded. "I need skin to skin contact for this to work."
I removed my top, glad that the SubCs had bullied me into continuing with my morning swims and not letting myself go. Tim on the other hand looked horrified. T'Bird noticed his reticence at derobing.
"Don't worry" she said to him, "I don't need you and IDV to be in direct contact" she didn't see my look of disappointment as she spoke to Tim, "I'll be the conduit."
Tim breathed a sigh of relief then pulled his top off, luckily not hearing my and T'Bird's gasps of awe as his top rustled past his ears. T'Bird winked at me as we both ogled his six-pack and impressive chest. My hand tightened around Broom's thick shaft.

"Right then" she said. "Let's do it!" And with that she closed her eyes and began the spell to remove Tim's vicarious spirit from me and Broom and instill it within his virtuous, totally hot, body.

Hours later, after much ogling and feeling up by T'Bird, the ceremony was complete. As was Tim. I, however, felt somewhat empty and staggered a little as we made to join the others at the now cold barbecues. Tim reached out to steady me, a questioning look on his face.
"Are you OK? Do you know who I am?"
"Tim" I said. "Your name is Tim."

"...and the Adventure continues..."

... at some point. Hopefully on 'Petra's birthday if I get time.

P.S. This is my 600th post!

Strop

2010-09-20T15:44:00.000+01:00

OK, so we have decided to keep the Coven - Mainly because "fellow senior member" Tim had a diva strop (watch out 'Petra - You have competition) and threatened to leave because I'd inadvertantly forgotten to consult him! Obviously, I relented as I didn't want to be 'dancing on my own'.

Anyway, I have decided to unveil the new Coven lineup on the 5th anniversary of this blog which will be on 9th October. But before then there is another celebration of note (two, if we include 'Petra's birthday on the 29th of this month): The 600th post! In fact, this is post number 599 so I had better be off to think of something worth posting next time.

Farewell Dinah

2010-09-15T10:27:00.001+01:00

Here I am!

I know it looked like I was going to become a Weekend Blogger, but I can assure you that's not going to happen.

Hey? Who groaned?

Anyway, here I am blogging on a Wednesday - What more proof do you need?

Now. We'd better get down to business. And sad business at that: The Coven (as it was) is no more!

As you may have noticed, two of the Coven, Miss Smuggersham (formerly T-Bird) and Dora, have pretty much retired and are now on emergency standby duty only. Now, one of the remaining three members (including myselves, of course) has left the Blog World after four years of exemplary service: Dinah, your shoes can never be filled. Not because you've got weirdly shaped, big feet (you haven't, have you?), but because of who you are and what you've brought us.
Sadly, I can't link to any of her previous posts as they've all disappeared bar one, but Dinah has entertained us with, amongst other things, Olympic diving hunks, the 50 Book Challenge, snow, Librarian Girl, the delights of Tim (yay!) Hortons (oh), drunken blogging, TV shows & ads, a new job & apartment and, of course, her cocktail swigging South Park avatar!

This means there is now a coven of two which is highly unnatural and will encourage even more bickering so we'll never get anything done. We need more members!

I was considering holding X-Factor/Pop Idol-type auditions to try and pick new coven members, but I hate those shows and their cruelty of broadcasting the deluded, blatantly useless wannabes hapless attempts at singing. Instead, I have come up with a shortlist of experienced bloggers:

CyberPetra - Somewhat difficult due to being so highly strung. His diva-strops and thirst for champagne are legendary.
MJ - Is she too much of an adversary? Also prone to diva-strops and ~~pretty much anything with even a sniff of alcohol~~ champagne.
Beast - Unreliable due to the demands of Mr C? Then there's the stench from his duvet...
ErosWings - His morals may be a little high for some of the high jinks. Although, there was this (scroll about quarter of the way down to 'The prolific and hilarious YNF').
Spike - Certainly needn't worry about his morals (I believe he 'misplaced' them somewhere in 1987...), but the attendance register shows a lot of sick absences.
Tazzy & Piggy - So stripey and unruly! Plus, Piggy's binbag of a starfish would endanger us at every bending moment.
Snooze - I'm a little perturbed by her scary empathy with past-its-use-by-date fruit & vegetables.
Princess - Hmmm... Not enough experience as a Flying Monkey?

Or, perhaps I should just forget about the whole thing and disband the coven entirely?* After all, to some it may appear segregational or show favouritism. It's not, I can assure you - I just need someone who can keep their head in a crisis and cast a spell/hex/glamour in a tight spot. And that wasn't a euphemism!

Oh, what do do?!

* And keep Tim as my pet, obviously.

We can all safely say "cake" whilst MJ is out!*

2010-09-10T16:21:00.001+01:00

Cake! Cake! Cake!

As requested by Ponita, here are the secret cakes I made for SP (which he thought were lovely and not rude, Tim).

Thank you all for the compliments about the previous cake, by the way. My laziness has kicked in with a vengeance, hence the lack of individual replies in the last post.

* A quote from a very wise blogger.

Birthday cake

2010-09-04T14:27:00.001+01:00

Because I haven't got anything finished at the moment, may I present to you the cake I made for The Mother's birthday last week:

Unfortunately, SP liked it so much that he's practically forcing me to make another one just for him. I'm not going to though. Although, I have relented and made a smaller one that he doesn't know about which I've yet to decorate.

'Apparently Daddy's being a bit of a cunt'*

2010-08-30T00:01:00.001+01:00

Oh dear. What with one thing and another (namely getting rid of errant mythological infestations), I've only had the chance to read one book this month. Still, one is better than none, I suppose? And just like the last book, I read the majority of this one between calls at "work".

25. Getting rid of Matthew, by Jane Fallon.

Yes, it's chick-lit. But it's actually pretty good. Here's what some other people said about it.
I've had this book hanging around for ages, always putting it aside for another (usually Star Trek or Calvin & Hobbes-based) until I discovered the other day that I don't have any other books to read that I hadn't read before. In fact, this was one of the books that was in the loft that I couldn't be bothered to go up and get back in March.

Oh my gods! I've just wiki'd 'Jane fallon' for the link above and discovered that she's going out with that irksome clod Ricky sodding Gervais! Although, on the plus side, she has been involved with some of my favourite TV shows: Teachers, 20 things to do before you're 30 and This Life. Perhaps that would explain why I liked this book?

* said Claudia, who'd been practising and had a feeling she might be allowed to get away with it at that moment. 'Isn't he, Mum?'
Sophie laughed despite herself.
'Yes, sweetheart, he is a bit. And don't say that word.'

From page 62.

A matter of time

2010-08-28T14:01:00.000+01:00

It was whilst rooting through a box of old toys that I started to contemplate the mechanics of time travel. Plus, I'd just watched Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home in which Kirk and crew travel back in time in an old Klingon Bird of Prey to bring two humpback whales to their present to save Earth from the deadly transmissions of an orbiting probe.

Time travel, you see, is like travelling through a Slinky. When one enters the time stream, the most probable timeline spirals away directly ahead. However, glance left or right, up or down, and one can - somewhat nauseatingly - observe other less probable timelines branching of the main line. The further away from dead ahead one looks, the more peculiar - and nauseating the experience - will be.

Try not to lose your balance and fall in, though, as it's a bugger attempting to get back to where you entered. Oh, and try not to vomit, too, as Temporal Puke is a sod to clear up as it spreads rapidly down the spirals.

A Sequence of Unpalatable Events

2010-08-21T16:50:00.002+01:00

Time is fleeting, so I shall just present you with this brief series of minor calamities that have plagued me (so far) this week:

Sunday, 18:57 - Rifling through the freezer looking for something to have for dinner, I thought I saw a bag of peas move all by itself. Poking the peas with a lolly revealed a pair of eyes peering back at me from behind a garlic baguette. It seems we have a very small yeti living in our freezer.

Monday, 19:17 - I hear a faint scream of pain as I cut a ciabatta in half. After checking that the SubCs are OK, I resume the cutting, thinking that I must have imagined it. Another scream puts paid to the imagination theory. After a very close inspection of the ciabatta, I discover that it is, in fact, just a bread product after all. Slamming the bread knife down in frustration reveals the whereabouts and identity of the screamer: There was a wood nymph in the chopping board!

Tuesday, 03:46 - Three nannies land on the roof. How do I know this? Because of all the clattering and banging around, not to mention swearing that would make a sailor blush. And not one of them was as graceful as that evil witch Poppins. Moom was barking, SP was swearing and the gargoyles were lumbering about trying to avoid the errant nannies, scraping their stone feet, knuckles and tails across the tiles making a noise similar, but louder, to fingernails scraping down a blackboard.
In the - more civilised - morning, Moom discovered a brolly wedged in the fireplace and proceeded to shred the fabric from the metal ribs, discarding it all over the living room floor.

Wednesday, 17:33 - Get home from work to discover the landing carpet is very damp. Entering the bathroom provides the reason: Fishface has found out where I now live and taken up residence in the bath again! SP is understandably livid. Bloody naiads.

Thursday, 16:59 - Arrived home twenty minutes later than I'd hoped due to being waylaid by roadworks, only to find out that Svaathor has turned up early (I'd asked him to pop 'round to remove the naiad as he's experienced in such matters) and brought his (very hot) nephew and great niece.
Stunned at Gathiir's incredible good looks and super-fit body (Gathiir is one of the more human-looking Centaurs - Two legs, two arms, but rather horse-like ears and a splendid tail!), I was oblivious to stepping in his daughter's poo until he somewhat apologetically pointed it out. It seems they'd turned up an hour and a half ago but little Calreed couldn't hold on longer than an hour and a quarter.

Friday, 07:56 - SP unwittingly found out where that manticore went a couple of weeks ago.
"Where's the measuring jug?" he yelled from the kichen as I was moisturising in front of the mirror on the landing.
"In the cupboard under the sink" I yelled back, wondering if I had time to pluck my eyebrows.
"I've looked - It's not there" he replied a little testily.
"It bloody is!" I countered, having put it back there after he left it out last month when he used it to fill his car's screen wash up. "It's at the back, behind your flask." I started downstairs then heard an almighty crash.
"Fucking 'ell!" Careering down the rest of the stairs and into the hall, I saw SP brandishing the jug in the face of a now man-sized manticore admidst splintered shelves and bottles of cleaning products.
"Rrrrrrrooooooooooowwwaaarrrrrhhhh!" the beast roared.
With a very plasticky 'clonk', SP hit the manticore over the head with the jug. "Get out!" he almost screamed.
Very surprisingly, the manticore put a very hurt and pathetic look on it's face and it's tail between it's legs before running out of the kitchen, through the sun room and out the front, across the road, disappearing amongst the trees.
"Oh" I said, surveying the mess. "That's where it went."

And Today - To top it all off, that troll must have followed me home and has set up home under the stairs. I found it not an hour ago crouched behind the Dyson stuffing it's face with dog biscuits. I thought they'd been going rather quickly.
Anyway, after everything else that's happened, I just sighed, closed the cupboard door and left it there. I'll warn SP about it later.

But just where in Christmas are all these minor deities and mythological monsters coming from? Did someone turn the Ley-lines up to eleven? What next? A Phoenix in the oven?

Is anyone else being persecuted by preposterous pests?

Troll bridge

2010-08-15T23:14:00.001+01:00

Last week, there was a troll under the bridge I use to cross the river and get to work. Luckily, it seemed only to be visible to Cusp dwellers, the undead, the almost undead (i.e. me) and goats* rather than the general public. I mean, can you imagine the uproar if commoners caught sight of a bloody troll? It'd be like Cloverfield all over again. Although on a slightly smaller scale...

Anyway, I first saw it on Thursday as I was crossing Riverside Road in front of the train Station. Luckily, it was just returning to it's lair under the Foundry bridge [image via] after trying to eat Fekxzl, the Aviva (nee Norwich Union) Hell Portal demon. Quite why it didn't eat him I don't know, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it may have been due to Fekxzl's personal hygiene. Or lack thereof. So, I obscured myself and crossed the bridge hoping that the troll would have moved on by the time I left work.
It hadn't. I could see it lurking as I approached from Prince Of Wales Road. I was positive that it hadn't spotted me, so I obscured myself again and crossed the road hoping to get lost amidst a crowd of youths going the same way and make it safely to the other side. I almost made it, too. Almost.

It leapt up spitting and drooling, totally ignoring the tasty teenage delinquents (and in turn was ignored by them - After all, teenagers are more often than not far too self absorbed to notice anything other than themselves), fixating it's bloodshot gaze squarely at me. It gave me quite a start, let me tell you!
I glanced around just in case it was glaring at someone (or something) else, but my immediate vicinity was devoid of troll-prey. Having no other choice, I confronted the slavering beast and, after much sidestepping to avoid the dripping slobber, convinced it to eat a couple of the teenagers who were at that point slouching around at the other end of the bridge. To be fair, they were horrible little monsters and quite probably were actual demon spawn.

What I didn't appreciate was being thanked by the troll - with it's mouth still full of teenager - for pointing out the young and tender option, rather than just letting it eat a tough and stringy looking me!

* Norwich, being slap bang in the middle of a farming county, still sees it's fair share of farm animals wandering the streets. Although, the main type of farmyard creature found at large here are ducks, rather than goats.

Why do birds...

2010-08-12T20:21:00.000+01:00

... suddenly appear,

Well, maybe if one didn't wear a frock made of bread, then one wouldn't get pestered by ravenous flocks of sparrows, starlings and ducks!

Jean Paul Gaultier, what were you thinking? Honestly.

Exclusive!

2010-08-09T18:24:00.000+01:00

Is this really the first shock pic of post-30-days-of-yoga Tim? We knew he was becoming even more buff, but to this extent?

Tim's been surprisingly reticent to release photos of his new, yoga-enhanced physique, but with a modicum of judicious stalking, I have been able to capture this startling image. And, no, I don't quite know what's going on with all the stockings behind him. He must be practising for Christmas, or something? Anyway, you can read all about his 30 day challenge starting here. Beware though, there's farting, sweat-flicking and Tim's groin in Batman's face. Oh, and his arse in Captain Kirk's!

Today's the last day of his challenge, so maybe he'll treat us all to an official topless (and bottomless - although that may be pushing it) photo?

* crosses fingers *

Coming soon: You too can have a body like this - I'll show you how to stalk and kidnap your own buff yoga god!

Infestation

2010-08-08T18:44:00.000+01:00

Remember that manticore I found the other day? Well, today I happened upon something of a similar ilk. Somethings, in fact:

Leaving SP asleep in bed, I grabbed my glasses and water glass and went downstairs, blearily eyed, for some orange juice and a coffee to wake me up properly. In the kitchen, I tipped the remaining water from my glass away while reaching for the kettle, and heard a damp thud as something solid landed in the sink. Setting the glass down, I peered at the squirming fuzzy pink blob that floundered at the bottom of the sink. As I put my glasses on, the fuzzy blob came into focus making me draw in a sharp breath.

Oh, no! I thought. Not again. A Water-Baby infestation!

Glancing around the kitchen just confirmed it. They were everywhere! In the sink, the kettle, there were even two in Moom's water bowl! Good job I noticed before Moom came down wanting her breakfast otherwise she'd be in for a surprise. Although, her surprise wouldn't last for long as her hungry belly would override it and dig in.
Even the lounge wasn't spared. There was one 'baby in a vase of flowers and another swimming around in the lemon squash SP had left next to the sofa last night.

[Image via]

At least they're not fairies, I told myself. Nothing is quite as pernicious as an infestation of fairies. Plus, Water-Babies are easier to get rid of as long as one catches them all. Grabbing a bucket, I set to tipping them out of their vessels, scouring the house to ensure I caught every last one of the little monsters. I was most surprised to find a couple in the dishwasher, lurking in the drainage chute alongside a chunk of celery and a few bits of onion. Gritting my teeth, I picked up the detestable little creatures by their toes, trying to block out their high-pitched squeals, and plopped them into the bucket along with the others.
Satisfied that I'd got the lot, I took the bucket upstairs and tipped the whole lot into the loo, quickly slamming the lid down and flushing the chain.

Now all I have to do is find and pick up *shudder* all the tiny moist nappies that they'd left everywhere!

Cake? Duck!

2010-08-04T13:05:00.000+01:00

Christ Almighty! I only wanted a fondant fancy.

There was a manticore in the cake tin. A small one, mind, but still...

I opened the lid and a whirling ball of teeth, claws and posionous spines shot out straight for my face. Luckily, my reflexes hadn't taken the day off so I managed to duck and avoid the little monster whose face looked strangely familiar.

Gods only know where it is now, though. It shot across the kitchen, ricocheted off the oven door and disappeared behind the fridge. I would pull the fridge out to take a look but I'm rather concerned at what else may be lurking down there. Especially as it's been a while since SP has cleaned behind it.

Maybe it'll eat all the crumbs and teabags that I'm positive hibernate down there?

Star Selection 3

2010-08-01T17:27:00.001+01:00

What? I didn't say I was going to do a proper post immediately, just that it'd be soon. Not as soon as this, though.

Our dinosaur is a fraud.*

2010-07-31T13:18:00.001+01:00

Book update. This last minute entry was read over the last three days between dullsville phone calls.

24. The Authoritative Calvin & Hobbes, A Calvin & Hobbes Treasury by Bill Watterson. Includes cartoons from Yukon Ho! and Weirdos From Another Planet!

* This quote comes from page 166, the penultimate panel of a strip in which Calvin & Hobbes unearth a "dinosaur skeleton", only for Calvin's mom to point out that they just dug up trash that somebody had littered.

I'll do a proper post soon. I promise.

The Bizarrotron shows a 3.7 weirdness level!*

2010-07-29T00:01:00.001+01:00

This has been another dry month for reading. I think it's because the weather has been uncharacteristically nice, which means more time spent outdoors gardening etc than relaxing with a good book. And the only reason I've read these is because the office where I work has been transformed into a call centre, enabling me to read in what would be exceedingly boring breaks between calls.

22. The Days Are Just Packed, by Bill Watterson

One of my favourite strips in this book inspired this post about my reaction to Car's coma.

* The title comes from the strip on page 138 in which Calvin as Spaceman Spiff discovers a hideous alien known as a "Gurl" (otherwise known as Suzie Derkins). I know I shouldn't reproduce the strips here without permission, but I have linked the book titles to Play.com for ease of purchase to make up for it.

23. The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes, a Calvin and Hobbes Treasury by Bill Watterson

This treasury includes cartoons from The Revenge of the Baby-Sat and Scientific Progress Goes "Boink".

For your procrastinating pleasure, I have discovered a Calvin & Hobbes Wiki. There aren't a huge amount of entries yet, but it'll certainly keep you occupied for a fair while. Enjoy!

Bad weather

2010-07-26T12:01:00.001+01:00

Drat! I've lost my shadow.

Bad, naughty, wicked weather! I knew I shouldn't've got caught outside at midday when the sun's directly overhead and there're no clouds in the sky. My shadow must have taken advantage of it's temporary needlessness and buggered off somewhere.
Who knows what kind of nincompoopery it's getting up to?

* realisation suddenly dawns *

Oh, no! This means I'm becoming more corporeal. I'll have to be careful when caught up with the SuperNaturals or the MetaFour now that I can no longer blend into the shadows or step into mirrors to avoid injury or death.

I wonder when was the last time I had both shadow and reflection? Was it that time on the beach?:

I wonder if I can still walk through time...?

* gingerly steps over the time threshold and disappears *

* C L U M P ! *

2010-07-24T12:51:00.003+01:00

Ow!

* rubs shin and peers around *

OK. So, that worked. I can still walk through time, but I wonder when I am?

* looks up at post header *

July 24th?! Gaaaahhh! The past! Must keep a low profile and not pollute the timeline.

* disappears up into the attic *

CAKE, by MJ

2010-07-17T09:18:00.002+01:00

MJ's comments are back! They really are! Look:

Bravo to Eros and all who ~~sailed in him~~ supported his pleas for the restoration of comments everywhere!

That's all.

Cakes by appointment

2010-07-11T19:44:00.001+01:00

More delights created without that intergalactic terror known as Apocalypse Oven:

From left to right: Sultana & cinnamon buns with orange icing, chocolate cupcakes, cream tea butterfly cakes, vanilla cupcakes and lemon drizzle buns. Not pictured: Marzipan & cerise cakes.

And just to prove that I made them, here's the ~~'before'~~ 'during' pictures:

These were for a friend who hosted a Hen Day picnic. They're all et now.

Lieutenant Trillya? Is that really you?

2010-07-06T19:29:00.000+01:00

Who knew Starfleet officers were so talented?

Of Driveways and Film Stars

2010-07-04T16:01:00.001+01:00

After spending all the previous day turning this

into this,

imagine my horror when I opened the blinds this morning and saw this:

Yes. A bloody unicorn in our garden. The cheek of it!
Now, before you all get on your high horses (no pun intended), it's not the unicorn per se that I object to. No. It's Tom Cruise.

It's bad enough that I had to endure him in War Of The Worlds last night (SP really wanted to watch it), but now I'll have to discourage the micro-star from flattening my boarders and gallumphing all over the freshly raked shingle. You see, every time a unicorn shows up, the tiny clod thinks it's his duty to look after it as he thinks he's still in Legend.

Sometimes chocolate alone just won't do*

2010-06-29T00:01:00.001+01:00

Here we are again at the end of another month. They just fly by, don't they? Which is why, out of four books, only one of these is a 'proper' book.
Let's get the non-novels out of the way first, shall we? And in a controversial move, I shall do the first two at once!

18. The Hummingbird Bakery Cookbook and 19. The Australian Women's Weekly Cupcakes & Fairy cakes

To assist me in my goal of becoming a fully fledged Desperate Housewife, I was presented with these two books on my birthday back in March. It hasn't taken me this long to read them really, I just sort of skimmed through and looked at the pictures at the time. This month, however, as well as ooh-ing and ahh-ing over the delectable pictures of cakes, I took the time to really look at the recipes and read the forewords and everything.
I have come to the conclusion, though, that my friends only bought me these books so that I would make the cakes and they could eat them.

* Title from page 31 of the hummingbird Bakery Cookbook: Hazelnut and chocolate cupcakes

20. SFX Collectors Edition: Voyager

Now, before you all start complaining that this is a magazine and not a book, let me tell you that this is 114 pages of reviews of every episode of Star Trek: Voyager (plus other articles, interviews and assorted gubbins) all in teeny tiny writing. It's probably equivalent to reading War and Peace*.
This special edition is from 2001, the year that Voyager ended, an excellent time to conduct a review, wouldn't you say? As well as containing reviews, it also has trivia, personnel files, teaser descriptions and various 'counts' that keep track of shuttles destroyed, crew deaths and photon torpedoes fired, amongst other things.
The reason I hauled this out of The Host's Star Trek archives (I have owned it since 2001 and it has a place amongst my other Star Trek books & sundries) was for SP. You see, Voyager was being shown on SKY1 (or 2, I'm not entirely sure) up until earlier this month, and SP got into it in a big way, so I gave him this to read so he knew what happened in the earlier episodes that he'd missed. Then, once he was finished with it, I re-read it myself.

* Probably. I've never read War and Peace but I've heard that it's a very long book.

21. Misspent Youth, by Peter F Hamilton

A work colleague loaned me this book after he was telling me about the author's Commonwealth Saga novels and how amazing they were (his words, not mine as I haven't read them). This novel is a prequel to the aforementioned saga.
It was ok. A very easy read but certainly nothing special. If you want to know what it's about, click the title link - I'm too hot to be bothered to write any more.

Ta ra for now!

MJ's Calamitous Comment Compo Caper Concluded

2010-06-27T16:00:00.000+01:00

After a veritable 'avalanche' of one entry to this competition (1.2 if one includes Miss Scarlet and xl's entries), I declare the winner to be ErosWings!
Eros very nearly scored full points with his answers, so congratumalations to him. The only one that was misplaced was Comment 9 which MJ left on the post Missing: MJ, and not post 10.

Here are the comments as I received them into my gmail inbox:

1.

2.

3.

4 & 5.

6, 7 & 8.

9.

Congratulations again, Eros! There's no prize as it's been too bloody hot here to even think of what would be a suitable prize, never mind to actually go out and get one, but thank you for taking part anyway.

And apologies to Roses and BEAST for the scrambled brain cells and seizure, respectively.